Op - I do think she is under medicated for anxiety but it’s very confusing bc she is on so many other meds for her current pain. It’s also possible that dementia or Parkinson’s is at play but she has just now had surgery and the geriatrician says they won’t be able to tell until she comes off the pain meds. I do agree I need to talk to my dad more thoroughly - he has told me that they had the conversation and calculated that number that it will cost her to live at home with care until she dies (the $6m number). But I don’t think they have properly thought it through. And yes to all the above posters - she has never been ‘checked’ and made to grow up and he derives some weird secondary benefit. I have been at home with them for the past week and realized that my whole childhood was dominated by her never really needing to step up (never picking me up or dropping me off or making dinner or even waking up before I went to school - Nannies did it all and then I did) while dad structures life around her needs and preferences. Somehow it all didn’t quite click till the anxiety crisis got worse and I saw how she manipulates. I am really struggling with my empathy for her post surgically as a result and actually may need to cut my visit short as I am having trouble faking it. Is all really hard

Sorry I don't have time to read it all again, have we confirmed she actually TAKES her meds? My mother have severe anxiety and likely early stage dementia and she kept taking it, not taking it, deciding to take it again, skipping a few days and the doctor tells her over and over this is so, so terrible and likely the reason her behavior is atrocious and her anxiety and rage all over the map, but she has the right to do this and I just stopped enabling by being a slave to her tirades.

My God, I hope that's not me in my old age.

I have a panic disorder, that flares up sometimes (like for a month every couple of years), and at those times, I have back to back panic attacks. I feel like I'm dying. It's horrific. And then, as suddenly as it came, it ends up going away after a few weeks. Nobody has ever been able to understand it.

So I feel for your mother, OP. I have a few thoughts:

1 First, it seems she might have dementia, on top of the panic.

2. Second, have you gotten second and third opinions on the medication? Could her panic be made worse on the cocktail she's on right now? In the elderly who have lots of meds to take, hallucinations and psychosis are often triggered by side-effects of their meds, or med interactions. Could she be intolerant to certain medications? I start hallucinating on codeine, for example, and I'm sensitive to a lot of meds.

3. You and your father have to at least try to get her into a nursing home. See what happens. It sounds very cruel, when she clings to you so unhappily, but here's my reasoning: my panic has a vicious cycle component to it. After a few sleep deprived days with unending panic, I become intolerant to my bed, where most of them occur, and can't even start to sleep because I panic about having a panic attack! My familiar environment starts to make me feel extremely uncomfortable because my poor silly brain associates it with repeated attacks. I don't quite know how I snap out of it, but I always do (knock on wood). Maybe your mother cannot anymore, and so she needs a wholly different environment, maybe with different meds, to have a total brain reset.

Also, does she feel cold is beneficial when she starts to panic? I do. I literally open the freezer and stand there. Or use ice packs to try to reduce my panic.


I don't know if any of that helps. I just really hope I don't end up like your mother.

This is not your problem to solve. Your parents are adults and they have set their lives up like this and they are making their own choices.
If you are an ocean away be thankful for that. If your father passes away and nothing has changed before then, your mother will either learn to cope or social services and outside authorities will start taking over. You cannot work harder than the people involved to fix their problems. Focus on your own life, go to your own therapy, do not feel obligated to fix any of this.

I'm sorry, OP. There aren't any easy answers about what you can and cannot make your parents do or understand, but it sounds like you need to have a come to Jesus conversation with your father that makes 100% clear to him that you're not moving back to their country and that, assuming he dies first, there needs to be a plan in place for your mom.

It sounds to me that they have a totally co-dependent relationship and that it fulfills a need in your father to be so desperately needed by your mother that he "can't" leave her alone for even a second. But it seems to me that, if possible, you need to turn this co-dependence to your advantage in laying down a firm line that you simply are unable to step into his shoes if he dies first, and that, if he truly loves her so much that he cannot leave her side for even a second, then he needs to plan for when he leaves her for good.

Anonymous wrote:Can your father or you talk to the psychiatrist and explain what is happening? Is your mom not taking her meds?

This. Even if he cannot share information with you, you can provide HIM with information.

It may be mental illness exacerbated by early dementia symptoms.

NAMI family to family course is helpful and free, OP, highly recommend, it's virtual

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The upcoming surgery is your chance if dad will get on board. Is he willing to say he cannot give the level of care she requires even with help so they place her in an AL? He needs to let the SW know just how bad things are. Of course she won't want to go. Many of the most difficult people don't. They will make sure she takes the meds. (I am suspecting part of the problem is your mom may not take them consistently which can make things much worse.)

My mom has severe anxiety when not properly medicated and she will try every approach to control people-needy, abusive, innocent victim incapable and anything, tyrant. Her peers don't put up with that BS for a second and I step back enough so she gets lonely and frustrated enough she goes back on meds and therapy. Having to behave for peers at a AL, rather than controlling your dad, will be good for her brain. They can have pleasant visits because he gets a life back.

op - i dont think he would ever do that. and she would refuse. she can afford 24/7 nurses who literally sit there holding her hand and can afford it forever, if that's how she chooses to spend the rest of their money, so there isn't really an incentive

OP, your blessing is that they have the resources to cover all their needs. Keep paying for the 24/7 nurses and live your life knowing she is safe and comfortable. Everything else is out of your control.

Also, someone recently posted about frontotemporal dementia and the denial that comes with it. Might want to look into an official diagnosis. It would help strengthen your case in the event you MUST move her to a facility.

Anonymous wrote:The upcoming surgery is your chance if dad will get on board. Is he willing to say he cannot give the level of care she requires even with help so they place her in an AL? He needs to let the SW know just how bad things are. Of course she won't want to go. Many of the most difficult people don't. They will make sure she takes the meds. (I am suspecting part of the problem is your mom may not take them consistently which can make things much worse.)

My mom has severe anxiety when not properly medicated and she will try every approach to control people-needy, abusive, innocent victim incapable and anything, tyrant. Her peers don't put up with that BS for a second and I step back enough so she gets lonely and frustrated enough she goes back on meds and therapy. Having to behave for peers at a AL, rather than controlling your dad, will be good for her brain. They can have pleasant visits because he gets a life back.

op - i dont think he would ever do that. and she would refuse. she can afford 24/7 nurses who literally sit there holding her hand and can afford it forever, if that's how she chooses to spend the rest of their money, so there isn't really an incentive

The upcoming surgery is your chance if dad will get on board. Is he willing to say he cannot give the level of care she requires even with help so they place her in an AL? He needs to let the SW know just how bad things are. Of course she won't want to go. Many of the most difficult people don't. They will make sure she takes the meds. (I am suspecting part of the problem is your mom may not take them consistently which can make things much worse.)

My mom has severe anxiety when not properly medicated and she will try every approach to control people-needy, abusive, innocent victim incapable and anything, tyrant. Her peers don't put up with that BS for a second and I step back enough so she gets lonely and frustrated enough she goes back on meds and therapy. Having to behave for peers at a AL, rather than controlling your dad, will be good for her brain. They can have pleasant visits because he gets a life back.

So your dad never showers or goes to the bathroom alone? He never goes to the dentist either? This doesn't make sense that she can't ever be without your dad. She has learned how to manipulate you.

OP - I do think (and my therapist has pointed this out) that my dad has enabled her to remain 'stuck' in babyhood to some extent and has not forced her to 'deal' as it were. I am generally protected from doing what she wants bc I live an ocean away; and it's true that my dad is his own person and has his part to play. I just need to set it up so that down the line there is a network in place to catch what i cannot and am not willing to catch, but preferably we would also chip away at the extreme edges of the mental health issue sooner rather than later, either with inpatient or some other modality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s on your dad for putting up with it and enabling it. So she cries and shakes if she is alone one second, then so be it. Your dad is essentially giving up his life. You need to focus on him.

13:06 here. This is a cruel and clueless response. The mom is mentally ill and though hard, she deserves compassion and a compassionate plan drawn up by her loved ones. You wouldn’t blame a cancer patient for vomiting on your new rug, would you?

NP If the cancer patient keeps vomiting but insists that they never do and refuse any precautions, I would absolutely blame them and tell them to stay far, far away from that rug.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh and re paid respite for my dad- she literally won’t let him leave her side even if a carer and me are there.

I really struggle with it bc it feels so selfish to me.

Seems like you all are being manipulated into doing what she wants. Is she physically stopping your dad from leaving the house? Let her cry. One of the ways to work through anxiety is to move through the moment and repeat it over and over until it becomes an expected moment.

That's fine for OP, but her dad is making his own choice. He reinforces the mother's anxiety. There isn't anything that will change that. OP can only step in and make changes once her father has died or else he is somehow unable to care for the mother.

Anonymous wrote:Oh and re paid respite for my dad- she literally won’t let him leave her side even if a carer and me are there.

I really struggle with it bc it feels so selfish to me.

Seems like you all are being manipulated into doing what she wants. Is she physically stopping your dad from leaving the house? Let her cry. One of the ways to work through anxiety is to move through the moment and repeat it over and over until it becomes an expected moment.