Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

I could see how both those things could impact it. It’s not that people don’t make friends after freshman year and groups change but often the seeds are planted freshman year. You meet a friend of a friend and become closer the following year or you live with the friends you made freshman year and become closer as a group. Many people are a little less open to making new friends and want to spend their energy on current friends once they feel like they have a set friend group. It makes it harder if you are trying to find friends after the “everyone is interesting and a potential friend” stage has passed freshmen year.

Anonymous wrote:I made a couple close friends. But I didn't have that great group of friends you're still friends with years later. I was lonely a lot and on the fringes of other groups, plus I had one good friend I roomed with junior and senior year which helped.

For me I think it was that I spent too much time with a boyfriend my first year. But I also just wasn't very adept at making friends? And I did not really mesh with anyone on my freshman hall - there was a big clique I wasted too much time trying to be a part of. I should have realized sooner they didn't want to include me and branched out more.

Holy moly I had to check the date, I thought this was an old post I had written. Down to spending too much time going to visit my HS boyfriend. I ended up making much closer friends during grad school at a smaller school. I felt sort of aimless at my big state school. I wasn’t into Greek life, which made me sort of an outcast in the freshman year dorms. Some of the friends I hung out with in later years ended up being not the highest quality of people. I keep in contact with a few friends casually on FB but that is it.

I went to Mason in the early 90s - so definitely a commuter school back then. I wasn't from DMV and am so thankful I made a lot of friends and had a great college experience. But that has been 30+ years ago. I am very close to 4 folks from college and friends with a half dozen more on FB. It is rare to remain friends for 30 years with a lot of people.

I'd be interested to see info on how many people have close friends from college based on years post graduation. It's very different to ask people at age 30 if they are still in touch with college friends, than to ask people at age 50.

I'm mid-40s and I've also realized at this point that people can come in and out of your life, and you don't necessarily need to "stay in touch" to maintain a connection to people. Example: there was a friend I went to HS and college with, but totally lost touch with. Then years later she and her husband moved to the city where I live, and she got in touch via another friend from HS who was in touch with me. We reconnected and hung out for a time, and then they moved away again and now we aren't really in touch again. But if we were ever in the city where she lives, I'd reach out.

The older you are, the more relationships like this you have. You don't have to emerge from any phase of your life with some kind of intact friend group in order to have meaningful connections to people. You don't even have to stay in touch regularly (or track each other via social media). You can just treat people well when they are in your life, try to connect and make memories and impressions, and then move on to the next phase. Some people come back, some don't.

Most friendships are by convenience and shared circumstance. Once you remove those, friendships typically lessen or die.

Anonymous wrote:I just heard a podcast about a guy like this, and turns out he received an ASD diagnosis in his 40s. He said at first he was surprised then depressed the relieved to understand why socially struggled so much in his life.

well then apparently half or more of college students are on the spectrum...which is BS,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

Same. But instead of a sorority, I joined a club sports team my freshman year. And lucked out because those people were/are awesome (a least a core group of 6-10 of us). All spread over the country now but we get together almost annually and text as a group or one-on-one regularly.

I think there might be something to joining close-knit groups with a shared purpose rather than trying to just make friends? I have only two non-teammate friends from college who I still chat with regularly. I see them maybe once every handful of years.

OP here. I was in a similar situation as you but didn't make any friends. I refused to join a sorority (I'm definitely not the type at all, and I was turned off from sororities based off of the girls I met from freshman year who ended up rushing). I joined a club sport and spent ~6 to 8 hours/week in practices with them, and stuck with it for all four years. But I didn't make any friends through that.

Which is kind of crazy in retrospect. How did I spent almost 10 hours/week in a club sport but not socialize with any of them outside of practices and games?

Yes you should reflect on that. It's not crazy, but its not typical.

OP here. This is (part of the reason) why I thought I had ASD/ADHD for the longest time. But a neuropsych eval told me no...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

Same. But instead of a sorority, I joined a club sports team my freshman year. And lucked out because those people were/are awesome (a least a core group of 6-10 of us). All spread over the country now but we get together almost annually and text as a group or one-on-one regularly.

I think there might be something to joining close-knit groups with a shared purpose rather than trying to just make friends? I have only two non-teammate friends from college who I still chat with regularly. I see them maybe once every handful of years.

OP here. I was in a similar situation as you but didn't make any friends. I refused to join a sorority (I'm definitely not the type at all, and I was turned off from sororities based off of the girls I met from freshman year who ended up rushing). I joined a club sport and spent ~6 to 8 hours/week in practices with them, and stuck with it for all four years. But I didn't make any friends through that.

Which is kind of crazy in retrospect. How did I spent almost 10 hours/week in a club sport but not socialize with any of them outside of practices and games?

Yes you should reflect on that. It's not crazy, but its not typical.

I just heard a podcast about a guy like this, and turns out he received an ASD diagnosis in his 40s. He said at first he was surprised then depressed the relieved to understand why socially struggled so much in his life.

I had friends in college and I went to some weddings but have lost touch with them. I have friends from HS and from a job in my 20s and my current job but it’s hard keeping up friendships if you don’t see people.

Anonymous wrote:To posters writing that social media or online communications would have helped to keep connected to college friends, that's not necessarily true. These days see young adults follow or have "friends" from college on social online accounts but that's about it. So while you can say they have "friends" most are mere acquaintances that they don't actually hang out with or can call if needed to listen-help-give advice.

I think you may be discounting the difficulty of staying in touch before cell phones or Gmail. We technically had email, but used our school and email addresses and those were turned off shortly graduation. So at graduation everyone scattered. Most stayed with their parents for a few weeks/months before moving to be near their jobs or grad school. Then people likely got a landline phone with a new number. With everyone moving at the same time and long distance being expensive, it was really easy to lose touch unless you were in the same city. There was no directory of people's parents' phone numbers, so there was no reasonable way to even look up that contact info. People who stayed in touch tended to be local to each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

Same. But instead of a sorority, I joined a club sports team my freshman year. And lucked out because those people were/are awesome (a least a core group of 6-10 of us). All spread over the country now but we get together almost annually and text as a group or one-on-one regularly.

I think there might be something to joining close-knit groups with a shared purpose rather than trying to just make friends? I have only two non-teammate friends from college who I still chat with regularly. I see them maybe once every handful of years.

OP here. I was in a similar situation as you but didn't make any friends. I refused to join a sorority (I'm definitely not the type at all, and I was turned off from sororities based off of the girls I met from freshman year who ended up rushing). I joined a club sport and spent ~6 to 8 hours/week in practices with them, and stuck with it for all four years. But I didn't make any friends through that.

Which is kind of crazy in retrospect. How did I spent almost 10 hours/week in a club sport but not socialize with any of them outside of practices and games?

I have noticed that if you dont have a group like the show FRIENDS you are classified as on the spectrum nowadays...which quite frankly isnt true. i bet if we polled people more than half leave HS, college, work, place of worship, mom cliques without that "group" we all covet so much,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

Same. But instead of a sorority, I joined a club sports team my freshman year. And lucked out because those people were/are awesome (a least a core group of 6-10 of us). All spread over the country now but we get together almost annually and text as a group or one-on-one regularly.

I think there might be something to joining close-knit groups with a shared purpose rather than trying to just make friends? I have only two non-teammate friends from college who I still chat with regularly. I see them maybe once every handful of years.

I agree there might be something to this, especially if you are in a major where people don't get to know each other. That was the case for me in my large state flagship -- if you were in the school of Arts & Sciences, which most people were, there was a good chance you wouldn't have more than 1 or 2 seminars with anyone else, even if same year and major. You might wind up in the same large section in Freshman year but then it's a bit of a crapshoot whether you connect because those classes are large and there are lots of non-majors in them.

I think at my school, you either had to click with people in your freshman dorm, join a sorority/fraternity, or join some kind of sport or club where people were very social. Though I also chose not to live in the honors dorm even though I was in the honors program, and later I wondered if that was a mistake. Ironically, the reason I decided not to do it is that the honors dorm was on the edge of campus and was smaller, and I worried that living there would make it harder to make friends because it was separate from the rest of the freshman housing. Dumb!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went to one of the schools you listed in your post and also graduated in 90s I was OOS and knew no one. I ended up joining a sorority (the shame). I lived 1 year in dorm, 1 year in sorority house and 2 years in a group house with sorority sisters.

The people I still keep in touch with from college are from my sorority and some women who were in my freshmen dorm. None of them live in DMV, most live in big cities of the same state in which our college is located. They are the main reason I am still on Facebook. We don't do a girls trip or weekend (although we have tried, it just that kids' schedules kept getting in the way so we all kind of gave up).

Same. But instead of a sorority, I joined a club sports team my freshman year. And lucked out because those people were/are awesome (a least a core group of 6-10 of us). All spread over the country now but we get together almost annually and text as a group or one-on-one regularly.

I think there might be something to joining close-knit groups with a shared purpose rather than trying to just make friends? I have only two non-teammate friends from college who I still chat with regularly. I see them maybe once every handful of years.