Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:26     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
No, please don’t. Someone did that to my mother and it caused her a world of hurt. All these years later and they’re still married. Accomplished nothing but to devastate the world of an innocent person.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:24     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
I did this and regret it.

The DH believed the woman’s lie that I’m crazy. The DH even reached out to my DH to share how mentally ill I am and that I’m reaching out to his family with lies. It made a bad situation even worse.

Focus on your own life. Your revenge is living a nice life.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:24     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
I would tell the spouse and I would file for divorce.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:21     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Yes.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:19     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm


All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.


What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:19     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just confirmed the affair 100%, sadly both EA and physical now.
Not sure what will happen with me and DH. He’s ending it, as he says he wants “us” over her. But we obv have a LOT to figure out.

But being in a world of anger and pain, I feel that AP should not get off scott free. I’m assuming she loves my DH, so his ending it will hurt. Any reason why I should not blow up her marriage as she/DH have done mine?


If you DH is able to so quickly drop this relationship, why assume she's in love with him? I wouldn't assume that. You make some kind of declaration to her spouse and he knows/doesn't care - you are the one looking foolish.


Why would OP care at all about "looking foolish" to some stranger who is her DH's AP's husband?

OP likely would never even know if this man found her "foolish" because he already knew or didn't care. She should let him know. He is unlikely to involve OP any further and will either shrug his wife's affair off or deal with his wife's affair however he wants. But there is zero reason for "I might look foolish to this guy!" to stop OP from telling him.

If you mean that the AP or OP's DH might think she looks foolish-- oh, FFS, she surely doesn't give a f*** what either of those cheaters thinks of her.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:15     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm


All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:07     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
If I was being cheated on, I'd want to know. Don't do it in a nasty or spiteful way, just reach out and say I'd want to know and not sure if you do, but they are having an affair and leave it at that in less they ask more questions.

Your husband is a lier and cheater. Be careful when "trusting" him.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:07     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Anonymous wrote:I would. And then I would hire a divorce attorney. My ex's affair partner called and cussed out my ex. Both are scum.


Yes. Your cheater ex and the AP are scum.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 16:01     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
I would. And then I would hire a divorce attorney. My ex's affair partner called and cussed out my ex. Both are scum.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 15:59     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Anonymous wrote:Just confirmed the affair 100%, sadly both EA and physical now.
Not sure what will happen with me and DH. He’s ending it, as he says he wants “us” over her. But we obv have a LOT to figure out.

But being in a world of anger and pain, I feel that AP should not get off scott free. I’m assuming she loves my DH, so his ending it will hurt. Any reason why I should not blow up her marriage as she/DH have done mine?


If you DH is able to so quickly drop this relationship, why assume she's in love with him? I wouldn't assume that. You make some kind of declaration to her spouse and he knows/doesn't care - you are the one looking foolish.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 15:57     Subject: Re:Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
I would but not to be vengeful. I just think he has the right to know. I would want to be told if it were me. You can be very matter-of-fact, tell him what you know and then move on.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 15:55     Subject: Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 15:53     Subject: Re:Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
It’s highly satisfying. I recommend it.
Anonymous
Post 04/08/2024 15:52     Subject: Re:Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?
I would not do it. Not saying you shouldn’t but I would choose not too.

I would promptly divorce my Dh though.