Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 09:18     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is a people-pleaser who tells you what you want to hear but isn't willing to follow through. And I get that it is maddening. Because you can't really believe anything he commits to. Or else your communication is poor and he actually means "Unless my boss calls me" and he isn't saying that caveat aloud. You need to be more clear with him (and I know you felt like you were clear but he's obviously not catching your meaning) that a boss phone call is not a good reason. If that means he doesn't do this task, he does a different task.

I had this fight with my husband so many times. "If you can't do it, don't tell me you will do it." "Why did you agree to this if you won't actually do it?" It took a year of having that conversation before he got it. Now he only agrees to do things that are realistically possible.


Same! That's a reoccurring fight in our house. DH agrees then doesn't follow through. I'm glad your DH finally changed his approach. Mine won't say no to anything then gets mad when I'm upset about him failing to uphold his agreement.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 09:00     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
It sounds like he is a people-pleaser who tells you what you want to hear but isn't willing to follow through. And I get that it is maddening. Because you can't really believe anything he commits to. Or else your communication is poor and he actually means "Unless my boss calls me" and he isn't saying that caveat aloud. You need to be more clear with him (and I know you felt like you were clear but he's obviously not catching your meaning) that a boss phone call is not a good reason. If that means he doesn't do this task, he does a different task.

I had this fight with my husband so many times. "If you can't do it, don't tell me you will do it." "Why did you agree to this if you won't actually do it?" It took a year of having that conversation before he got it. Now he only agrees to do things that are realistically possible.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:48     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
"Breaking my trust" is so extreme. Such extreme language.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:44     Subject: Re:Husband breaking my trust
His boss controls his life = going to happen. How is this even news to you? So, your husband is willing to upset your little kid who hates being picked up late, annoy the daycare teachers , make our older kid late for her activity --- that's on him.

If you say this task is on him, it's his responsibility --- he lives with the consequences. Everyone lives with his consequences. And somehow the earth keeps revolving around the sun.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:44     Subject: Re:Husband breaking my trust
Grace, not grave.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:44     Subject: Re:Husband breaking my trust
Men don’t shoulder parenting responsibilities to the same degree that mothers do. It’s a societal expectation placed on your husband as well as you.

The sooner you learn not to take it personally, the happier you will be in your marriage.

The power to set work boundaries is earned over time, not automatically granted. My DH didn’t get that grave from his boss until he had more than 15 years of work experience.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:40     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He is a dumb*as for agreeing to 5:30. He needs to do what women all over the world do and put his family first.

Having said that, he isn't gonna change, so you need to assign him a different task instead.


And this is why men make more than women. By putting his job first, he is able to provide better for his family.


And even then the default is “dad can handle stuff at work, wifey has it covered.” Male bosses, female bosses, etc.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:39     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
BTDT. He’s not gonna change on this and you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Set yourself up for success. Why can’t he do drop off and you do pick up?

Pick up is always challenging. If he can do it on time 4/5 days, on the 1/5 day, you just do it. Sometimes there are work issues that take you past an appointed time.

Are you going to be more resentful about doing pick up 1/5 times a week or stewing about it.

(This is how we do it.)
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:35     Subject: Re:Husband breaking my trust
I think you're overreacting. I get it, I've done the same. But you are going to drive yourself (and him) crazy with your micromanaging here. Why does it matter if he's still on the phone when he heads out? He could finish the call on the car ride to daycare. Also, your kid doesn't know the difference between 5:30 and 5:40 - it's 10 minutes, not an hour. Perhaps on the nights that your older child has an activity you need to decide that family dinner isn't going to happen. Also, maybe he should do morning drop offs and you should handle evening pickups if you're so stressed about time.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:29     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
You sound like a major control freak, rigid and unable to deal w life. OMG. I would die if I had to live with you.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 08:05     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it. It's maddening when people are unreliable, especially with a task he volunteered for. It's like he told OP what she wanted to hear, but didn't think it through or intend to live up to it. It's hard to organize a family when the other adult is not reliable and doesn't plan well.

Realistically he's unlikely to draw a hard line at work, so OP needs a different task to have him do.


+1000

I do NOT think you're overreacting. Staying on schedule with young kids is so difficult and having a reliable partner is necessary. He broke his agreement and that intensified your anxiety. This must be a regular occurrence or I doubt you would be so worried about the time he left. Sorry I don't have answers and as other have said I don't think he will change. I hope you find a way to break this cycle.


That is quite the assumption, and not at all warranted, based on what OP has conveyed.


OP wrote:
"He has a history of breaking promises and putting work first, always working longer than he tells me."

Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 07:53     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
Anonymous wrote:He is a dumb*as for agreeing to 5:30. He needs to do what women all over the world do and put his family first.

Having said that, he isn't gonna change, so you need to assign him a different task instead.


And this is why men make more than women. By putting his job first, he is able to provide better for his family.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 07:35     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I get it. It's maddening when people are unreliable, especially with a task he volunteered for. It's like he told OP what she wanted to hear, but didn't think it through or intend to live up to it. It's hard to organize a family when the other adult is not reliable and doesn't plan well.

Realistically he's unlikely to draw a hard line at work, so OP needs a different task to have him do.


+1000

I do NOT think you're overreacting. Staying on schedule with young kids is so difficult and having a reliable partner is necessary. He broke his agreement and that intensified your anxiety. This must be a regular occurrence or I doubt you would be so worried about the time he left. Sorry I don't have answers and as other have said I don't think he will change. I hope you find a way to break this cycle.


That is quite the assumption, and not at all warranted, based on what OP has conveyed.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 07:31     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
You seem unstable.
Anonymous
Post 03/13/2024 07:26     Subject: Husband breaking my trust
There is a reason why the best setup for families with young children is if the mother works part-time.