Anonymous wrote:Hah, good question! Having seen part of a conversation which consisted of her texting him to wish him “good luck with the tough meeting my love but you’re such a wonderful manager…”. Maybe she has more of a capacity to see him as he wants to be seen, with fresh eyes and that “new love” sort of thing. I can’t be new, I guess. (And maybe someone can explain to me how a reportedly happily married woman with kids at home has TIME for all this!)

Well, she's obviously not happily married.

I'm not having an affair (who wants to spend the time or emotional bandwidth) but the less time I spend with my husband one on one, the better. If I told him I was taking a class/reading a book, whatever, he wouldn't blink. And I think a lot of people would think we are happily married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me when bringing up the cat.

But The cat comment made me lol. I def get it. Although not pertinent to the bigger issue, sometimes we do forget about the logistics of the small stuff that will have to be dealt with.

Good luck, OP.

Pets aren't really small stuff. I know DCUM skews toward people who hate animals - but for people who love their pets, and consider them family, losing a pet to death or divorce is devastating. Just consider that many people don't leave domestic violence situations because they fear what will happen to their pets if they aren't there to protect them. I know when I broke up with a live in boyfriend of five years, losing the cat we'd had together was the hardest part. Pets see us through our happy times, and our sad times - and someone in OP's position is probably going through a pretty hard time. Having a pet to share her space with I'm sure is a huge source of comfort.

Just to say - sorry you are going through this OP. Do you need to lose the cat, if you ditch the husband?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

If he loved you he wouldn’t be hurting you. Full stop.

Anonymous wrote:Does she have something that you don’t have?

Oh honey, you’ve got it all wrong. Affairs are all about what the cheater doesn’t have…not what their significant other doesn’t have.

Might as well look the other way. That’s how one goes about it.

Hah, good question! Having seen part of a conversation which consisted of her texting him to wish him “good luck with the tough meeting my love but you’re such a wonderful manager…”. Maybe she has more of a capacity to see him as he wants to be seen, with fresh eyes and that “new love” sort of thing. I can’t be new, I guess. (And maybe someone can explain to me how a reportedly happily married woman with kids at home has TIME for all this!)

Does she have something that you don’t have?

OP here thanking you all for the wisdom (and even the snark . See, I do have a sense if humor! And the cat is a metaphor yes, for all the lovely pieces of the life we’ve built. I agree with the no-fast-moves suggestions, and maybe even more with those that think I’m naive on the financials (TBH have always been so busy earning it that I don’t think enough about managing and protecting it). Despite it all, DH IS a good person - I think just bedazzled and flattered by the attentions of the AP. Also coping with ED is clearly hard (hah)…. Doesn’t remotely excuse the behavior but might explain a bit.

One more thing don't you confront him til you know all the passwords, all financials, all credit card bills, all life insurance, all retirement accounts mortgage cars etc copies copies copies.

And talk to a lawyer.
Have a plan.

I'm sorry your kids are grown your DH is having an affair and you want a "confrontation" not sure you want a divorce???

What is wrong with you? Zero self respect??
You don't have a life with him you have a lie.

Get your finances in order, because he already has and you leave first. Otherwise he is leaving you high and dry mark my words.

I would recommend reading Healing from Infidelity before confronting. It is written for both the betrayed spouse and the person having the affair. I’m not suggesting you stay by any means, just that if you are going to stay - that’s one view about what you may need to work through from each of your perspectives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me when bringing up the cat.

Seriously! OP clearly isn’t ready to make a move yet. Is still in shock and awe mode.

Chill - OP has a sense of humor... geez

There isn’t anything humorous in OP’s post. Reread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want out of a confrontation?

Don’t do it until you know this and have consulted an attorney.

Even if you don’t want a divorce, he might.

Good luck.

I think this is part of my problem - i don’t know what i want. Maybe I do want a divorce.
What I want to know is how much she means to him, and whether he still loves me. But maybe confrontation wouldn’t get me these answers!
Re attorney - I outearn him and have some separate assets but I guess as our finances are so intertwined I should talk with an attorney to see how a split would work.

This is so naive. Be smart. He is not a good person.

You've been married 30 years?? Until you've been in her shoes, you can't judge someone's character like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost me when bringing up the cat.

Seriously! OP clearly isn’t ready to make a move yet. Is still in shock and awe mode.

Chill - OP has a sense of humor... geez

Anonymous wrote:You lost me when bringing up the cat.

But The cat comment made me lol. I def get it. Although not pertinent to the bigger issue, sometimes we do forget about the logistics of the small stuff that will have to be dealt with.

Good luck, OP.