I would be dont paying for the phone. You want service to use it as a weapon - get a job.

Anonymous wrote:You say you dont engage, but then end up losing your temper and on film. I don't think youre actually "not engaging" at all, or at least not well.

Speaking from experience - staying calm in the face of someone doing everything possible to provoke you is HARD. Hard. And kids just know how to push buttons. I can give OP the benefit of the doubt here that she’s doing her best to not engage but that this kid makes it very hard. The “just walk away” crowd has not faced a kid that won’t allow that

You say you dont engage, but then end up losing your temper and on film. I don't think youre actually "not engaging" at all, or at least not well.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

If the daughter is acting out using the phone (by filming mom), then it needs to be taken away. OP absolutely needs to work on the deeper issues with DD, but you don't just let the daughter keep the phone and keep harassing her mom with it. It doesn't have to be a punitive punishment as much as a logical consequence.

There are simply some teens, believe it or not, where boundaries & consequences have no effect. All you PPs who are smugly patting yourselves on the back for not having this problem in your teen - likely have a pretty easy teen.

OP: I’ve been in your shoes. It’s imperative that you stay calm and don’t take the bait. Look up the DBT Transactional Model - she’s not getting what she needs from the environment so she’s putting stress on the environment. There’s something beneath this. She needs emotional regulation skills, but those obviously are hard to teach when she’s escalated.

I wish I had magic to give you. For us - it was her relationship with her dad where needs weren’t being met, but she was taking it out on me as I was “safe”. There was also some sexual harassment happening at school. To get to where we could deal with those took me not losing my temper, ever, and working with her in the calmer moments. We did a round of comprehensive DBT which was almost more important for her dad than her - but it helped all of us recognize what was happening.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

I am a teacher and a parent to a teen with ADHD and mental health issues. And I’m willing to bet that most posters here have teens. That is why they are so incredulous about the situation. Because plenty of parents have teens with mental health issues and still impose boundaries. Of course, something deeper is going on, that doesn’t mean a child can be so disrespectful and terrible. Don’t you know boundaries make children feel safe? This child feels out of control and her behavior shows that.

Why do you engage with her until you lose it? Walk away, go to a different room, remain calm and tell her that you recognize she is upset and that a discussion at the moment wouldn't be productive. In a calm moment, have that discussion. People of any age need to recognize boundaries and when they've crossed the line.

You also need to figure out why your DD is so volatile. When my oldest was a senior in HS, he was very volatile and argumentative about the most reasonable things. His younger teen siblings couldn't understand why he'd go off the rails like he did. Turns out, he was vaping. When he stopped, he was a typical kid again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishments need to go into effect. Could it be puberty?

No, it’s 16 years worth of no-consequence parenting.

That's the current world growing up I got soap in my mouth or a belt across my butt. Not saying it was fair but I learned my lesson real quick. My mom didn't play.

We don’t do any of those things and my teens still understand consequences. OP’s daughter clearly does not.

Yes, this is a kid in crisis and you need professional help for yourself to get through this. I strongly encourage you to send her on an outdoor therapeutic trip like Outward Bound this summer, or to some kind of residential summer program that will be safe, structured, and have adults to coach her. Check with the therapist to be sure this is a good idea, but she needs a safe space to heal and the outdoors does that well.

It’s not personal, but you also don’t have to put up with this behavior. A professional can help you learn to manage her at home. This sounds awful for you both. Can the older kids give you respite?

OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishments need to go into effect. Could it be puberty?

No, it’s 16 years worth of no-consequence parenting.

That's the current world growing up I got soap in my mouth or a belt across my butt. Not saying it was fair but I learned my lesson real quick. My mom didn't play.

Anonymous wrote:Punishments need to go into effect. Could it be puberty?

No, it’s 16 years worth of no-consequence parenting.

Punishments need to go into effect. Could it be puberty?

1. Take her phone
2. Return it when she talks consistently in a non-hostile way, either shares what’s the problem or agrees to therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are her safe space. You need to learn to ignore.

It's true insofar as the tantrums, but some controls need to be in place. Home is safe space for mom too, sonse shouldn't have a camera in her face.

Absolutely agree mom shouldn’t have a camera in her face.