Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way.
She says he can’t feel his feet.
Anonymous wrote:If he hasn't been drinking and is doing good WHY would you want to encourage him to drink again?!
Anonymous wrote:Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way.
Taking Action
If you know an older alcoholic, take action to help yourself and the alcoholic. You can seek help from an alcoholism counselor or Al-Anon to cope with your feelings. You can begin allowing the alcoholic to suffer the consequences of his/her drinking. A competent professional can use resulting crises to break through defensive behaviors and help the older person realize his/her problem.
You need to be supportive of the older alcoholic without enabling her/his drinking to continue. Try to convey these beliefs to the older alcoholic:
You believe in the strengths and potential of the older person.
You are hopeful that the person can recover.
You care about the person and want him/her to receive help.
You will be nonjudgmental about the person's alcohol abuse but no longer supportive of its consequences.
You will learn about the disease and encourage the older person to do so.
Finding Help
For the older alcoholic, you can seek help from a community resource person to refer the alcoholic to appropriate care.
Anonymous wrote:If he hasn't been drinking and is doing good WHY would you want to encourage him to drink again?!
Anonymous wrote:It's so interesting that the replies are almost evenly split between "let the old man do what he wants - stop micromanaging his life!" and "absolutely not - he will certainly devolve into needing to drink increasing quantities causing misery and pain for himself and family." Curious that folks see it as so black and white - with little room for nuance.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion.
+1
signed, the daughter of an alcoholic
Why not when I've been asked for my opinion?
As the daughter of an alcoholic in his late 70s, I’m surprised you are still so vested in this. I essentially don’t care if my dad drinks or not. I would love him to not drink and drive but I have zero control. If he drinks himself to death. Fine. If he gets sober, fine. I don’t care.
I think you need to do your own work to unpack why you have any vested interest.
I literally had no idea until he was well into retirement. Was never noticeably drunk when we were kids or young adults. He was an active and present dad. Because my parents were divorced I was only at my dad's 2-3 nights a week but we went on vacations together, etc. Never saw him drunk. My stepmom recently told me when he was working he'd stop in the AM and have an "eye opener" on his way to work and a drink with buddies before he got home. I had no idea. I'm vested in how the next several years play out for my dad and stepmom because I love them and care about them.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion.
+1
signed, the daughter of an alcoholic
Why not when I've been asked for my opinion?
As the daughter of an alcoholic in his late 70s, I’m surprised you are still so vested in this. I essentially don’t care if my dad drinks or not. I would love him to not drink and drive but I have zero control. If he drinks himself to death. Fine. If he gets sober, fine. I don’t care.
I think you need to do your own work to unpack why you have any vested interest.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way.
He's barely walking - can only stand for a couple of minutes. His hobbies are attending theater, watching the History Channel, watching CNN and complaining about Trump. He also goes out to restaurants with my stepmom and their small group of friends. He goes to church with my stepmom but won't join "groups" - was never his thing. He was a lifelong boater on the Great Lakes but had to sell their boat a couple of years ago due to his health issues. It is what it is - he's not going to develop a new hobby at this stage of his life.
Ultimately since my stepmom controls access and will be the one that has to deal with the consequences it's her decision along with my dad.
I don’t mean to be personal, but this sounds like co-dependency and enabling.
If it’s up to your mother, does she want your opinion? Did she ask for it! She may feel very caught between a rock and a hard place. Supporting her in a decision to hold the line could be important if that’s what she decides.
Alcoholics Anonymous is controversial on DCUM, but it is free, available in multiple Zoom meetings globally, and many people find it enlightening and fun. Even the precept that a person needs “a desire to stop drinking” is flexible at the outset. Especially for a non-joiner, the first time can be scary, but it is genuinely anonymous (you can turn off your Zoom camera and even just listen), and he may well hear things he can identify with that will help him understand. There is a difference between being “dry” like he is now, and in recovery. And if AA’s not the thing there are other programs.
This is a petpeeve of mine but I've said "stepmom" in each of my posts and respondents keep saying "mom". My dad will absolutely not go to an AA meeting - doesn't believe he has/had a drinking problem. Yes - my stepmom has enabled this for years and was in deep denial. While he was hospitalized this summer my brother and I learned for the first time how much he was drinking and how much she was buying. She really believed because she left bottles of wine in the trunk of the car in the garage, instead of bringing it into the house, she was somehow helping him moderate the drinking.