OP did the therapist give you any action items as to how to parent your child and explain how the diagnoses impact their social dynamics, including with you? What have you tried?

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28530116/

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33844103/

Goal oriented therapy is the most effective. Therapy that leads to rumination is not helpful especially when anxiety and other neurodiversity is in the mix. You may be wasting time and money if you are not getting appropriate treatment for you and for your child.

Are you married or do you have an adult partner in the home? What are the dynamics like between spouse and child, if yes? What are the sib dynamics like?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A therapist pointed it out and it makes sense - dc (who also has some neurodiversity) has a lot of the hallmarks of this. I feel SO BAD. I feel like this is something babies in a chernobyl adjacent orphanage have! I have gone out in the evening maybe 20 times in the 10 years of dc's life and pretty much constantly parenting or working but also had no idea what to do with a baby when i had him. Anyone else's kid have issues like this??? such guilt

This was your problem. Your kids never learned you leave and come home it’s NBD.

Oh, sure! Her kid would not have ADD and ASD if only ONLY OP had gone out MORE. You deserve a Nobel for that insight, PP.

OP, few no what to do with a baby with their first.

Your DC has a lot of issues around interaction that are due to the diagnoses you name. Grieve that and move on. To the extent you &/or DH have the same, you can try to learn new parenting techniques unique to those issues, would help the whole household. But won't make DC not have ADD and ASD (and seems the 2 of you also share ANXIETY, often comorbid).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe going out 2 times per year is the problem, not proof you were doing the right things.

NP. Come babysit my ADHD/ASD kids while DH and I got out. Then we'll be able to go out for date night a couple times a month, just like you do. Thanks!

I don't know about your kids, but OP's kid seems like they would have benefitted from some exposure to life without OP. You start with an hour during the day and build, if it's a struggle. Otherwise, you find yourself with a 10 year old like OP. She didn't say ASD, which is obviously very different. I have a lot of experience with anxiety and exposure is a huge part of the remedy.

op - dc is fine for us to go out.
I, bc i work ft at very demanding job then throw self into parenting, do not have a lot of energy for other stuff. and want to be super involved. maybe i shouldn't!

She DID if you read her posts.

OP, this is why posting in general parenting is not necessarily going to get you helpful advice.

A sn parenting coach will be able to work with DC's issues AND yours to move forward in a positive direction that is specific to your dynamic.

More rumination about your degree of involvement is just more of the same and gets you nowhere.

There are parenting strategies that work best when kids have ADD, anxiety and ASD and parents often have some of the same qualities. So experienced, direct help is most useful and coaching is a dynamic process. Take the Dan Shapiro class, if you have not. You may also benefit from the online NAMI family to family course. It is very likely that you or DH share traits with your child. Ignoring that is just silly. And your child's current therapist is a waste of time and money. You say you don't want to make EVERYTHING about social dynamics about the diagnosis, but making NOTHING about it and making it about YOU is really black and white thinking, can you see that? You may have grief and emotions to process around those issues in DC and perhaps yourself, your spouse, or other family members. Thinking you can "parent' your child out of neurological conditions is an odd and useless take. THAT piece IS about you, OP.

https://www.parentchildjourney.com/about/

Anonymous wrote:A therapist pointed it out and it makes sense - dc (who also has some neurodiversity) has a lot of the hallmarks of this. I feel SO BAD. I feel like this is something babies in a chernobyl adjacent orphanage have! I have gone out in the evening maybe 20 times in the 10 years of dc's life and pretty much constantly parenting or working but also had no idea what to do with a baby when i had him. Anyone else's kid have issues like this??? such guilt

This was your problem. Your kids never learned you leave and come home it’s NBD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe going out 2 times per year is the problem, not proof you were doing the right things.

NP. Come babysit my ADHD/ASD kids while DH and I got out. Then we'll be able to go out for date night a couple times a month, just like you do. Thanks!

I don't know about your kids, but OP's kid seems like they would have benefitted from some exposure to life without OP. You start with an hour during the day and build, if it's a struggle. Otherwise, you find yourself with a 10 year old like OP. She didn't say ASD, which is obviously very different. I have a lot of experience with anxiety and exposure is a huge part of the remedy.

op - dc is fine for us to go out.
I, bc i work ft at very demanding job then throw self into parenting, do not have a lot of energy for other stuff. and want to be super involved. maybe i shouldn't!

Anonymous wrote:10:18 again.

Also

A. Leave your guilt and shame behind FOREVER. They have no place in your life when you are parenting children. You parent the kid you have, you try to be the best parent you can be, while also giving yourself grace.

B. All these profiles exist on a spectrum. Where does one draw the line from "tendencies" to "full-blown disorder" is a perennial question. Don't immediately catastrophize. Take it all in stride and do what you can.

op - both this and the response above were tremendously helpful - ty

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old and what are the behaviors that she is exhibiting?

10. emotional reactivity, irritability and low distress tolerance. Poor emotional regulation. this has been the case for a long time and the reason i would not move it to the sn board is that i think when you have a kid with sn (in our case adhd with some 'pieces' of asd like inflexibility) people tend to attribute 'everything' to that, but there are absolutely some aspects that I think are really maybe personality/ nurture based. so am curious about others experiences.

The things you state are HALLMARKS of those diagnoses.

That you or the therapist thinks they are about YOU is concerning. You need to fire that therapist and get someone more experienced, perhaps a sn parent coach. You need to focus on the here and now and not go into some telenovella about how little you went out. Pull yourself together, OP. Learn to nurture the kids you have with the challenges that they face.

Maybe this is a troll. Or OP has untreated anxiety and neurodiversity and is using self focus to retreat from rejection sensitivity or something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old and what are the behaviors that she is exhibiting?

10. emotional reactivity, irritability and low distress tolerance. Poor emotional regulation. this has been the case for a long time and the reason i would not move it to the sn board is that i think when you have a kid with sn (in our case adhd with some 'pieces' of asd like inflexibility) people tend to attribute 'everything' to that, but there are absolutely some aspects that I think are really maybe personality/ nurture based. so am curious about others experiences.

NP. These are basically the definition of ADHD and/or ASD (that is why they can occur together or be difficult to separate). This is not about parenting, it's who they are. You may need to be more explicit in your parenting so they will be able to recognize your love for them - but other than by your genes, you didn't cause this.

Remember that children with ADHD or ASD are approximately 3 years delayed in maturity. IOW, time will help with a lot of this but it will take longer than for NT kids. He will mature and grow and get better at all of this but will probably always be reactive and emotional - and that's okay! Not everyone needs to be phlegmatic. There's room for everyone in this world.

This is why OP should ask her thread to be moved to SN forum. That she is resistant to doing so and wants to self blame and ruminate is odd.

OP, you need a team who are familiar with the diagnoses and perhaps to acknowledge they may apply to you in some respects, too. Be proactive to educate yourself, treat yourself and parent the kids you have in the ways they need. No one can change the past and your response of anxiety and passivity and refusal to acknowledge the realities of neurodiversity are patterns to consider changing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:CIO/sleep training contribute to this.

Lol nope try again. Show me a peer reviewed study that shows this.

Please take it to another thread and don't derail this one, both pps.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you understand what anxious attachment is. Start by googling it and reading about it, and then of course talk to your therapist.

I think you’re thinking of the babies in Romanian orphanages in the 1980s who had attachment DISORDERS. Everyone has an attachment STYLE. An anxious attachment style isn’t great but it’s just one of the variations. The therapist should have explained this better.

+1. I am a therapist and you need to understand the difference between anxious attachment and Reactive Attachment Disorder, neither of which I suspect your child has. Frankly I'm very surprised your therapist would suggest this. Do you trust them generally? To me this is classic ADHD anxiety.

Quite possibly in BOTH mom and kiddo.

OP, this ruminating on the past is counterproductive and self indulgent. Focus on the now and parenting the neurodiverse kid you have, perhaps with your own neurodiversity in play. None of us can change the past. Your unmanaged and anxiety needs to be a priority. Do the Dan Shapiro course and do some reading at the Additude site. Rejection sensitivity is common with ADD and ASD and may be in play on BOTH sides.

Anonymous wrote:CIO/sleep training contribute to this.

Lol nope try again. Show me a peer reviewed study that shows this.