We have a set amount of money for higher education for DC. A 529 we have diligently contributed to, plus a grandparent contribution that has been promised.

So for us it's just a math conversation. We have X for college, here is what some of these colleges you are looking at cost. The cost of attendance calculators online are helpful, and then having conversations about how transportation costs are different depending on how far away. Our kid is bright, none of this is confusing, even if sometimes disappointing.

Two other factors we've introduced:

- DC is interested in a profession that will require graduate school. We encourage thinking about grad school costs and funding as well. Fortunately the grad program would almost certainly be self-funded, but we've talked about things like housing, or being able to pay for conferences and other training. Thinking about those long-term goals and associated costs helps put the cost of college in perspective. It also helps to recognize that prestige in undergrad might be less important as long as you can still gain admission to a grad program. For career, your grad program is going to be much more important.

- Reminding DC to think about day to day budgeting. Going to the school that is a financial stretch for the family will mean belt tightening for everyone, including DC. That means money for food, travel, clothes, etc. Whereas going to a school we can more easily afford gives us more leeway, and it will make it easier for us to support with extra money for socializing or non-academic experiences.

Our HS student recently floated the idea of going to college out of state, to which I replied you may go to any college of your choosing -- as long as it in public, and in state. Happy hunting!

Why? Because we're not paying 2-3 times the cost for OOS as for in-state.

OP, you're the parent. You set the parameters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are upper middle class and were always transparent about finances with our kids. Can we afford 100k in tuition a year? I’m giving an extreme example. Yes we could but that is just an illogical amount of money to spend on an undergraduate degree. Finances would be tight and we’d have to make sacrifices. I’m lucky none of my kids expected us to pay that much! All chose cheaper options!

Private LACS and universities are moving into 100K total costs of attendance. Georgetown is 93K right now, Dartmouth is similar. Some are 95K.

This is NOT an extreme example! This is why many middle class families, shut out of privates, apply en masse to their State Us and drive down the acceptance rate. UVA and UMD have become a lot more selective recently. I know a kid last year (my son's cohort) who was rejected from UMD with a 4.2wGPA, multiple APs, decent extra-curriculars, etc.

High stats these days are not merely for the nerds that want Ivies. It's a FINANCIAL consideration, so that kids can get into their state flagship and not cost their parents an arm and a leg.

Totally agree!

Anonymous wrote:We are upper middle class and were always transparent about finances with our kids. Can we afford 100k in tuition a year? I’m giving an extreme example. Yes we could but that is just an illogical amount of money to spend on an undergraduate degree. Finances would be tight and we’d have to make sacrifices. I’m lucky none of my kids expected us to pay that much! All chose cheaper options!

Private LACS and universities are moving into 100K total costs of attendance. Georgetown is 93K right now, Dartmouth is similar. Some are 95K.

This is NOT an extreme example! This is why many middle class families, shut out of privates, apply en masse to their State Us and drive down the acceptance rate. UVA and UMD have become a lot more selective recently. I know a kid last year (my son's cohort) who was rejected from UMD with a 4.2wGPA, multiple APs, decent extra-curriculars, etc.

High stats these days are not merely for the nerds that want Ivies. It's a FINANCIAL consideration, so that kids can get into their state flagship and not cost their parents an arm and a leg.

Hello?!?! What about YOU, the responsible parent, telling your kid and her clueless father about costs?

Dear goodness.

Anonymous wrote:1000% agree about the anxiety issues.

Is your child not self aware about the anxiety issue? Try to bring some awareness about life in college during the times they're struggling with it. It will be eye opening.

I'd be firm and tell them until they have better coping skills/anxiety better managed that it's a bad idea.

Not OP but a PP with a DC with anxiety issues. DC is very well aware of their anxiety issues and is in therapy, though I don't see it helping much.

We have talked about this. I have mentioned how isolating it can be for some kids at college. DC is a social kid, but that doesn't mean that they will be able to find a good group of friends. They've had social issues in the past with friends dumping them. Couple that with wanting to go far from home, and possibly not being able to come home during some of the breaks, this is a disaster in the making that I can already foresee, but DC thinks they will be fine.

Like I said, they are so delusional. Maybe it's immaturity; they are 15.5. We have some time to see this plays out, so I'm hoping that DC will gain some better perspective by end of junior year.

1000% agree about the anxiety issues.

Is your child not self aware about the anxiety issue? Try to bring some awareness about life in college during the times they're struggling with it. It will be eye opening.

I'd be firm and tell them until they have better coping skills/anxiety better managed that it's a bad idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do/did yours? How did you upper middle class parents have this conversation with your kids and each other? DD wants to go out of state, kaching$ another $20 grand plus travel expenses each year for her and us parents to visit her.

My husband is delusional by telling me DD can go where she wants to go or can get in. He leads her on. He’s trying to be encouraging for her to do well enough to go.

DD is only a sophomore, in 2 years college will probably increase another 25+%. DD is a home girl, close to us, has anxiety and some depression issues as it is. I don’t want to pay for emergency flights for her to come home too. Our state U is huge where I wish she would go but she’d be better at a small school. Private schools in state are just as expensive as out of state these days.

If financed carefully, we could wing it with loans/cost for our two kids but i don’t want to be pinching it in my senior years/ we’re older parents. We are considered “affluent” status - on the ‘outside,’ as i don’t see financial aid coming in.😕 panicking already.

It can work out with financial aid, loans, and grants. It worked out for many people I know. Money and loans are there. You need to do the work. I know a family that lives the high life multiple homes etc... and made their kids turn down top top colleges for state schools. It is selfish. They could have toned down their lavish lifestyle for their kids education. There is always a way to make it work out.

What? Sounds like your friends are smart. You will never be able to convince me that full pay at top colleges is worth the money. Ever. No matter how rich you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them.

maybe that IS thus their best , with the anxiety

We are upper middle class and were always transparent about finances with our kids. Can we afford 100k in tuition a year? I’m giving an extreme example. Yes we could but that is just an illogical amount of money to spend on an undergraduate degree. Finances would be tight and we’d have to make sacrifices. I’m lucky none of my kids expected us to pay that much! All chose cheaper options!

Could it be coming from you spine/back vertebrae?

I have said this before on other threads. A year of more in advance. We printed off a list and posted it on the refrigerator: Here's a list of schools. Here's how much they cost.

Here's what your parents can afford.

It's not rocket science. Kids happened to get merit aid which adjusted the cost down. But we BEGAN by assuming we'd have to be full pay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We created a spreadsheet with how much we have saved and the cost of tuition/room/board at each school - and the gap between the two. We can float about an additional 5-7k/year (we have twins) but anything above that has to come from merit/loans. We were very clear, we didn't want them to graduate from undergrad with $$$$$ loans.

In the end, they selected an instate school that wasn't their #1, but I think they will be happy/fine. I think they would have loved their #1 (didn't go for a visit after they didn't give them any merit.)

We did this too - told them how much we could afford between 529 and cash flow, and that we would not allow them to go into debt for undergrad. And, left it up to them. One is AR an OOS flagship with merit, and one is at a SLAC with merit

+1 yep. We told DC#1 to create a spreadsheet with the cost and app deadlines and acceptance notifications. DC#1 is level headed about finances.

We've told DC#2 to do the same with the spreadsheets. However, DC #2 is like OP's DC, including the anxiety and depression.

DC seems to think they will be fine far away. They said they wanted to go as far from me as possible because I nag them too much. I nag them about preparing for college (now a sophomore), studying for their APs, and keeping their room tidy. I don't expect top tier, or straight As, but I expect them to try their best. Still, that's too much because of their anxiety. DC has panic attacks off and on, and they come seeking me out in the middle of the night. When I ask DC about their panic attacks and living far from home, they seem to think they'll be fine.

I've told DC many times how much OOS and privates costs.

They are delusional. They seem to think they will be getting merit aid with their not so top scores and grades. They took a practice PSAT and got like 1200 or something. They took two AP tests last year and got a 2 and 3. I've offered to pay for tutoring, but they are adamant that they can do it on their own.

I'm at a loss on how to bring DC down from their delusions. We've had a few arguments about studying for their AP tests coming up. My spouse thinks we should just let them fail, but I think college is too important to let them fail.

And yes, DC is in therapy. I don't think it's helping.

AP courses are meaningless for this cohort. She doesn't need them.

I don't think that's true. SAT may be meaningless, but not APs. Plus, they want to knock out credits and do a double major.

They have terrible study habits, in part due to their anxiety, but they seem to think they can do a double major, all while living far away, which means they may not be able to come home for breaks as often. We've told them that several times.

Maybe it's immaturity, but I'm really at a loss on how to deal with this DC.

DC knows how much college costs, and they know we have enough for in state, but they seem to think they can get merit aid with their not so top grades and terrible study habits.

Your DC is a sophomore in high school and already knows they want to double major while in college? I find this hard to believe. Why are you bringing up college choices and discussing living far away from home when kid is only age 15? No wonder they are having panic attacks that wake them up in the middle of the night. You need to really relax and ease up on your kid.

The panic attacks started way before 15, and way before any type of college discussions. It started in ES.

Yes, we are discussing college now because they need to understand that in order to get into x type of school you need y type of grades. They started taking AP classes/exams starting freshman year.

Have you been through college admissions? I have with DC#1 in college now. College admissions these days is crazy. Like I said, I'm not pushing for top tier. DC#1 is at our state flagship, and I'm happy with that. I'd love for DC#2 to go the state flagship, but they want further away, which is more costly and more difficult for them and us in many ways.

Yes, they already know they want to double major. Not sure why you think it's hard to believe that. They know what they want to do. Sure, they can change their mind by senior year, and I'd be fine with that, too. But, the reality is that in order to get into an oos college, they'll need merit aid, which they won't get with their grades.

They are the one who brought up living far away from home, not me. I told them even if they get into a college close to home, they don't have to come home or see me often. But, it's a lot easier being closer to home than being further away. They are still pushing for oos.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do/did yours? How did you upper middle class parents have this conversation with your kids and each other? DD wants to go out of state, kaching$ another $20 grand plus travel expenses each year for her and us parents to visit her.

My husband is delusional by telling me DD can go where she wants to go or can get in. He leads her on. He’s trying to be encouraging for her to do well enough to go.

DD is only a sophomore, in 2 years college will probably increase another 25+%. DD is a home girl, close to us, has anxiety and some depression issues as it is. I don’t want to pay for emergency flights for her to come home too. Our state U is huge where I wish she would go but she’d be better at a small school. Private schools in state are just as expensive as out of state these days.

If financed carefully, we could wing it with loans/cost for our two kids but i don’t want to be pinching it in my senior years/ we’re older parents. We are considered “affluent” status - on the ‘outside,’ as i don’t see financial aid coming in.😕 panicking already.

It can work out with financial aid, loans, and grants. It worked out for many people I know. Money and loans are there. You need to do the work. I know a family that lives the high life multiple homes etc... and made their kids turn down top top colleges for state schools. It is selfish. They could have toned down their lavish lifestyle for their kids education. There is always a way to make it work out.

Absolutely not.

Going OOS by using school loans is 1000% wrong financially.
If a family has a lower HHI and can not afford even instate tuition at a 4 year school community college then instate four year. Nothing wrong with that. Better than loans

Same with someone that does an instate 4 year without loans.

Loans are not the answer. Unless one can not afford college at all then loans but instate community college to a four year.

The idea of college is to get out get a job. and start life not being in debt.

If they want debt maybe grad school that depends on the major.

No one is being held back by going instate no one.

Anonymous wrote:Do/did yours? How did you upper middle class parents have this conversation with your kids and each other? DD wants to go out of state, kaching$ another $20 grand plus travel expenses each year for her and us parents to visit her.

My husband is delusional by telling me DD can go where she wants to go or can get in. He leads her on. He’s trying to be encouraging for her to do well enough to go.

DD is only a sophomore, in 2 years college will probably increase another 25+%. DD is a home girl, close to us, has anxiety and some depression issues as it is. I don’t want to pay for emergency flights for her to come home too. Our state U is huge where I wish she would go but she’d be better at a small school. Private schools in state are just as expensive as out of state these days.

If financed carefully, we could wing it with loans/cost for our two kids but i don’t want to be pinching it in my senior years/ we’re older parents. We are considered “affluent” status - on the ‘outside,’ as i don’t see financial aid coming in.😕 panicking already.

What do you mean how do you do this?

When students start applying to college a conversation needs to be had about finances. If you do not do this you are irresponsible and a sucky parent.

They find the schools that your family can afford. How is this not discussed beforehand? Just like how employment after graduation is not discussed by many DCUM parents.

I have an extremely high HHI we can afford for all of our kids to go to Timbuckto for college and grad school and medical school and law school, we had this conversation. Of course, we did.