Anonymous
03/27/2024 19:07
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of that thread. For us, having a child exacerbated the mental illnesses. There was no way to tell before because he was masking it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but there were little incidents but it was really well hidden
I'm sorry you are dealing with it, OP.
Just to expand on that, many GenX and Millennials who "mask" were not deliberately deceiving others. These were not things we talked about much -- knowledge was different. People weren't seen as having a diagnosis, just as not trying hard enough or not knowing enough. I think that is changing. But "masking" doesn't necessarily indicate deceit. It can mean unawareness and a lot of effort that just eventually fell apart when things became too rough, as they do in life.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 19:01
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.
Go on vacation with them.
Ask how close they are to their families of origin.
THIS. Otherwise it's super hard - a lot of terrible behaviors and issues only manifest post-kids when life is more stressful and busy. I could never have imagined what DH would become but there are a lot of red flags had I thought more deeply.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:42
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.
So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?
Oh yes! Wait until after the mid-20s when the prefrontal cortex has finished development
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:40
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP of that thread. For us, having a child exacerbated the mental illnesses. There was no way to tell before because he was masking it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but there were little incidents but it was really well hidden
Also want to add... people change. They do. So even if you didn't marry crazy, people can become crazy.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:39
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
I'm the OP of that thread. For us, having a child exacerbated the mental illnesses. There was no way to tell before because he was masking it. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 but there were little incidents but it was really well hidden
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:34
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a big fan of going through something stressful together before having kids. How the other reacts and handles things is going to be a decent hint at what things will look like when things get stressful with kids. Is it a perfect way to tell? No.
Maybe but like what?
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:31
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
I'm a big fan of going through something stressful together before having kids. How the other reacts and handles things is going to be a decent hint at what things will look like when things get stressful with kids. Is it a perfect way to tell? No.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:30
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.
So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?
NP.
It’s not about age. It’s about life lessons that enable good decision making. Some people have to learn these lessons the hard way, but parents can do a lot to instill that wisdom.
Work hard at parenting in a way that gives your kids self-worth, strong boundaries, and confidence. Lack of self-worth is why women like me did not trust our own gut, lack of boundaries is why we did not walk away until red flags became glaring problems, and lack of confidence is why we did not resist social pressure to hang on to a “good” man.
Teach your kids to trust themselves by trusting them first. Teach your kids what good boundaries are by respecting their boundaries even when it’s more convenient not to. Teach your kids that it’s actually good to walk away from bad people and bad situations, and that they don’t need a “good” reason to decide they just don’t want someone in their life. Their discomfort is enough reason. Don’t pressure them to give second chances or ignore their discomfort in order to be “fair” to others. Outright tell them that hanging on for dear life to anyone or anything in the name of perseverance is a form of self abuse and is not praise worthy.
Well-written and true.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 18:22
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."
People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).
I mean I definitely know people who were diagnosed with ADHD and (more rarely) autism waaaaay after marriage and kids — usually when their kids were in elementary school and diagnosed and the affected parent was like “That’s not [diagnosis]; that’s just life. Right? …right?” Maybe less so these days where mental health speak is commonplace but it definitely used to happen.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:59
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
It's not whether someone is free of any depression, anxiety, or OCD but how they relate to it. Anxiety, for example, is not the issue - the issue is unmanaged avoidance behaviors. Of course, there would always be the risk the person may relapse into a less functional place. How much risk you are willing to take (or if you would rather not take the risk and stay single) is for each person to decide.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:56
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.
Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.
Not necessarily. I've never dated a woman who wasn't bipolar, but I'm not "crazier." I'm just a steady guy who is well matched with someone who needs a little more support.
This is called codependency and is likely trauma bonding. Get yourself to therapy.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:51
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.
Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.
Not necessarily. I've never dated a woman who wasn't bipolar, but I'm not "crazier." I'm just a steady guy who is well matched with someone who needs a little more support.
You are both crazy and in denial, which makes you ultra crazy. Men like you are the worst.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:51
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.
Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.
Not necessarily. I've never dated a woman who wasn't bipolar, but I'm not "crazier." I'm just a steady guy who is well matched with someone who needs a little more support.
This is true for most men, tbh.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:49
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.
Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.
Not necessarily. I've never dated a woman who wasn't bipolar, but I'm not "crazier." I'm just a steady guy who is well matched with someone who needs a little more support.
Anonymous
03/27/2024 17:48
Subject: s/o How do we screen potential spouses for mental illness?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My son attracts crazy blondes. They are pretty at first but really get nuts after a while and scary. Appearances are deceptive.
Look how you wrote that in a way to make him a victim and excuse him from responsibility. Don’t you mean to say your son is attracted TO “crazy” blondes? By the way, your son is the lowest common denominator to all those relationships. If the women are crazy, it’s because he is crazier and engineering it.
+1