Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

THIS. In my family not going would be unacceptable. We are close and strongly value education. Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal.

What you describe is unacceptable.

The matter is between the graduate and the invitees. Based on the family dynamic you describe - a dynamic you endorse - if the graduate decides the Aunt's presence is optional, the Aunt would still be required to attend because You are making it a requirement. It's not about the graduate; it's about messages You have decided need to be sent to people who aren't You.

You are also deciding how other people receive messages: "Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal."

Is that the case? Is it possible everyone having to attend graduations - declining is "unacceptable" - is received as the family being overbearing, or perhaps insufferable?

Either way, you don't get to decide how other people receive messages and then use this as a predicate to decide how relatives relate to each other. The matter is between the graduate and the invitees.

Send a huge check, trust me, he’ll appreciate that more than your visit.

I hate graduations. My nephew is graduating this weekend, one hour flight away. I'm not super close with nephew (he's just not a chatty person and it's hard to get to know him). But I'm going. I'm close with my sister (his mom), and my parents will be there. It's a good opportunity for a family celebration. We try to celebrate with each other.

If that's not why your family does, you make your own decisions.

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

THIS. In my family not going would be unacceptable. We are close and strongly value education. Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal.

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

Oooh are you a family member thinking your child's graduation is important to Ev.er.y.One?
No, sounds like you know best and the aunt won't be missed, and I'm sure you won't care about a card or anything else.
And no, we don't want you at our kid's graduation either. Won't even ask, in fact.

You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

Different families do different things. Neither way is wrong. A Lot depends on your relationship with the nephew in question. I have one nephew who would be hurt if I didn't go. Another who would be fine with a card and congratulations.

OP I never had involved aunts/uncles for things like that either. They'd say congrats at some point when I saw them. Send your regards and catch him another time before he leaves for college. I'm being the same with my kids- graduations are not entertaining and they are too long for older people who need bathrooms/snacks/entertainment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Graduation ceremonies (and parties) are for the graduates and immediate family. That's it. I can think of a few narcissists who think the world revolves around them and would make it bigger than it is without any self awareness. It's ok if they invite; it's ok to say no.

So this!!

Do we have the same relatives?! For me it's the in-laws. My own siblings would never expect this.

Anonymous wrote:Graduation ceremonies (and parties) are for the graduates and immediate family. That's it. I can think of a few narcissists who think the world revolves around them and would make it bigger than it is without any self awareness. It's ok if they invite; it's ok to say no.

So this!!

No, You are NOT an A.

After going to my own HS graduation, I skipped my subsequent graduations. The diploma is the point and you don’t need to go to the boring ceremony to get that. Although I might go if there’s an interesting speaker. Also schools should loan the gown and cap—mine ended up in the landfill—what a waste of money and bad for the environment.

Graduation party is different and more meaningful and I go to those.

I think OP’s counterplan is reasonable.

Just send a check and a nice card! And maybe take your nephew out to dinner or something next time you see him. I would not expect my siblings to drive 3 hrs each way and get a hotel and a pet sitter to attend my kids’ graduations.

No, I would not expect this and would probably prefer to give the ticket away to someone who needed it for more local family, as capacity is limited at our graduation, and some kids have multiple siblings who need tickets to attend.

Completely depends on your relationship with the kids. I'm super close with my nieces and nephews so would happily spend a weekend away at their graduations. If you're not close, no big deal not to go.