I think you’re right to set some boundaries, OP. My spouse had a similar friend, promised nothing untoward was going on, but still decided to actively hide things from me. I set some boundaries, things were fine for a little while, and then spouse reverted to previous behavior. It’s really damaged my respect for the spouse, and I’m still struggling with it a year later.

I don’t care if you have a friend, but once there’s active hiding of things going on, then it’s a problem for me.

Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

I think that's once you're married for a while, the best gauge is when someone's behavior really shifts. It sounds like this is brand new behavior (within the last several months) that all started when he began regularly communicating with this co-worker. If it feels off, it probably is. Even if "off" just means that it's a closer friendship than you are comfortable with. You are allowed to have boundaries in a committed relationship and if this is one of yours, you need to communicate that and he can choose to respect it.

It might be helpful to go to your own therapist for some time to work out how you want to approach it. But I wouldn't try to ignore it and hope it will go away. At best, he's obliviously enjoying this new friendship. At worst, he has crossed a line and you'll need to move forward from there. Good luck OP--I hope you can get some peace.

My husband works with almost all women. It’s actually nice that they include him in things like group texts and birthday dinners. Some of them are our age and single. Some are married, lesbians, old enough to be his mom or young enough to be his child. However it’s always a group text, group meetups, group lunches. Maybe they get together 1:1 without him, but I can only think of 1 time in his 5+ years with this team that he had dinner alone with a woman following a happy hour to talk through a tough career decision she was making.

If he had 1 “special” friend that he texted 1:1 and spent a lot of time outside the office with, I would find that suspicious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either you trust or you don’t. My husband and his tennis partner are a nationally ranked mixed doubles team and have been for a few years. They travel to 3-4 events a year which I don’t attend except maybe once a year nor does her husband. Early on I was concerned because she is very attractive and they are gone for about five days. But I’ve never felt that something was going on and once or twice a year the four of us have dinner and there is never any awkwardness. I’m sure they text and talk frequently about matches but I’m not going to dig into his phone.

I think the correction to your post is either your husband is trustworthy or not. It doesn’t matter if you trust him or if you track him it’s not gonna change what he does.

Very true

Anonymous wrote:Either you trust or you don’t. My husband and his tennis partner are a nationally ranked mixed doubles team and have been for a few years. They travel to 3-4 events a year which I don’t attend except maybe once a year nor does her husband. Early on I was concerned because she is very attractive and they are gone for about five days. But I’ve never felt that something was going on and once or twice a year the four of us have dinner and there is never any awkwardness. I’m sure they text and talk frequently about matches but I’m not going to dig into his phone.

This totally sounds like ops situation 🙄

I wouldn’t, if the friendship was out in the open, and “shared” to
The degree that occasionally she and her spouse would meet with both of us.

Anonymous wrote:Either you trust or you don’t. My husband and his tennis partner are a nationally ranked mixed doubles team and have been for a few years. They travel to 3-4 events a year which I don’t attend except maybe once a year nor does her husband. Early on I was concerned because she is very attractive and they are gone for about five days. But I’ve never felt that something was going on and once or twice a year the four of us have dinner and there is never any awkwardness. I’m sure they text and talk frequently about matches but I’m not going to dig into his phone.

I think the correction to your post is either your husband is trustworthy or not. It doesn’t matter if you trust him or if you track him it’s not gonna change what he does.

No, my dh has close girl friends from high school he texts with daily/weekly. We are decades out of high school. I am glad he has these friends.

Either you trust or you don’t. My husband and his tennis partner are a nationally ranked mixed doubles team and have been for a few years. They travel to 3-4 events a year which I don’t attend except maybe once a year nor does her husband. Early on I was concerned because she is very attractive and they are gone for about five days. But I’ve never felt that something was going on and once or twice a year the four of us have dinner and there is never any awkwardness. I’m sure they text and talk frequently about matches but I’m not going to dig into his phone.

OP, can you check you phone bill to see how much texting/calling is going on? You can also drop a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in his car somewhere.

Obviously.

Anonymous wrote:

there’s also some weird stuff going on with his phone GPS - says he’s at home when I know he’s at work, or vice versa. Never puts him in any other place than home or work, no in transit or running errands

Ugh, this sounds like location spoofing. You fix your location from a laptop or desktop with third party software. It stays there until you move it manually. FoneGeek iOS Location Changer is one that I know of.

At minimum OP, you guys should be able to share each other's location in "Find my" on iphones (if you have them). If the data doesn't look right (or if he won't do this) you have a problem.

Okay but OP shouldn't let on that she suspects something.

there’s also some weird stuff going on with his phone GPS - says he’s at home when I know he’s at work, or vice versa. Never puts him in any other place than home or work, no in transit or running errands

Ugh, this sounds like location spoofing. You fix your location from a laptop or desktop with third party software. It stays there until you move it manually. FoneGeek iOS Location Changer is one that I know of.

At minimum OP, you guys should be able to share each other's location in "Find my" on iphones (if you have them). If the data doesn't look right (or if he won't do this) you have a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Wise words…thank you. Now if I can just get DH to talk rather than stonewall! I suppose at least it means he still values our relationship, that he’s playing it down and trying to keep it under wraps. But it just feels like there a third person around, sharing pizza night, and I’d like to understand why he seems to need that. Maybe I need to be more present, more attentive, giving etc.

No. I know you wish this were the case. I wish it for you. In all likelihood, this isn't happening because you're lacking in any way. Please remember that no matter what happens.

Unfortunately to add, your H is stonewalling to protect the life he has. It's not that he doesn't want you. He wants you, and whatever this other "thing" is. Ask yourself if you're Ok with that. I wasn't.

I agree with this a million percent. And as for OP being more present and attentive and giving, I strongly suspect that would just push him away more. Paradoxically, I think that being less attentive and present and giving, and focusing more on what will make you happy, is more likely to turn things around. But who knows, this doesn't sound good.