Anonymous wrote:The only thing I ever see with big families is problems. 2 of 3 or 2 of 4 kids are independent. The rest are total failures. Eating disorder, mentally ill, Peter Pan syndrome, and drugs or alcohol being the major points of failure.

Well these are the kinds of families you’re going to see when you live in a trailer park.

I think it depends on what you mean by a big family — I have three sisters, we have quite a lot of aunts and cousins and such and keep in loose touch with maybe out to second cousins. Not super big (I have two kids, one sister has one kid, other two are child free) and not terribly wealthy (transoceanic trips are possible but rarely more than once a decade). But we’re a close family emotionally — if I expect to be passing within a several hour drive of a relation, I would consider it natural to email them to let them know and ask if they wanted to meet up. I have shown up on my aunt’s doorstep unannounced and been welcomed when I got marooned in her city due to a cancelled flight. I have hosted my sister’s godmother and her wife in my tiny apartment when they couldn’t afford a hotel for the women’s march. For us, I think what makes it work is a combination of everyone wanting it to (we invite and accept invitations to visit one another happily) and a total lack of offense about sporadic visits. I haven’t seen my sisters in 2-5 years, for example, because none of us have had the time, money, and health to travel to each other. But I don’t blame them and they don’t blame me and we’ll manage it again someday. In the meantime we chat over text/phone/facetime according to preference. Possibly it’s also generational habit of a kind; all my grandparents were wanderers so it’s not surprising that my siblings and cousins have over time settled in 5 countries and even more time zones. I think it might be harder on distant ones if there’s critical mass in a single city, for example.

The only thing I ever see with big families is problems. 2 of 3 or 2 of 4 kids are independent. The rest are total failures. Eating disorder, mentally ill, Peter Pan syndrome, and drugs or alcohol being the major points of failure.

NP. I have a small family (most of my extended family is overseas and I am not close to them) and married someone in the same boat. Whenever I meet people from big families, I feel jealous because I imagine that it must be so nice to have so many relatives who you can be automatic friends with, travel with, hang out during holidays, etc. I don't know why I assume it's all great. But makes me feel bad.

There were 4 cousins born the year I was. My Grandma always hoped we would be best friends, be in each other's weddings etc. It didn't happen. We didn't live close to each other, and only saw each other once/year.

Anonymous wrote:It's a hit or miss really. I too wanted to have a large family. My mother raised me by herself, I have no siblings, she has no siblings. And in comes my DH with 5 siblings, many cousins, lots of distant relatives. On the surface it all looks well. We all take great family pictures. But you scratch the surface - so much jealousy, trauma, competitiveness, lying. Our DCs told us was the only time they enjoyed holiday weekends was during COVID. They did not have to deal with the relatives. It pains me, I really tried. So be careful what you wish for.

Describes my extended family as well.

From what I have seen a large family which gets along spends a lot of time together early in life, has a large amount of money, educated parents, with both parents prioritizing family. They mostly live near each other.

Even with all this, I have seen large families fragment after the death of the parents.

You could substitute money for overall COL, if you live in a state with robust state scholarships/low cost of living/family support the only thing stopping you is choice/ability.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up as one of 6 kids and with parents who were also from large families. Sure, things like travel are easier with money, but we didn't have it growing up and neither did any of our aunts/uncles. We still spent a lot of time together. I think geographic proximity is the key. Also, my parents really viewed their siblings as friends. We got together with family way more than any family friends. We went to each other's houses for dinner, parents played cards together. We had picnics at parks. With so many cousins there was always a graduation party, wedding, baby shower to go to so we saw a lot of family. Now I live 1,000 miles away and rarely see my cousins, but they still see each other quite a bit because most of them all leave within an hour of each other. It does help to have someone take the lead on planning.

Same. My mom is best friends with her sisters in law - she calls them her sisters, and vice versa. They had a family of multiple siblings and multiple girls, but they welcomed mom in like their own. Cousins on both sides also had big families, so weekends were spent together at the beach, their pools, or whatever. People used to look at us like they could not believe how many people were in one group, but now (since covid) it is common to see bigger groups like this in gatherings. Celebrations, weddings, birthdays, milestones were always fun!

DH's family is different - not as warm, and exclusionary. It is all about one sister in particular - always has been, always will be. If we go away with them (meet them there for a few days), it is more about the sister sneaking out of the house, doing what she wants. One example: She would not let our grown son join a golf outing (an adult could have traded places, easily), so he was pretty hurt. Kids aren't stupid, and they remember those things. She just plans what she wants around monopolizing the grandparent's time, it seems. It is really strange, as if she wants her kids to be the only grandkids - just like she wants to be the only sibling, it seems.

It's a hit or miss really. I too wanted to have a large family. My mother raised me by herself, I have no siblings, she has no siblings. And in comes my DH with 5 siblings, many cousins, lots of distant relatives. On the surface it all looks well. We all take great family pictures. But you scratch the surface - so much jealousy, trauma, competitiveness, lying. Our DCs told us was the only time they enjoyed holiday weekends was during COVID. They did not have to deal with the relatives. It pains me, I really tried. So be careful what you wish for.

I grew up in a family of 4 kids and it was too many. My mom’s side was large (she was one of 5) and her mother was the youngest of 13.

I stopped at 2 kids because I knew it was my limit for the type of parent I wanted to be and the relationship I wanted to have with my kids. My mom lived in survival mode and didn’t really know how to have a real relationship with any of us.

My family and extended family have SO much dysfunction - mental health issues, alcoholism, criminals, estrangement (often over money), kids with disabilities, poverty, lack of education, victim mentality.

Somehow all the granddaughters (I was one of four) got educated and got out while none of 6 grandsons even graduated from college.

Large families are overrated!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

+1 of 8. Also don't do this if you are dysfunctional, are an alcoholic or have a shitty marriage. Complex ptsd here and have to pay $$$ for twice a week therapy.

+1 of 9. I’ve had YEARS of therapy and actually the one thing that is so taboo and painful is talking about how very neglected I felt as a child. It’s something hard to understand if you haven’t lived it.

If it makes you feel any better, even absent addiction or a bad marriage, I've yet to meet anyone from a family of 8-9+ where every child thinks that was a great upbringing where they got sufficient attention and wants to replicate it in their own family (there are probably some right wing fundamentalists who replicate that family dynamic, but I am talking about healthy people). It's just too many kids. I think maybe 5 is the absolute max? 8, 9, 10, 14, 16....madness. No way they walk away without damage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

+1 of 8. Also don't do this if you are dysfunctional, are an alcoholic or have a shitty marriage. Complex ptsd here and have to pay $$$ for twice a week therapy.

+1 of 9. I’ve had YEARS of therapy and actually the one thing that is so taboo and painful is talking about how very neglected I felt as a child. It’s something hard to understand if you haven’t lived it.

Anonymous wrote:For a big family you need to be very good at behavior management, otherwise your life will be chaos. You will need lots of money to pay for needs and extras like lessons, camp, sports, etc. Traveling will be difficult for many reasons including expense. Hotel rooms are generally made to accommodate 4 people. Be prepared not to be invited places because of the size of your family. People who throw parties aren’t prepared to invite large families over. Your children will not be able to get the attention they would get in a smaller family as your precious time will be divided among your children. Then there’s college…. Some schools are charging $100,000 a year. State schools are an option and some schools give merit scholarships, but your kids will need excellent grades in high school to qualify for those. These are just some of the things to consider.

you have it all wrong.

in a big family you neglect the younger kids and parentify the older girls. so the kids take care of themselves/each other. you ignore any fighting/bullying. the positive is that behavior problems like whining in stores or tantrums don’t happen because nobody pays attention. and of course you don’t actually go anywhere except church, so manners aren’t on public display anyway. and lol, you never travel so the size of hotel rooms is irrelevant. kids on their own for college.

We lived in Texas for a few years and epoo had big families, every generation.

They all lived near each other and the grandparents and the uncles/aunts. It was a huge support network thing and they did their Sunday church and Bible classes. Many moved back after college or jobs wherever.

So I’d say Money and Living Near Family.

It helps if there are clear rules about $$ and schedules: Grandparents pay for all flights and lodging to a common location, but after that we rotate paying for/preparing meals. Absent clear rules, there can be strife.
In my family, you had to pay your own way to the vacation spot, but then grandparents covered lodging and evening meal together. One year a sibling didn't have $$ to travel--we'd chipped in for him before, but didn't the following year. I felt as if I was subsidizing his gambling problem.
The issue with the big get-togethers is you don't get time to really visit or even have an uninterrupted conversation. I prefer a short visit with one sibling, his/her partner and their kids, rather than a huge chaotic week with a huge number of people who don't really want vacation together but who need to come together for the family holiday photo.
And, whatever the size of your family, a tolerance for chaos/disagreement/schedules/ is a must.