OP I don’t know why people are being critical of you I think you are doing fine.

Puberty and your body changing so much messes with your head and it’s just hard for some people. You sound like you are sensitive to this and I am sure you are a good resource for your daughter. Because she doesn’t want to talk, maybe you don’t want to wait for her to come to you, but just give her little bits now and again, small doses of info that are not too overwhelming.

My kid did not want to wear bras at first and the only ones she ever has been interested in are the bralettes or “sleep bras” that are soft and comfy. No underwire, no lace, she just wants to be comfortable. A lot of times she is not wearing a bra and I think this generation may just be way more casual about bras than past generations. I think also any bra that looked adult or sexy freaked her out and she did not want that. Definitely get her a few bralettes they usually come in small medium large so you don’t need to do any complicated fittings.

Given the way this generation understands gender, she may really not want to deal with it bc she doesn't see herself as a typical girl. If you push too much, she may really dig her heels in and reject your guidance. Adolescence is a difficult dance.

TBH I think you are making too big of a deal of out of this OP…my DD didn’t want to talk to me about those things at her age either. We’d discussed the basics long before that and I’m sure me you have as well.

I do think it is okay to put your foot down about hygiene or wardrobe issues depending how bad it is without the bra…I’d just tell her privately that she either needs to change her top or wear a bra/cami. Same as you might tell her a shirt or shorts is just way too short or has been outgrown and to go change.

My DD prefers to order bras/bra like items/underwear etc on Amazon where she can read reviews, browse and shop in privacy. She has zero desire to shop at a regular store (shudder) or have me involved. I just tell her to put whatever she wants in the cart within reason and she texts me to approve. Has resulted in a couple of bra returns but no biggie.

I don’t know if this is happening with your daughter, OP, but this was my experience. I got my period at 11 (Easter Bunny didn’t come etc), by 6th grade I was a D-Cup. My parents just started acting like I was much older. The world treated me like an adult, including gross men hitting on me. I remember being at the airport with my snoopy suitcase as a 5th grader and people looking at me strangely. A flight attendant teased me about it and I realized why I’d gotten all the looks.

My body was so far ahead of my brain. I felt like a kid and had no tools to cope with being treated like a woman. Yes, I knew about biology and BC, but I really needed my parents to recognize that I was a kid and help navigate that whole situation. And to let me BE a kid.

DD also developed early. I made sure she wasn’t pushed out of kid stuff until she was ready and I role played with her to practice telling people her real age and to knock off their problematic behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if her reaction is normal or not.

My only takeaway here is that if she has a B cup and is routinely in white shirts, she needs something, even just an undershirt under those tops. We can be as accepting as we want, but no one is doing any 11 year old any favors by allowing everyone to see her boobs through her white shirt.

The voice of reason!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

It is not "grief OP. I seriously doubt that. It is not normal that she moved that book to a sibling's room. It is not normal that she screams about this.

Have you been talking to her about her body since she was a small child? I sure hope so.

Something else is going on and now it is time to get outside help. Not like at school she is not hearing things.

Talk to your pediatrician and your gyn for guidance. It is clear this is past the point of only you helping her.

Not the OP, but with respect, I strongly disagree. Some girls embrace puberty, some deny it’s happening. Some girls can’t wait to be women, some grieve very hard for their childhood. It’s all on a normal spectrum. Love, patience and openness are the key and this mom is on the right track.

The problem is that those who can’t accept their puberty fall prey to vultures who try to make them think they must have gender dysphoria or some such nonsense

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

Our society treats female and male bodies TOTALLY differently. Female puberty is a time to be forced to “acknowledge” something bad and difficult; male puberty is something to be proud of. Even in this thread we have the suggestion that a girl being uninterested in puberty means that maybe she’s not actually a girl!

It’s just a bodily process. There’s nothing to “acknowledge.” There’s basic hygeine and information that needs to be conveyed but otherwise stop trying to control it.

Look, I am female and I survived. I was proud of my period (for a while, lol) and I couldn’t wait for my breasts to develop.
Everyone needs to accept that who they are and societal limitations.
Whatever she thinks she needs to wear something under her whites. The rest I wouldn’t care much about

You said that your close friend teaches the puberty class. Would she take one taught by someone else and could you then sweeten the deal with some shopping with her friend where you could also pick up a few cami's.

I feel like I had a similar reaction during puberty. My mom did similar things like try to talk to me (when we were alone together), leave books for me, etc and I would get very frustrated/angry. I felt really uncomfortable talking to her. She also threw a period party for me after I got it (don't do that!!!!).

Does your daughter have anxiety? Maybe you can find someone on the younger side that can talk to her. I feel like I would have listened more to an outside person that I could relate to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

Our society treats female and male bodies TOTALLY differently. Female puberty is a time to be forced to “acknowledge” something bad and difficult; male puberty is something to be proud of. Even in this thread we have the suggestion that a girl being uninterested in puberty means that maybe she’s not actually a girl!

It’s just a bodily process. There’s nothing to “acknowledge.” There’s basic hygeine and information that needs to be conveyed but otherwise stop trying to control it.

No because it's reality. It is part of life.
It is education. What is OP going to do when DD gets her period? Ignore it?

No OP failed before this point and now something is not right.

OP the idea of watching the Movie "Are you there God it's Me Margaret" is a good one. Not the only thing you should do but a start.

Get to your pediatrian and gyn now and get some help.

Or … OP can just put some pads in the bathroom and say “they are there when you need them” and not mention it again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact she’s 11 and when you try and talk to her she screams and runs away is an issue. Does she normally do this when you talk to her about something she’s not keen on?
I have an 11yo DD who also wears baggy clothing and is very boyish. But her body is her body and it’s changing so she needs to know what’s going on and how to handle it.
Your DD does too.

No, only about this. Which is why I'm asking for advice. She's my most open, affectionate, and emotionally intelligent kid, so all of this is pretty out of character for her. I know she's not happy about it all, but I'm trying to figure out how to help her through her grief.

her GRIEF? wtf?? with an attitude like that you wonder why she won’t talk to you?

Not the OP, but I feel so sorry for your kids that they’re only allowed to have the emotions you find acceptable.

I mean it’s fine if the kid actually feels grief but there’s zero indication of that, and a ton of projection by adults.

She’s just not going to talk to you about it and the more you push the more she’s going to hide and be weird about it. I feel you bc I’m so open but my oldest was like this and back off was the only thing that worked.

Not wearing a bra isn’t the worst - someone will eventually say something and they will be in her drawer waiting

I would get her a tighter fitting tank or a bralette, if she is willing to try it. It's hard when you are still a kid and your body is foisting adult like responsibilities on you.

I remember being that age, and it's hard - I have never been good with change and I was a late bloomer (I secretely played with dolls at this age for example). I didn't take it as far as your daughter, but I remember my mom getting me a book from the library and her asking me where it was and I had hidden it because I was embarassed. I also remember a girl bringing a book about puberty to a sleepover and being mortified. I would get her a tank top with shelf bra (or even molded ones like the uniqlo ones) and stay supportive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to watch that movie “God, are you listening? It’s me, Margaret” with her.
Or just tell her out of the whole puberty talk context that she must wear something underneath her white shirts now.

And to the PP who mentioned boys- I have one and yes I would be uncomfortable if he still refused to wear swim shorts with the support insert (which he did when he was younger), and if he generally didn’t want to acknowledge puberty. It so happened that he was, in fact, proud of his bodily changes. As should be the case with girls, too, even though it’s harder for them and I acknowledge that.

Our society treats female and male bodies TOTALLY differently. Female puberty is a time to be forced to “acknowledge” something bad and difficult; male puberty is something to be proud of. Even in this thread we have the suggestion that a girl being uninterested in puberty means that maybe she’s not actually a girl!

It’s just a bodily process. There’s nothing to “acknowledge.” There’s basic hygeine and information that needs to be conveyed but otherwise stop trying to control it.

No because it's reality. It is part of life.
It is education. What is OP going to do when DD gets her period? Ignore it?

No OP failed before this point and now something is not right.

OP the idea of watching the Movie "Are you there God it's Me Margaret" is a good one. Not the only thing you should do but a start.

Get to your pediatrian and gyn now and get some help.

Anonymous wrote:A cami with shelf bra or bralette under white shirts is a requirement as is daily showering, deodorant, teeth cleaning and clean hair.

No need for emo discussions. Just enforce rules and routines re: hygiene.

Also, leave pads in her room, backpack, etc.

I wouldn’t get anything that looks like a bra. She’s 11 and though well developed she is still young. A loose cami or thin tank top under.