Btdt. Try adhd meds - they are in and out of the system quickly so if they exacerbate the anxiety you can stop easily. Do one with good extended release.

I only have one kid, but my child was like your older one.

You need an evaluation - a full one for all the things. This will help you determine which meds are most appropriate to try out first - we tried many, and landed on Prozac and Latuda in combination. They work the best (even according to my now 15yo) for our child - but everyone is different, and a child with a different diagnostic profile would need something different than my child.

Then you need family therapy - individual didn't seem to do much for my child until they were older. 12 or 13. Family therapy has been life altering though - in a really really good way. It helps us parent better, it helps us see behaviors in productive ways and call them out productively too. I highly recommend it - particularly with a therapist who has experience with children like yours.

Individual therapy would be good too, but at this age not as important as family therapy.

Anonymous wrote:Get evaluated, in therapy for the child and parenting help for the parents.

BTDT in OP's position. Not all child therapy and parenting help is equal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you are figuring out the medication piece, read about Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving. He knows what he's doing is wrong, so your imposing consequences is just exacerbating the shame cycle without giving him tools to improve.

i am so anti ross greene. it's SO unworkable. I mean there are some core tenets there. but zero other ppl in your child's life are going to do this with them PLUS it's so impossible to put into practice they have whole facebook groups where people ask insane questions about very very specific situations and still can't work it out.

op - you need: adhd medication and parent training (not ross greene but someone to work 1:1 with you and set up a system that is practicable for your life).
we have the same issue and have had success with the above.

+1
The FB group is insane. I think it’s making the kids
Worse not better.

It's INSANE and agree. It's disturbing on so many levels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my 8 year old who was diagnosed with adhd. Emotional dysregulation is a core part of adhd, which I didn’t really know until we went down the path of trying to figure out what was going on. We did OT for a while, and then started meds because the emotional reactiveness was impacting friendships at school and causing my child to feel bad about themselves. They knew their behavior wasn’t in line with others and kept saying “I’m always the bad kid.” The meds made a world of difference. They enabled my child to use the tools they learned to regulate their emotions.

I suggest starting with a formal diagnosis and figure out options from there.

Thank you.

I will add he is PERFECT at school and on play dates and with others. This is a home only issue.

His home behavior sounds like an outcome of his emotional dysregulation. He’s clearly telling you that if he could control it at home he would! He’s keeping it together as much as he possibly can away from home and then can’t keep it up anymore once at home where he has a meltdown. This is a well-documented response for children (and adults) who deal with emotional dysregulation.

Helping him to identify his dysregulated state sooner — say on a scale of 1 to 10 before he reaches a 5 or 6 — can help him (and you) to stave off a meltdown. He will be better able to access his skills. Once dysregulation levels reach closer to 10, there’s no way to avoid a meltdown — he’s not doing it “on purpose”.


I have an older autistic DD and emotional dysregulation from sensory issues and not picking up on her own cues regarding her internal state (interoception)— both body cues such as hunger and emotion cues — are something we continue to work on and to deal with.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with eval and meds. Also you need to separate them when he gets like this since he can't calm down. If he's too worked up to be removed, you remove the younger one. He shouldn't have to listen to the mean words or deal with being punched.

This. I'd also not put things important to the younger where older can access them in a rage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you are figuring out the medication piece, read about Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving. He knows what he's doing is wrong, so your imposing consequences is just exacerbating the shame cycle without giving him tools to improve.

i am so anti ross greene. it's SO unworkable. I mean there are some core tenets there. but zero other ppl in your child's life are going to do this with them PLUS it's so impossible to put into practice they have whole facebook groups where people ask insane questions about very very specific situations and still can't work it out.

op - you need: adhd medication and parent training (not ross greene but someone to work 1:1 with you and set up a system that is practicable for your life).
we have the same issue and have had success with the above.

+1
The FB group is insane. I think it’s making the kids
Worse not better.

100% I had to leave - I couldn’t read it anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While you are figuring out the medication piece, read about Ross Greene's collaborative problem solving. He knows what he's doing is wrong, so your imposing consequences is just exacerbating the shame cycle without giving him tools to improve.

i am so anti ross greene. it's SO unworkable. I mean there are some core tenets there. but zero other ppl in your child's life are going to do this with them PLUS it's so impossible to put into practice they have whole facebook groups where people ask insane questions about very very specific situations and still can't work it out.

op - you need: adhd medication and parent training (not ross greene but someone to work 1:1 with you and set up a system that is practicable for your life).
we have the same issue and have had success with the above.

+1
The FB group is insane. I think it’s making the kids
Worse not better.

You are not alone. Get a formal diagnosis and then move forward. We quickly got an anxiety diagnosis, and medicated, which helped. Then later got the ADHD diagnosis and medicated for the too. It's been life changing. Along with finding the right therapist. We were at our breaking point at at 7/8, now at 10 doing a million times better.