Anonymous wrote:Separate bedrooms so you can sleep.

OP says they do this, upthread.

Separate bedrooms so you can sleep.

Anonymous wrote:What is with all of you thinking you have some role here? Show love in other ways. Sounds like you are ruining the present in order to (try to) secure a particular health outcome for the future.

They don't love their spouses.

I can relate to OP. Debilitating health problems can happen regardless of any efforts we make to prevent them, but it is frustrating and upsetting when your loved one makes little or no effort and does the things known to cause health problems.

Anonymous wrote:Why make it a man/woman issue, it's universal and can go either way geez...IMO whether the wife or the hubby what IS "abusive" to me is ignoring your health to the point you end up with debilitating issues that could have been prevented and now your spouse has to take care of you 24/7 long before the golden years when things really do start slowing down for the both of you.

That is not a traditional definition of abuse.

If you want out, do it. We can't control other people. And you may find your own health or mobility tanking, maybe even for reasons beyond your control. But you will alone, because you could not process your anxiety around not being able to control other people.

In my DH’s case, seeing the dr was a needed wake up call. I pointed out how sky high his cholesterol level is, and this shocked him into cleaning up his diet dramatically.

Why make it a man/woman issue, it's universal and can go either way geez...IMO whether the wife or the hubby what IS "abusive" to me is ignoring your health to the point you end up with debilitating issues that could have been prevented and now your spouse has to take care of you 24/7 long before the golden years when things really do start slowing down for the both of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous
Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

Well op didn’t say that . She is worried and frustrated. I’d address sleep issue first since it can impact everything. If he has apnea it’s a serious health issue that weight loss can address…perhaps doc will be able to get spouse to focus on that and offer strategies (or meds).

OP didn’t say that but it’s what a lot of responses are suggesting she consider.

Anonymous
Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

Well op didn’t say that . She is worried and frustrated. I’d address sleep issue first since it can impact everything. If he has apnea it’s a serious health issue that weight loss can address…perhaps doc will be able to get spouse to focus on that and offer strategies (or meds).

Just imagine the reaction here if some DH said "my wife is fat and out of shape, I'm going to divorce her".

He "can't keep up with you," huh, OP?

Contempt signifies rejection.

Rejection may be of what the other person is saying. It may be also of the other person as a whole.

A baby who tastes rotten food immediately wrinkles his nose, curls his lips in an expression of disgust, and spits it out. When someone speaks to you with a tone of contempt, you are likely to feel spit out from that person’s world. “Get out of my life” is the subconscious message embedded in a contemptuous tone of voice or attitude.

From Gottman link.

Gray divorce and likely always alone or learn to love the husband you have, which will it be, OP?

Your husband sounds thoughtful of you. You share a child and a history. Maybe that is worth valuing?

Anonymous wrote:Do you like him? It doesn’t sound like you like him.

Hard to get someone to take input from a place of contempt.

Truth is: he can’t keep up with me and won’t try.

OP are you worried or do you want out?

You say you have fairly recently taken up fitness yourself. Prior to that, how did DH treat you?

Are you sure that your anxiety is not focused on DH's activity rather than midlife angst, approaching empty nest, etc? Bc it seems like you may be on a path to being alone all the time. You are working to create what you claim you don't want by avoiding emotional intimacy with your DH.

Per Gottman, contempt is one of the 4 horsemen of divorce. Figure out what you want and have your actions match.

Do you like him? It doesn’t sound like you like him.

Hard to get someone to take input from a place of contempt.

If your DH refuses to do the work to change himself so that he can be healthy and active (or at least not a total couch potato) with you, then you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to stay married to him.

This seems very extreme. There is not abuse, adultery or addiction.

OP, try Gottman based couples counseling and individual counseling to manage your anxiety level, CBT or DBT, not just talk therapy.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/gottman-method/

https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-guide/cbt-for-anxiety