The huge families I know tend to be homeschoolers (or semi-homeschoolers), quite involved with the academics, because those parents like kids and like spending time with them, and are naturally very high energy, which is why they wound up with a huge family in the first place.

Special needs is more of a crapshoot. You're more likely to have kids with special needs as the numbers go up, and will have less resources, but on the other hand you get a much better feel for what's "normal" as well as a fuller toolset of techniques.

I will add that that none of these in my sample are instagram parents - I have a deep suspicion of anyone trying to build an audience for themselves, or their kids.

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Anonymous wrote:Im fascinated by big families! I only have one child, and I dont have instagram, but if I did im sure I would watch this content! Its just such an odd concept to me to have more than say 5 kids. How do they feed them? Where do they live? What type of activities do they do? Are the kids happy? I have so many questions. I dont know any of these families in real life, so I can understand that their might be a market to view from afar (and judge).

Here: I have six so I'll answer some of your questions. Two are step kids that live with us full time, and two are adults and out of the house so we have four at home. Our table seats ten and the kids take turns having to set the table and play sous chef, and we live in an apartment. Three share a room, and one has a (small-ish) room to themselves. They do the activities they like - one does a lot of plays, one does dance and school newspaper, etc. They are overall happy, and like all kids get upset sometimes. I am not on Instagram and can't imagine putting my kids on there publicly for strangers to see/judge, or to make money off my kids.

So, the kids are crammed in one room and have to do everything themselves like cook. They only get basic school activities. I think you just proved the concerns.

The three girls who share have a big bedroom (it's the same size as the primary) and definitely don't "do everything themselves." Yes, we expect our kids to help get dinner on the table. Yes, we are aiming to send our kids out into the world knowing how to cook some basic things, but also how to seek out recipes and follow them. They also know how to fold a fitted sheet. There's nothing wrong with the kids' activities - they all pursue their interests. Stop trying to create problems where there are none.

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s something healthy about kids not getting all of their parents’ attention all the time. And what’s so wrong with older kids being expected to help cook? These are basic life skills and kids should take pride in contributing to the household.

My sister and I joke that we practically raised our baby brother when we were teenagers. Endless diaper changes, made baby food, took him on walks, did school runs. It didn’t replace an adult parent and the real responsibilities of being a parent of course. But it was one of the greatest honors of my life.

There are lots of ways to achieve giving kids some independence without having 7 or 8 kids. You can give an only child independence by just given them space, having your own hobbies/life, and allowing them to fail and learn on their own. It's a parenting approach, not something dictated by family size. And all older siblings can be given some responsibilities related to younger kids, even if there are only 2 or 3 kids. But it can be done in a way that makes sense for the kids involved. It's not a requirement for the family to function. You and your sister might have felt honored to get to take care of your little brother, but that's likely because your parents had other options (caring for him themselves, hiring a sitter, etc.) but you were responsible enough and had the interest.

Well in a family with 7 or 8 kids, it doesn't work like that. These parents are having the 6th, 7th, 8th kids with the assumption that their oldest kids will (1) be able to do a considerable amount of childcare and housework, and (2) will not have any emergent needs that could disrupt that system.

There's just a huge difference between giving kids independence and increasing levels of responsibility as a parenting choice, and structuring your family in a way that depends on kids being independent and taking on a lot of adult responsibilities just to make the family function.

I watch these and then feel horribly guilty about it.

I watch because I love the romantic idea of large families. I was the youngest of three and my family was kind of distainful of babysitting (not thinking it’s not hard/not a real job but more like “why on earth would you do that if you had literally any other options”) so I never really got to interact with younger kids growing up and I really wanted to. I idealized the idea of being parentified. While I intellectually realize that this is a curated story, I’m really drawn to the idea of a crowd of people of all ages living peacefully and happily together. Maybe I’m envisioning it as a the built in community I’m sad I don’t have in the real world? Also I adore being pregnant and parenting and homemaking so I like shows focused on all of that and large families feel like there’s always babies around which I love. So that’s the draw for me as to why I want to watch “look at my big family!” social media content.

I feel guilty about it and try to avoid watching it because I worry about the children being exploited on social media and how my watching it contributes to that problem. I also worry about the realities of big families; a lot of them are religious in ways that can be harmful to many people (including but not limited to the children) and even when they aren’t I’ve read enough books by children who had 10+ siblings to realize that the experience is at least sometimes way more traumatic that these types of storylines or the parents’ perceptions implies.

Anyway, I don’t know why social media is sending this stuff your way, OP, but I do understand why there’s an audience for it — some people romanticize big families and things people romanticize are great proto-influencer lifestyles.

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Anonymous wrote:I don't know why my Instagram feed keeps sharing these insane posts of the mom with each of her 10 children walking by her one-by-one, as if there's some huge accomplishment? Usually they end with the announcement that surprise, there's another one on the way! Or weirdly announcing how old the mom was when she gave birth to each child?

Obviously there's some sort of audience for this, but I do not understand it. At all.

The irony of your last statement

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s something healthy about kids not getting all of their parents’ attention all the time. And what’s so wrong with older kids being expected to help cook? These are basic life skills and kids should take pride in contributing to the household.

My sister and I joke that we practically raised our baby brother when we were teenagers. Endless diaper changes, made baby food, took him on walks, did school runs. It didn’t replace an adult parent and the real responsibilities of being a parent of course. But it was one of the greatest honors of my life.

You are sick

I think there’s something healthy about kids not getting all of their parents’ attention all the time. And what’s so wrong with older kids being expected to help cook? These are basic life skills and kids should take pride in contributing to the household.

My sister and I joke that we practically raised our baby brother when we were teenagers. Endless diaper changes, made baby food, took him on walks, did school runs. It didn’t replace an adult parent and the real responsibilities of being a parent of course. But it was one of the greatest honors of my life.

Nothing is new. Remember all the specials in the 90s and 00s about big families, multiples etc.? People like to gawk and are fascinated by it.

All I can think about when I see these is the Duggars and Ruby Franke.

Do people here really think families in poor counties are all terrible parents? Most people don't even know what piano lessons are.

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Anonymous wrote:It certainly is an accomplishment to raise such a large family. If you don't like the content don't click it. It wouldn't be of interest to me, but good for them and apparently some people want to watch it.

No, it's not.

It is definitely an accomplishment to raise a large family, provided they are all well-cared for. I sure as hell couldn't do it.

It's the well cared for bit that is a huge caveat. All the families I know with 5 or more kids have multiple kids who I do not consider well cared for. Older children who were turned into mini adults at age 8 to help care for younger kids, and whose education, socialization, and sometimes even health were neglected. Special needs going undiagnosed. Many health issues that smaller families would deal with going ignored -- even if you have a decent amount of money or low COL, braces for 5 or more kids might be out of your budget, especially if you've got kids starting college (assuming they even get to go) or kids in diapers when this is happening.

These families get lulled into thinking they've figured out the financial piece because they have a SAHM so they're like "we're home free! no childcare costs!" and they often don't consider all the many, many costs that most kids incur as they get older.

I also think often kids are emotionally neglected as well. One thing that happens in huge families is that there will be a few kids who kind of rise to the top because they do well without a ton of support. Then one or two problem kids whose issues require a lot of focus (behavioral issues at school, or significant special needs). Then all the kids who don't fall into those two categories get ignored.

I know of four families like this within my extended family, and of them, three are absolutely damaging their kids. The last one seems to be doing well, but if you ask those kids in 20 years, I bet some would say the big family was awesome and at least one would say it ruined their life.

As a parent, you are only as successful as our kid who struggles the most. Huge families almost always have at least one kid who struggles a lot.

I mean… it’s been my experience observing small families of 1-2 kids that there are often kids who fail to thrive as adults or as children, special needs are neglected, etc. it’s not at all true that all big families have these problems, and if they have a kid or two who has problems…. how is it attributable to their family size? I find this especially strange post in light of all the research coming out on the harmful effects of helicopter parenting.

Have you seen the research about only child? It is not in line with your experience.

What research are you referring to on only children?

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Anonymous wrote:Im fascinated by big families! I only have one child, and I dont have instagram, but if I did im sure I would watch this content! Its just such an odd concept to me to have more than say 5 kids. How do they feed them? Where do they live? What type of activities do they do? Are the kids happy? I have so many questions. I dont know any of these families in real life, so I can understand that their might be a market to view from afar (and judge).

Here: I have six so I'll answer some of your questions. Two are step kids that live with us full time, and two are adults and out of the house so we have four at home. Our table seats ten and the kids take turns having to set the table and play sous chef, and we live in an apartment. Three share a room, and one has a (small-ish) room to themselves. They do the activities they like - one does a lot of plays, one does dance and school newspaper, etc. They are overall happy, and like all kids get upset sometimes. I am not on Instagram and can't imagine putting my kids on there publicly for strangers to see/judge, or to make money off my kids.

So, the kids are crammed in one room and have to do everything themselves like cook. They only get basic school activities. I think you just proved the concerns.

I shared a room with my sister growing up. Question - would this have been acceptable if there were only 2 of us? Or is it neglect because we came from a family of 4 kids?

Btw two went on to ivies and the other two of us went to the same top tier non ivy. And my brother who attended the top tier non ivy with me is an extremely successful executive in finance. My dad went to Yale law, my mom also has a grad degree, and they raised four successful kids. DCUM acts like it’s only possible to be a good parent to two kids, and that simply isn’t true.

My husband is one of two - they were far more coddled and had more difficulty adjusting into adulthood.

I agree that these large Instagram families of 10 kids seem nuts. But two, while average, is not the only good number. It depends on the parents and their resources + abilities.

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Anonymous wrote:It certainly is an accomplishment to raise such a large family. If you don't like the content don't click it. It wouldn't be of interest to me, but good for them and apparently some people want to watch it.

No, it's not.

It is definitely an accomplishment to raise a large family, provided they are all well-cared for. I sure as hell couldn't do it.

It's the well cared for bit that is a huge caveat. All the families I know with 5 or more kids have multiple kids who I do not consider well cared for. Older children who were turned into mini adults at age 8 to help care for younger kids, and whose education, socialization, and sometimes even health were neglected. Special needs going undiagnosed. Many health issues that smaller families would deal with going ignored -- even if you have a decent amount of money or low COL, braces for 5 or more kids might be out of your budget, especially if you've got kids starting college (assuming they even get to go) or kids in diapers when this is happening.

These families get lulled into thinking they've figured out the financial piece because they have a SAHM so they're like "we're home free! no childcare costs!" and they often don't consider all the many, many costs that most kids incur as they get older.

I also think often kids are emotionally neglected as well. One thing that happens in huge families is that there will be a few kids who kind of rise to the top because they do well without a ton of support. Then one or two problem kids whose issues require a lot of focus (behavioral issues at school, or significant special needs). Then all the kids who don't fall into those two categories get ignored.

I know of four families like this within my extended family, and of them, three are absolutely damaging their kids. The last one seems to be doing well, but if you ask those kids in 20 years, I bet some would say the big family was awesome and at least one would say it ruined their life.

As a parent, you are only as successful as our kid who struggles the most. Huge families almost always have at least one kid who struggles a lot.

I mean… it’s been my experience observing small families of 1-2 kids that there are often kids who fail to thrive as adults or as children, special needs are neglected, etc. it’s not at all true that all big families have these problems, and if they have a kid or two who has problems…. how is it attributable to their family size? I find this especially strange post in light of all the research coming out on the harmful effects of helicopter parenting.

Have you seen the research about only child? It is not in line with your experience.

Anonymous wrote:It certainly is an accomplishment to raise such a large family. If you don't like the content don't click it. It wouldn't be of interest to me, but good for them and apparently some people want to watch it.

Duggars raised a huge family, not sure I would call that an accomplishment. One son in jail for sexually abusing the younger siblings, several siblings no longer talking to their parents...anyway, I have no problem with big families (I'm Catholic and I get some of this large family content on my Instagram as well) but really push back at the idea this is an "accomplishment" especially when you are selling them out as clickbait or reality tv.

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Anonymous wrote:It certainly is an accomplishment to raise such a large family. If you don't like the content don't click it. It wouldn't be of interest to me, but good for them and apparently some people want to watch it.

No, it's not.

It is definitely an accomplishment to raise a large family, provided they are all well-cared for. I sure as hell couldn't do it.

It's the well cared for bit that is a huge caveat. All the families I know with 5 or more kids have multiple kids who I do not consider well cared for. Older children who were turned into mini adults at age 8 to help care for younger kids, and whose education, socialization, and sometimes even health were neglected. Special needs going undiagnosed. Many health issues that smaller families would deal with going ignored -- even if you have a decent amount of money or low COL, braces for 5 or more kids might be out of your budget, especially if you've got kids starting college (assuming they even get to go) or kids in diapers when this is happening.

These families get lulled into thinking they've figured out the financial piece because they have a SAHM so they're like "we're home free! no childcare costs!" and they often don't consider all the many, many costs that most kids incur as they get older.

I also think often kids are emotionally neglected as well. One thing that happens in huge families is that there will be a few kids who kind of rise to the top because they do well without a ton of support. Then one or two problem kids whose issues require a lot of focus (behavioral issues at school, or significant special needs). Then all the kids who don't fall into those two categories get ignored.

I know of four families like this within my extended family, and of them, three are absolutely damaging their kids. The last one seems to be doing well, but if you ask those kids in 20 years, I bet some would say the big family was awesome and at least one would say it ruined their life.

As a parent, you are only as successful as our kid who struggles the most. Huge families almost always have at least one kid who struggles a lot.

I mean… it’s been my experience observing small families of 1-2 kids that there are often kids who fail to thrive as adults or as children, special needs are neglected, etc. it’s not at all true that all big families have these problems, and if they have a kid or two who has problems…. how is it attributable to their family size? I find this especially strange post in light of all the research coming out on the harmful effects of helicopter parenting.

PP here. Sure, there are kids in smaller families who get neglected, too, or simply have bad parents. No one said otherwise. I don't think the key to raising kids well is to only have two or something. A lot goes into it.

I know families with 4 or 5 kids who are amazing, wonderful parents who really do meet all those kids needs. And I do think that in those specific families, there's also a benefit to the size of the family -- if you can successfully raise 5 kids to be functional adults, then you've also gifted all five or your kids with 4 siblings who are functional adults. That's wonderful. I'm not against large families on principle.

But assuming two loving parents with decent parenting skills (so not anxious helicopter parents and not abusive or intentionally neglectful), bast 4 or 5 kids, you still run a high likelihood of just kind of accidentally neglecting a kid. Or unintentionally leaning harder on your older kids to help you parent. You can rationalize it and say it's good for them, but it's not good for all kids.

When you talk to people who grew up in really big families (I am one), you get a broad range of reviews. Some kids really thrive in this environment. Often these kids who probably would have done well with a smaller family too, but a big family gave them opportunities for independence and leadership they might not have otherwise gotten. That's nice for them. But you will absolutely also meet a lot of people who basically feel robbed of a childhood. Who grow up to be people pleasers and then have to unlearn all these bad habits from childhood when they trained themselves to simply have no needs because they knew they wouldn't get met. Often kids from huge families have strange misconceptions about themselves -- that they aren't smart (because another sibling was the smart one) or they are a troublemaker (because they were a high needs kid in a family that needed a low needs kid). Large families also often create their own mythos, this idea about how the world works based on the bubble they've created, and often kids from large families struggle socially because that bubble doesn't have much to do with the rest of the world. There's just a ton of pitfalls, way more than there are with smaller families. Even amazing parents can screw up when given enough opportunities to do so, and the more kids you have, the more chances you have to really step in it.