Anonymous
03/31/2024 14:54
Subject: Re:Best friend hates my boyfriend
She might see something in him you don’t. I couldn’t stand my best friend’s boyfriend, although I could never put my finger on why. But I tried to be polite and happy for her.
They’re divorced now, but they were married long enough for him to basically ruin her life.
They’re divorced now, but they were married long enough for him to basically ruin her life.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 13:58
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My best friend doesn’t like my boyfriend and it’s really getting to me. Her little comments and digs are driving me crazy. She’s a very close friend, and I want to keep the friendship, but I feel like she is not being a good friend. She had called him "weird" multiple times.
My boyfriend can come off as rude unintentionally.
He’s an introvert, soft-spoken, and quiet in big groups unless you speak to him first. He has a very reserved demeanor that I attribute to his military and law enforcement career. I didn’t like him at first until I got to know him.
We are in love and I plan to marry him. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon - hopefully never - and I don’t know how to get my friend to see this and back off.
My apologies, I didn't have an opportunity to read the other comments before posting.
I only had time to read your OP.
As the parent of a neurodivergent, I've done more than enough research on the subject matter.
IMO, it seems like your boyfriend may be autistic (or at the very least, he may sit somewhere on the spectrum)?
He has many of the benchmark traits.
Coming off as rude "unintentionally" is one of the biggest tell tale signs (fyi, he's not being rude, he's simply speaking truthfully).
Although, speaking truthfully comes across as being blunt, insensitive or uncaring.
That's because he has no filter, so he doesn't really consider the affects (or the weight) that his words have before he says them, because to him, words aren't emotional. There's truth and lies.
It's very black & white to him.
You also listed many others signs that are symptomatic of autism, as well.
I understand that it hurt you when your best friend called him "weird", but let me ask you a question... is she wrong?
Is he actually weird or maybe even awkward?
She may be speaking the truth about him, but maybe it's the tone in which she says it that you don't like or appreciate?
Humans tend to fear what we don't understand, however feeling fearful leaves us feeling very exposed and vulnerable (and nobody likes to feel vulnerable).
So what we'll typically do is turn that fear into hate, as hate removes those feelings of vulnerability, because our brain lies and tells us that "hate" will puts us back in control over our fears (it's of course not true, but it's atypical human behavior, sadly).
Why do you think there's so much hatred and discrimination based on different races, religions, cultures, sexual orientation, etc?
Those who can be so hateful toward entire groups of people (that they don't even know personally!) are usually the most ignorant and uneducated about the lifestyle & culture of the people that they supposedly hate.
If I were you, I would have your boyfriend take both of the self assessment tests below (you could even fill it out for him prior to telling him about them, just to see the analysis that come back, based on your answers about him. Then when you know more, you can tell him to take them if you think he'll be receptive).
FYI, the Adult Repetitive Behaviours Questionnaire (RBQ-2A) and the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) are below and both are known as the most reputable self administered autism assessment screening tools online.
(RBQ-2A)
https://embrace-autism.com/rbq-2a/
(AQ)
https://embrace-autism.com/aq-10/
OP said her bf doesn’t say much, not that he says rude things to people. I don’t think you have an idea what you’re even talking about. You’re not a doctor or a psychiatrist. Stop trying to play an online one and give people bs advice about a strangers behavior.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 13:04
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My best friend doesn’t like my boyfriend and it’s really getting to me. Her little comments and digs are driving me crazy. She’s a very close friend, and I want to keep the friendship, but I feel like she is not being a good friend. She had called him "weird" multiple times.
My boyfriend can come off as rude unintentionally.
He’s an introvert, soft-spoken, and quiet in big groups unless you speak to him first. He has a very reserved demeanor that I attribute to his military and law enforcement career. I didn’t like him at first until I got to know him.
We are in love and I plan to marry him. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon - hopefully never - and I don’t know how to get my friend to see this and back off.
My apologies, I didn't have an opportunity to read the other comments before posting.
I only had time to read your OP.
As the parent of a neurodivergent, I've done more than enough research on the subject matter.
IMO, it seems like your boyfriend may be autistic (or at the very least, he may sit somewhere on the spectrum)?
He has many of the benchmark traits.
Coming off as rude "unintentionally" is one of the biggest tell tale signs (fyi, he's not being rude, he's simply speaking truthfully).
Although, speaking truthfully comes across as being blunt, insensitive or uncaring.
That's because he has no filter, so he doesn't really consider the affects (or the weight) that his words have before he says them, because to him, words aren't emotional. There's truth and lies.
It's very black & white to him.
You also listed many others signs that are symptomatic of autism, as well.
I understand that it hurt you when your best friend called him "weird", but let me ask you a question... is she wrong?
Is he actually weird or maybe even awkward?
She may be speaking the truth about him, but maybe it's the tone in which she says it that you don't like or appreciate?
Humans tend to fear what we don't understand, however feeling fearful leaves us feeling very exposed and vulnerable (and nobody likes to feel vulnerable).
So what we'll typically do is turn that fear into hate, as hate removes those feelings of vulnerability, because our brain lies and tells us that "hate" will puts us back in control over our fears (it's of course not true, but it's atypical human behavior, sadly).
Why do you think there's so much hatred and discrimination based on different races, religions, cultures, sexual orientation, etc?
Those who can be so hateful toward entire groups of people (that they don't even know personally!) are usually the most ignorant and uneducated about the lifestyle & culture of the people that they supposedly hate.
If I were you, I would have your boyfriend take both of the self assessment tests below (you could even fill it out for him prior to telling him about them, just to see the analysis that come back, based on your answers about him. Then when you know more, you can tell him to take them if you think he'll be receptive).
FYI, the Adult Repetitive Behaviours Questionnaire (RBQ-2A) and the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) are below and both are known as the most reputable self administered autism assessment screening tools online.
(RBQ-2A)
https://embrace-autism.com/rbq-2a/
(AQ)
https://embrace-autism.com/aq-10/
OP here. I’m not trying to be a jerk but you’re in no way qualified to make this judgement or label anyone. Only a trained medical professional can make this type of diagnosis.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 13:02
Subject: Re:Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:People on this site are remarkably useless at talking to the people they claim are their friends.
Yes,
Friends can observe without rosé glasses and they can get blamed.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 13:02
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
OP here. My boyfriend is not autistic lol. I’m also extremely tired of unqualified people putting labels on others like that.
I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.
My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet. I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.
I talked to my friend and then us together. She said she feels awkward because he’s so quiet most of the time. She is not used to me dating men like this and she has never dated anyone like this.
My boyfriend finds her annoying because she is very nosey about his job and his past jobs. She takes him not willing to answer ( he’s a fed and his job is classified) as him being dismissive and rude to her. I explained to her that I don’t even know the half of what he does yet. I think it will eventually smooth over and they will grow to like each other.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 10:10
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want to ruin my friendship because we have been best friends for over a decade but my bf isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want it to be a point of contention.
He has voiced that he finds her a bit dramatic at times and nosey but he likes her.
I have been with Dh for over 20 years. I have 3 kids now. Dh and I have many separate friendships. I have friends I hang out with alone that Dh doesn’t especially care for and I’m glad to get alone time with. I have also gotten closer and drifted apart from some friends whose husbands either get alone or don’t get along.
One of my closest girlfriends had a boyfriend/husband who never liked Dh. He and i got along fine when they were dating. We are no longer friends a decade later. I have other friends whose husbands don’t really like or know one another and friendship is in tact. I get to see friend. Sometimes I see the husband. This is what happens when people start settling down.
I have a childhood friend whose boyfriend is definitely quirky and socially awkward. He is kind of rude and I don’t really care for him. I thought my friend could do a lot better. We don’t hang out anymore but it is because we both moved. You don’t need your friends to all think your boyfriend/husband is great as long as you do. Just from your description, I would kind of think your boyfriend is a dud. I wouldn’t say that in real life. Your best friend is close enough to you to say it.
But having said it once, she can now stop saying it, or throw the relationship away. I don’t care for my sister’s husband particularly because in 12 years of marriage, and before that while they were dating, he rebuffed efforts to get to know him and generally seemed super uninterested in our family. (And his own. Very quiet reserved guy except with his good friends or the one time we all went out and he had a few drinks.) But sister loves him and he’s not a bad person. So I say nothing and we all vacation together with the kids and various grandparents and it’s fine. I don’t even try to make conversation anymore, just say hi and how are you doing (which gets an “ok” or grunt and no follow up question) but no one gets into fights and it’s all ok. If I ever said anything, I am sure it would harm my relationship with my sister and nephews, and I wouldn’t want that.
Anonymous
03/31/2024 04:25
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:My best friend doesn’t like my boyfriend and it’s really getting to me. Her little comments and digs are driving me crazy. She’s a very close friend, and I want to keep the friendship, but I feel like she is not being a good friend. She had called him "weird" multiple times.
My boyfriend can come off as rude unintentionally.
He’s an introvert, soft-spoken, and quiet in big groups unless you speak to him first. He has a very reserved demeanor that I attribute to his military and law enforcement career. I didn’t like him at first until I got to know him.
We are in love and I plan to marry him. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon - hopefully never - and I don’t know how to get my friend to see this and back off.
My apologies, I didn't have an opportunity to read the other comments before posting.
I only had time to read your OP.
As the parent of a neurodivergent, I've done more than enough research on the subject matter.
IMO, it seems like your boyfriend may be autistic (or at the very least, he may sit somewhere on the spectrum)?
He has many of the benchmark traits.
Coming off as rude "unintentionally" is one of the biggest tell tale signs (fyi, he's not being rude, he's simply speaking truthfully).
Although, speaking truthfully comes across as being blunt, insensitive or uncaring.
That's because he has no filter, so he doesn't really consider the affects (or the weight) that his words have before he says them, because to him, words aren't emotional. There's truth and lies.
It's very black & white to him.
You also listed many others signs that are symptomatic of autism, as well.
I understand that it hurt you when your best friend called him "weird", but let me ask you a question... is she wrong?
Is he actually weird or maybe even awkward?
She may be speaking the truth about him, but maybe it's the tone in which she says it that you don't like or appreciate?
Humans tend to fear what we don't understand, however feeling fearful leaves us feeling very exposed and vulnerable (and nobody likes to feel vulnerable).
So what we'll typically do is turn that fear into hate, as hate removes those feelings of vulnerability, because our brain lies and tells us that "hate" will puts us back in control over our fears (it's of course not true, but it's atypical human behavior, sadly).
Why do you think there's so much hatred and discrimination based on different races, religions, cultures, sexual orientation, etc?
Those who can be so hateful toward entire groups of people (that they don't even know personally!) are usually the most ignorant and uneducated about the lifestyle & culture of the people that they supposedly hate.
If I were you, I would have your boyfriend take both of the self assessment tests below (you could even fill it out for him prior to telling him about them, just to see the analysis that come back, based on your answers about him. Then when you know more, you can tell him to take them if you think he'll be receptive).
FYI, the Adult Repetitive Behaviours Questionnaire (RBQ-2A) and the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) are below and both are known as the most reputable self administered autism assessment screening tools online.
(RBQ-2A)
https://embrace-autism.com/rbq-2a/
(AQ)
https://embrace-autism.com/aq-10/
Anonymous
03/30/2024 21:01
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
I've known a couple of quiet, introverted guys that my friends dated whom I did not like or not like very much.
It's not about being shy, quiet or introverted or not speaking unless spoken to. People like this can also smile, nod when listening, be good listeners, show that they're polite by holding the door open or some common courtesy. What was different about these guys was that they were morose, cold and could be rude when someone did ask a question or be polite to them. They did not have a sparkle in their eye; their eyes were dead. They weren't self-concious or nervous like some shy people can be, which shows they care what other people think. These guys were arrogant, cold, and selfish. They turned out to be real a-holes who were also big whiners in private and were difficult to live with. They couldn't sustain relationships.
So be sure this reserved person is a good person. Your friend may be reacting to a bad first impression or she may see something you don't. Being in law enforcement: there are some great guys in this field and there are also bullies.
It's not about being shy, quiet or introverted or not speaking unless spoken to. People like this can also smile, nod when listening, be good listeners, show that they're polite by holding the door open or some common courtesy. What was different about these guys was that they were morose, cold and could be rude when someone did ask a question or be polite to them. They did not have a sparkle in their eye; their eyes were dead. They weren't self-concious or nervous like some shy people can be, which shows they care what other people think. These guys were arrogant, cold, and selfish. They turned out to be real a-holes who were also big whiners in private and were difficult to live with. They couldn't sustain relationships.
So be sure this reserved person is a good person. Your friend may be reacting to a bad first impression or she may see something you don't. Being in law enforcement: there are some great guys in this field and there are also bullies.
Anonymous
03/30/2024 20:13
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
does this friends always find problems with people?
Your boyfriends?
Is she generally a good judge of character?
Your boyfriends?
Is she generally a good judge of character?
Anonymous
03/30/2024 19:15
Subject: Re:Best friend hates my boyfriend
People on this site are remarkably useless at talking to the people they claim are their friends.
Anonymous
03/30/2024 19:14
Subject: Re:Best friend hates my boyfriend
OP, have you actually TALKED to your friend about what you are expressing? Or are you just hoping for internet strangers to poop on your friend, because you are insecure or something?
Anonymous
03/30/2024 17:24
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
You need “eyes on” observation for this person. Not internet opinions.
Anonymous
03/30/2024 17:23
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:You didn't like him either. Why do you blame her?
Get a third opinion.
Anonymous
03/30/2024 17:13
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
OP, you grew into a mature adult, but your friend is still a child. Stop letting her hold you back from your life. Welcome her back when she grows up.
Anonymous
03/30/2024 17:13
Subject: Best friend hates my boyfriend
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t want to ruin my friendship because we have been best friends for over a decade but my bf isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want it to be a point of contention.
He has voiced that he finds her a bit dramatic at times and nosey but he likes her.
But your bf is already a point of contention. I would say something like: listen, you keep making these digs, I really like bf and you and I have been friends forever. If there is something legit here, I want to hear it. If it’s just a personality mismatch, then please stop with the comments. (Use your own words, yes DCUM scripts are terrible but you get the idea).