Anonymous
03/02/2024 12:13
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Is your ex, his dad a millionaire, and will cutting him off leave your son with no inheritance?
Anonymous
03/02/2024 11:17
Subject: Re:Seizing further contact after turning 18
OP, I had a similar father, without the added family court trauma. Cutting contact is a step but that alone will not free DS from the experience or process the feelings of grief, etc. from this being his dad's idea of "family behavior."
Some things that were life changing for me, resources for him now or later. It will impact him and his future formed family without some unpacking of the experience (what he had and also what he did not have). It also has carry over effects re: work, sense of self, etc. that the "cut off" does not in and of itself repair. Sometimes patterns like drinking can be repeated or unconsciously become workaholism or other unhealthy behaviors without working through the underlying feelings. Anger can be healthy but it typically covers a lot of vulnerable feelings. DS must have felt quite powerless with the threatened litigation at 14, coerced, aware of money as a weapon and wanting to protect himself and you without a way to do so, etc.
https://adultchildren.org/
Daily meditation (can sign up for free daily email) today's may resonate
https://adultchildren.org/meditation/
Also a fantastic resource for those who grew up in a chaotic family: https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/
Happy birthday to your DS. I hope this begins a happy, healthy and less stressed time for both of you.
Some things that were life changing for me, resources for him now or later. It will impact him and his future formed family without some unpacking of the experience (what he had and also what he did not have). It also has carry over effects re: work, sense of self, etc. that the "cut off" does not in and of itself repair. Sometimes patterns like drinking can be repeated or unconsciously become workaholism or other unhealthy behaviors without working through the underlying feelings. Anger can be healthy but it typically covers a lot of vulnerable feelings. DS must have felt quite powerless with the threatened litigation at 14, coerced, aware of money as a weapon and wanting to protect himself and you without a way to do so, etc.
https://adultchildren.org/
Daily meditation (can sign up for free daily email) today's may resonate
https://adultchildren.org/meditation/
March 02
Trait Three
"We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism." BRB p. 11
It's insidious - the abuse we experienced. For many of us, our caregivers didn't just get mad, they got angry and enraged. And it could be over something simple. Maybe we were out doing normal kid stuff, but because we had an angry parent waiting at home, we were never sure what to expect. We were repeatedly blindsided with accusations that said we were no good, selfish, irresponsible, uppity, or a whole host of other shaming language. Or maybe it happened to a sibling, which was just as bad because we knew it could be turned on us at any time.
Is it any wonder that as adults we almost visibly flinched when we were faced with angry people? We carried the fear of being criticized with us like a banner that said, "I'm an easy target. I won't even argue with you because I don't have a voice."
But as we start to find our voice in ACA, we begin to separate the anger from the words, and the words from reality. We do not deserve to be talked to ‘like that.' And we didn't deserve it as a child. We were innocent! And now, as we learn to reparent ourselves, we can tell our Inner Child that we will protect them when someone is angry or critical. We can do for ourselves what others should have done for us.
On this day I will remember that another person's anger is not mine. If I hear criticism, I can separate truth from fiction.
Also a fantastic resource for those who grew up in a chaotic family: https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/
Happy birthday to your DS. I hope this begins a happy, healthy and less stressed time for both of you.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 11:02
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Anonymous wrote:Good luck spending 20K on trying to get a restraining order. That's definitely not going to happen.
You attitude is piss poor. You shouldn't be celebrating this behavior. Just wait, he'll do the same to you. That's what happens when you teach kids that cutting off people is an acceptable solution.
Go away MRA troll bully.
Kid won't qualify for a restraining order, but they are free. Only an abuser thinks otherwise.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 11:02
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think you mean "ceasing".
Sorry, meant "ceasing". Stupid iPhone autocorrect
Siri didn’t do that…..
Anyway does he at least pay child support? My DH is getting fed up because his baby momma never has his kid ready and his kid ignores his texts/calls never wants to come over and spend time with him but only ever asks for money. When he turns it’s 18 his choice to be in contact or not but prior to it’s bad form to not have him visit his dad if there is no abuse situation. Of course if he cuts contact at 18 his choice but have him understand that’s emotionally and financially—like don’t ask a dad for money that you don’t bother to contact for anything else
(My DHs kid has another man’s name on their birth certificate and he wasn’t involved earlier on because she had a different father who tested out in court so he missed bonding time and the kid acts like DH is the deadbeat for suddenly trying to be there)
Anonymous
03/02/2024 11:00
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Good luck spending 20K on trying to get a restraining order. That's definitely not going to happen.
You attitude is piss poor. You shouldn't be celebrating this behavior. Just wait, he'll do the same to you. That's what happens when you teach kids that cutting off people is an acceptable solution.
You attitude is piss poor. You shouldn't be celebrating this behavior. Just wait, he'll do the same to you. That's what happens when you teach kids that cutting off people is an acceptable solution.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:56
Subject: Re:Seizing further contact after turning 18
OP, what did you mean by this?
I agree to shift the topic of the party, it is likely to make people uncomfortable and unless they come from divorced homes with compelled contact they won't get it.
ExDH family blame DS for pretty much everything and are forcing communication and interactions.
I agree to shift the topic of the party, it is likely to make people uncomfortable and unless they come from divorced homes with compelled contact they won't get it.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:37
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Good for the kid to escape the abusive POSs and never see them again.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:35
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Good for him. He’s 18 and imo is acting very maturely about the situation. No drama. Good riddance to dad.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:35
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Anonymous wrote:Why would there be a legal repercussion for an adult not wanting to talk to a parent?
I don't even understand the question. What do you think could happen?
I think people are missing the fact that the feelings arise from compelled compact by the family court system and now DS wants to turn the tables. It's more about feelings arising from that experience imo.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:31
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
OP, have you posted about this before?
I agree it is fine to go no contact but the degree of focus merits further therapy for DS's well being. He needs to be confident in setting boundaries, blocking, etc. The situation is not one that merits a restraining order but it speaks to how overwhelmed and in a sense powerless DS still feels. You both have been somewhat traumatized by the family court process, it seems, there are no legal consequences except he will likely be disinherited. That ties into the idea of an order, flipping the legal system to weaponize it. The trauma is not going to be fixed by no contact, you both need targeted help to address it.
I'd acknowledge his feelings but shift the party topic to something more positive and future focused, adulthood.
I agree it is fine to go no contact but the degree of focus merits further therapy for DS's well being. He needs to be confident in setting boundaries, blocking, etc. The situation is not one that merits a restraining order but it speaks to how overwhelmed and in a sense powerless DS still feels. You both have been somewhat traumatized by the family court process, it seems, there are no legal consequences except he will likely be disinherited. That ties into the idea of an order, flipping the legal system to weaponize it. The trauma is not going to be fixed by no contact, you both need targeted help to address it.
I'd acknowledge his feelings but shift the party topic to something more positive and future focused, adulthood.
Anonymous
03/02/2024 10:20
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Anonymous wrote:I would discourage the party theme but otherwise I see no issues with this. Your son as an adult can choose not to see his father/paternal family if he wants to.
This. I would not do the party theme, but I would be supportive of him. I think he is legally free now as long as he doesn't expect finances from dad.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:20
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
Anonymous wrote:Depends on where you are. Legally, child support and custody arrangements don't actually end on the 18th birthday in some states. In Virginia, for example, they don't end until 19 or graduation from HS, whichever comes first.
Otherwise I don't think there's much you can do. The kid has to make his own choices. He may come to regret them someday. Or he may be doing the right thing. All you can do is try to encourage he keep an open line for a relationship and stay out of it.
None of those arrangements can legally require the adult son to interact with him. The divorce, college payment and child support payment agreement may go past 18 but it doesn’t require the adult child to go see or talk with his father.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 14:35
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
He can just block his father's phone number and block him and all relatives on social media.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 11:06
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
18 OP is an ADULT
Respect your son.
Why in the world would you have contact with your EX after that as well.
Respect your son.
Why in the world would you have contact with your EX after that as well.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 11:03
Subject: Seizing further contact after turning 18
I understand where you're coming from. My son is counting down the days until he is no longer required to see his dad, maybe like you I've also been careful not to say anything negative about his father. It's clear that adding negativity to a difficult situation would only make it worse. I'm happy for your son that he doesn't have to go through this anymore, and I hope he can let the anger and resentment go and move on with his life without his father.