Anonymous wrote:My 35 year old husband is “self employed” in a business that has not been generating revenue for at least 2 years. Meanwhile he refuses to find a job and is instead working on his first novel and is writing music and has joined a band. We have no savings, he has no retirement fund, we have no plans to save to buy a house or have children. He has told me that if I want these things, I need to work for them as he doesn’t care.

There really isn’t much I can do, right?

Wow you just described my wife to a “T”.

Is this a joke? If not, you are obviously being used OP. Get out.

You need to end it

Not so much over salary but also a difference in values and how you view life and what you both want out of it

You don't have a husband, you have a child. Divorce him, this will only get worse.

This is a question of whether your values align. If you value financial security, including into retirement, and responsibility, then compatibility does not seem to be there with respoct to those. If you care less about those things, and more about the positive things he brings to the relationship, whatever they may be - there must be something, since you married, then perhaps the lack of ambition, lack of focus, and limited financial contributions don't matter so much. Everything is relative. Many, if not most, would say that a partner without sensible ambitions and a willingness to contribute to long-term financial security for a couple is not a partner worth having and may instead be a long-term liability, but it's your perspective which matters.

Sounds like a respect issue. If he was a social worker or a teacher making 80k a year who worked hard and loved his job, would you care?

If it’s just a finance issue and you actually love and respect him, that’s a different story and you would need to majorly live within your means. But he sounds like he has untreated adhd (I would know, I have untreated ADHD because I’ve been diagnosed as an adult and can’t be medicated while pregnant/nursing.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is untrustworthy. First her husband doesn't have a job, then he has a job that has no revenue, then he has a job that makes $50k (which is not nothing). I imagine OP gaslights her husband similarly.

OP should get divorced, but not because her husband is dead weight, but because marriages aren't happy if both partners aren't honest with themselves and with one another.

DP. Why do you conclude that "OP is untrustworthy"? Running a music business that generates only 50k profit is the same as not being employed.

NP. No it's not the same. He is employed and making money. The amount isn't much and it's understandable she's concerned, but the title is misleading. He's underemployed not unemployed.

+1 He is earning enough to support himself (if he chooses to focus on his novel and live a frugal life), but not the lifestyle he shares with OP, most likely. And not a family.

Gentleman scholar is an oxymoron. Real scholars work very long and hard at it. Your husband is a dilettante. Does your DH even have a PhD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Run!!!

+1 What a loser.

Not only is he a loser, but he would be an irresponsible father. Furthermore, he is inconsiderate, he does not value your wishes and priorities.

I would have never married such a guy. Even if he had family money, his attitude and behavior would still not be acceptable.

Disagree. My husband has family money and is a gentleman scholar. He teaches a bit but brings in minimal money. He’s great at cooking and is always available to travel with me when I go places for work. It’s a very relaxed and comfortable life. But it doesn’t sound like this the case for OP.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, how dare a man only make $50,000 per year (just slightly below the national median)?

Oh, by the way, if we’re talking about being unemployed/underemployed, let’s talk about all the women who never go back to work even once kids are at an age that they no longer need full-time attention. But, you know, they’ve been out of the workforce for so long, now have “mild depression,” etc., etc., etc.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Yes, how dare a man only make $50,000 per year (just slightly below the national median)?

Oh, by the way, if we’re talking about being unemployed/underemployed, let’s talk about all the women who never go back to work even once kids are at an age that they no longer need full-time attention. But, you know, they’ve been out of the workforce for so long, now have “mild depression,” etc., etc., etc.

Leave him. Good grief. Who wants a man like that. Better to be alone

People are focused on exactly how much ops spouse is making, or whether his business might one day take off etc… when the real issue is that he said he doesn’t care about buying a home, retirement family life and stability. etc. fundamentally you’re incompatible op. Let him write his novel and play in a band as a single dude (which is how is living except he also has you to pay the bills. Break up , you are not compatible. This is not really about money. He’s a man child.

Divorce

If you want kids, get on dating apps and date a lot.

Let me know when you are single. My DW complained when I “only” made165k, in one month.