Anonymous
Post 04/25/2024 11:03     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you and your spouse raised your kids into successful adults. What were some of the things you did that most impacted them becoming well adjusted successful adults? Do you have any regrets?


It truly is a combo of nature and nurture. If your child has ADHD, autism, or is prone to anxiety/depression it can be a difficult road. We have one who was incredibly easy to raise, and one with the above issues. But regardless, teaching responsibility, accountability and having unconditional love go a long way. Our children are both doing well right now, however I am holding my breath for my ADHD daughter with anxiety, and definitely need to do lots check ins and provide support with things that my other daughter handles with ease.


This is us exactly. My ADHD/anxiety DD is 20 now and I fear that we will be hand holding her for years to come.
Anonymous
Post 04/25/2024 10:59     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:Well, much of it is luck tbh but I’ll try and add a few things we did:

Routines
Respectful disagreements ( but being upset was not hidden)
Dinner at the table with conversation
Saying please, thank you, good night, love you every day
Keeping a clean and organized home as normal
Expecting all to pick up, clear table, set table, empty and load dishwasher, make bed, do laundry, help with lawn
Time spent with grandparents and extended family
Honor commitments, do your best, be polite to others
Having a dh who models respect, equal partner in home
Supporting their interests, and letting them take risks/ do things on their own. Did not helicopter.

We have 3 boys and all are well-liked, nice young men we get compliments on. All finished college in 4 yrs. Worked in the summers. One is very close to my parents and calls them on his own.

I guess we just had a normal family where we were a unit, did things together but did not make the dc the sole focus. They had space to be themselves but circled back to us.


It is NOT all Luck. Each kid will be different, some might be neuro-divergent. But outside of extreme behavioral issues, natural consequences and following thru are key. And allowing your kid to take on more responsibility and giving them "more rope" to do so, and pulling back the rope if they show they are not capable.
We found the more you trust them and give them responsibility, the more they actually rise to the occasion and learn.
Anonymous
Post 04/24/2024 23:09     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
I think Parents give them self to much credit. My Dad was a raging drunk who left us penniless when he died leaving my Mom with four kids to raise with zero money or life insurance. To top is off my Mom had an 8th grade education and last job she had was a waitress 18 years earlier. Dad dropped dead with an 18, 16, 15 and 11 year old at home. Growing up was always massive fights, Dad beating us with belts and sometimes the cops showing up.

All four of us got masters degrees and I am sitting in a two million dollar paid off home, have a 750K paid off beach condo and 8 million in bank/stocks. My one sibling has like 20 million.

we all graduated zero loans good schools with zero parental help. My Mom even charged me for rent and groceries in college.

Many big movie stars and famous people had horrible childhoods. Many thing if not for the bad childhood they would have never succeeded in life.
Anonymous
Post 04/24/2024 18:29     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts ~ the older they get the greater number of adults they have in their life to answer to: teachers, coaches, neighbors, family members both immediate and extended. Do not try to manage these relationships. Your child is learning relationship skills to eventually manage adult relationships in their community. Surprise bonus: they don't have to learn everything from you. They shouldn't, and they won't.

Natural consequences ~ natural consequences is the best teacher. The best enforcer of punishment. Do not shield them from natural consequences.

Regarding decisions of maturity ~ what they are ready for, and when ... Do not impede. Do not promote.


Super thoughtful. Too late for me my kids are 20 and 22. They seemed to have launched successfully and we have great relationship but check with me again in 5 years. In retrospect, I should have followed the above guidelines more. I was no helicopter mom but I probably did do some shielding I shouldn’t have. Remembering back to middle school and high school I recall so many times having to restrain fixing. It was not easy.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 22:15     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. For those who mentioned traditions. Can you give some examples of the types of traditions you had with the kids?


We have a ski condo and spend Christmas and spring break there every year. As the kids got older I bought each one a condo to do the same for their family.

We ride bikes together, cook together, and love watching shows together - like is it cake - something that let's us chat.

When the kids were younger I encouraged them to support their siblings - show up to big events, buy birthday and Christmas gifts, etc, watch important competitions they were in, tell them they are proud of each other, etc.


Now this is a tradition I hadn't thought of! I should have bought each of my kids a condo so they could ski a couple times a year! Making a note of that.


Same here! Revised shopping list:

* Almond milk
* Pepperidge Farm Mint Milanos
* Ski condo for each child
* Toilet paper
* Parsley

Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 14:45     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. For those who mentioned traditions. Can you give some examples of the types of traditions you had with the kids?


We have a ski condo and spend Christmas and spring break there every year. As the kids got older I bought each one a condo to do the same for their family.

We ride bikes together, cook together, and love watching shows together - like is it cake - something that let's us chat.

When the kids were younger I encouraged them to support their siblings - show up to big events, buy birthday and Christmas gifts, etc, watch important competitions they were in, tell them they are proud of each other, etc.


Now this is a tradition I hadn't thought of! I should have bought each of my kids a condo so they could ski a couple times a year! Making a note of that.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 14:44     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:Praise the effort rather than outcome. Some sort of spiritual foundation helps.


Absolutely not

Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 14:34     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
They always came first.

The only time I put myself first or DH put himself first was when we each had cancer. Otherwise, it was always about what was best for their development and well-being.

We are about T minus 90 days for an empty nest and it’s going to be a weird pivot.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 14:31     Subject: Re:If you and spouse raised kids successfully

For those with adult children today, the world was different when they raised their kids.

Today's kids are (unfortunately) raised in a world of being glued to smart phones or ipads starting in the very early years, and in a world of social media.

It is much more difficult today to be a parent. As parents and a community, we need to work together to shelter today's kids from the harm of being glued to an iphone 24/7 (watching social media). I wish I were exaggerating, but I am not.

https://www.today.com/video/surgeon-general-warns-of-social-media-danger-to-mental-health-175916613579
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2024 14:15     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
I wonder what the kids of these self-identified parents would say? My brothers and I are the successful kids in this scenario, now midlife with families of our own that are also seen as raising great kids. My dad has always claimed a lot of credit for raising three successful kids, but my brothers and I are who we are in part as a reaction of not being him. I’ve remembered that with my own kids. In other words, what am I really screwing up that they will say “I’ll never be like that.”
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2024 19:29     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:If you and your spouse raised your kids into successful adults. What were some of the things you did that most impacted them becoming well adjusted successful adults? Do you have any regrets?


Gosh observing friends and family and how we ended up as adults, I think a lot of this is more out of our control than we think and a lot of it is just the luck of the draw with personality, a huge part of which is genetically wired. Aside from giving as many opportunities as possible (education, opportunity to explore interests), encouragement, and love/support I think you just need to let people be who they will be.

The same parents can create completely different children. Some people who grow up with hardship are more resilient than others, and some people who grow up with privilege still struggle. The modern idea of parenting as a project I think is hubristic.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2024 15:07     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:When they have reached adulthood with children of their own, they want to start their own family traditions.


Not necessarily. We wanted to keep some of the traditions we grew up with. We just wanted to do so IN OUR HOME when kids came. Grandparents mostly wanted to continue with everything in their home -even though they had their chance to do so with their own kids- and couldn't understand why we didn't want to drive 8 hours with kids/presents/board dogs and then divide time among 4 sets of divorced parents.

Anonymous
Post 04/19/2024 14:48     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
When they have reached adulthood with children of their own, they want to start their own family traditions.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2024 12:30     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. For those who mentioned traditions. Can you give some examples of the types of traditions you had with the kids?


We have a ski condo and spend Christmas and spring break there every year. As the kids got older I bought each one a condo to do the same for their family.

We ride bikes together, cook together, and love watching shows together - like is it cake - something that let's us chat.

When the kids were younger I encouraged them to support their siblings - show up to big events, buy birthday and Christmas gifts, etc, watch important competitions they were in, tell them they are proud of each other, etc.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2024 12:22     Subject: If you and spouse raised kids successfully
Anonymous wrote:A couple thoughts ~ the older they get the greater number of adults they have in their life to answer to: teachers, coaches, neighbors, family members both immediate and extended. Do not try to manage these relationships. Your child is learning relationship skills to eventually manage adult relationships in their community. Surprise bonus: they don't have to learn everything from you. They shouldn't, and they won't.

Natural consequences ~ natural consequences is the best teacher. The best enforcer of punishment. Do not shield them from natural consequences.

Regarding decisions of maturity ~ what they are ready for, and when ... Do not impede. Do not promote.


+1

Know when to support and when to let them fail.