I'm so sorry OP. Witnessing things is abuse and I'm glad that's acknowledged, but it is coming around too far the other way now where the spouse being abused has to live in fear of getting help. I truly understand.

Can you focus on the big ticket items?
Do you work?
What is the HHI split?
Where could you live with the kids?
Does spouse abuse you physically (you mentioned that he's worse outside the presence of kids)?
Could you support the mortgage if you stay in the home, depending on the support you receive?

You really need a lawyer IMO because finances and custody are the big issues and you need some idea of your rights and expectations there. Not say you have to answer the questions here.

OP

I am in panic mode. In my state everyone is mandated reporter when it comes to child abuse. And child abuse can be deemed witnessing something distressing.

My spouse suffers from mental illness.

I had signed up for NAMI events and decided to pull out since they told me everyone could be mandated reporter

If I go to a DV shelter it’s the same thing.

And I really need to figure out a plan first.

It’s a catch 22.

Op you are in panic mode and fixating on the wrong things. Contact a domestic violence shelter and they will walk you through practical steps to take. The fear is controlling you, understandably, but you need objective practical advice from experienced people. Good luck.

OP - you need to make a plan to get out and stop worrying about how to fill out a form for a neuropsych exam. Hoping for the best for you.

OP: The neuropsych form has a question if the child has experienced / is experiencing anxiety inducing events and they specifically list conflict in the home. I guess I will mark that and not give specific details. My spouse will probably not want to let me mark it but I’ll try. Or if I do, they’ll tell me it’s all my fault and I am hurting our child.

Anonymous wrote:OP here

I’ll take the feedback here and avoid discussing with my therapist to err on the safe side.

That said, this raises the following for me: this fall, one of our kids (the younger) will have to undertake a neuropsychological evaluation to test for ADHD and ASD. It’s customary to look at anxiety as as an alternative diagnosis. I imagine the environment she lives in could contribute to anxiety and would be an important consideration to assess whether anxiety / neurodivergence.

Should I just tone it down and mention that my spouse is often irritable in front of the kids / there’s frequent tension but avoid giving details?

My child has had a neuropyschological eval, and I don't recall questions specifically about this. The questions about home were pretty general, more like, who lives in the home and what ages are siblings. They weren't probing questions about the parents' relationship, that I recall.

OP here

I’ll take the feedback here and avoid discussing with my therapist to err on the safe side.

That said, this raises the following for me: this fall, one of our kids (the younger) will have to undertake a neuropsychological evaluation to test for ADHD and ASD. It’s customary to look at anxiety as as an alternative diagnosis. I imagine the environment she lives in could contribute to anxiety and would be an important consideration to assess whether anxiety / neurodivergence.

Should I just tone it down and mention that my spouse is often irritable in front of the kids / there’s frequent tension but avoid giving details?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP you need a lawyer. It's not a good idea to use a mandated reporter to "document" later for court if you fear the risk they are overzealous will call CPS. Documentation can be keeping your own diary or calling a friend as a witness. Or maybe the lawyer will tell you not to bother because that behavior won't effect custody. You need a good plan.

OP. Would the lawyer be mandated to report?

The lawyer is there to advise you. If you are concerned about that you can always couch things in hypotheticals: "and, if my husband were doing things like that in front of my kids, how would that affect custody? How might one document that?"

But it's far far less likely a lawyer who is assisting you to leave the marriage would report something like this where the kids are not in imminent physical danger than a therapist or teacher. If you told your lawyer the husband was beating up the kids then they would likely report, mandated or not.

OP good idea in terms of how I should phrase things to the lawyer on hypotheticals.

OP, do you work? You need to be less focused on talking at people about what is happening and more focused on actions you can and need to take to get out.

Do NOT count on family court to limit access to the kids by your husband.

Reach out to a local DV group for recommendations re: a lawyer. Do you have separate money to pay a retainer? If not, can you borrow it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP you need a lawyer. It's not a good idea to use a mandated reporter to "document" later for court if you fear the risk they are overzealous will call CPS. Documentation can be keeping your own diary or calling a friend as a witness. Or maybe the lawyer will tell you not to bother because that behavior won't effect custody. You need a good plan.

OP. Would the lawyer be mandated to report?

The lawyer is there to advise you. If you are concerned about that you can always couch things in hypotheticals: "and, if my husband were doing things like that in front of my kids, how would that affect custody? How might one document that?"

But it's far far less likely a lawyer who is assisting you to leave the marriage would report something like this where the kids are not in imminent physical danger than a therapist or teacher. If you told your lawyer the husband was beating up the kids then they would likely report, mandated or not.

It may be legally safest to raise no allegations of abuse in family court and to trade off assets for custody, if you can afford to do so and if that would be motivating to abusive spouse.

If you can get court permission to move, back to an area where you have family support, distance can really be a friend.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/338437886_US_child_custody_outcomes_in_cases_involving_parental_alienation_and_abuse_allegations_what_do_the_data_show

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My concern is if therapist reports as a mandate d reporter.

Then CPS calls and agree with all of you, does not do anything in this case as they have much more severe cases

But they still call.

And that would significantly escalate my situation with my spouse without actually helping address it in any way.

I am still stuck for now just with an even angrier human being who has the perfect pretext to explode because maintaining an immaculate image is what they do in public.

Then, you need to leave. Simple.

https://scholarship.law.gwu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2712&context=faculty_publications

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP you need a lawyer. It's not a good idea to use a mandated reporter to "document" later for court if you fear the risk they are overzealous will call CPS. Documentation can be keeping your own diary or calling a friend as a witness. Or maybe the lawyer will tell you not to bother because that behavior won't effect custody. You need a good plan.

OP. Would the lawyer be mandated to report?

It depends on the jurisdiction.