Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd have a frank conversation with your father about setting up 529s for the kids. If he can seed them well, you might not need to contribute anything and their college will be paid for. For me, that's such a huge burden to be released.

Next, to end the discussions you have to drop the rope. Don't suggest fixes, don't compare their lives to yours, don't offer helpful tips or even any real commiseration. You just go "ah" or "huh" or "interesting" the whole time they talk about it. Then when they wait for a response, don't give one. Just let it be silent and then say "ok, well I have to go!" and hang up.

We've had 529's for the kids since they were born, have asked for contributions instead of whatever else for years, and they've never done it. Dropping the rope is a great idea, thanks. I'm not trying to antagonize them, nor am I trying to get them to change (been there, tried that on so many things, no luck), I just need to extricate myself from conversations that make me feel shitty and resentful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

They are stringing you along. They are not generous now and will become even more frugal and irrational about money as they age.

I think you are lying to yourself when you say you are making zero assumptions about an inheritance. You believe them and that's a major pillar for your relationship. I think you'll feel extremely angry at the end when this plays out as most of us predict it will.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

You need to understand how this will likely turn out. Your dad will die first. Your step mom will remarry. And she'll remarry to someone who is a grifter with grifter children. You will not inherit anything. So stop biting your tongue thinking you're setting yourself up for a nice inheritance in two decades. It is unlikely to happen. So do what a PP suggests and be brave now and ask directly about 529s for your kids. At least, if you get the money tied up in those, that will be a sure thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

I'm making *zero* financial assumptions in my life about an inheritance. I have been told by them, in very vague terms, that we will get quite a lot; I see this as a potential future bonus and not at all something to bet on. We do not need more money, though of course it would be nice - as I said, we are doing fine, and have built up our savings/investments thanks to decades of thoughtful spending habits. I don't want to burn this bridge not because I need or am banking on their money - I want my kids to have somewhat involved grandparents. Again, my kids like them and they like my kids; we live close enough now and my kids are old enough now that grandparenting is less effort and they and the kids enjoy spending time together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

This. I bet she's younger right? Does she have her own kids? You aren't gonna see a dime if your Dad goes first.

+1. In old age, people become paranoid about having enough money for themselves and their favored children.

No kids of her own - we have a good relationship and I am the favored child, by far.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

Anonymous wrote:

I would give them a very intense speech on how tone-deaf and self-centered they've been for the past decades, and how you have no respect for them and need to distance yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you'll even end up with an inheritance? I find it weird they'd leave you a ton of money but not help when they know you're struggling.

+1 Why would they leave you and your children anything if they have given you nothing so far? Zebras don't change their stripes.

Anonymous wrote:Your step mom will likely outlive your dad and you will get nothing anyway. If you don't like them, stop seeing them. Otherwise acknowledge that you're selling your soul in the hopes of a pay off. It has nothing to do with "Boomers" a lot of them don't have a pot to pee in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you spend time with these people? Are you hoping for an inheritance?

OP here: Partly, yes, and you can judge all you want, but we will likely end up with a life-changing amount of money from them in roughly two decades, one that would allow us to be generous with family/friends/community in ways they are not and we can't afford to be. Out of the three siblings, I'm the only one who has put meaningful effort into building a great relationship with my stepmother.

The non-monetary part is that spouse and I barely have family to speak of - spouse has some who went headfirst down the right wing conspiracy rabbit hole and some who are kind of loony and not involved; my siblings are deeply self-absorbed and our relationships are very one-sided; my mother passed away. My parents suck in many ways, but they like our kids, babysit for a couple hours once in a blue moon, and I'm hoping that as our kids get older my parents can be somewhat supportive bonus adults in their lives, particularly my stepmother, who can exhibit surprising moments of thoughtfulness and caring.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment. They don't see you and never will. If your stepmother has children expect the money to go there. Of not, expect it to go to charity.

Both your and your husband's families sound dysfunctional and you both are carrying that dysfunctional torch for your kids. You have the power to change this.

Never expect money from anyone. If you need more money, make more money. My family is wealthy and my dad keeps telling me everything is mine. I count on them living forever in a fantastic assisted living facility that drains all their money. It's their money, not mine until it's in my bank account.

Sage advice.