Anonymous wrote:Am I a jerk for getting annoyed that FIL orders two entrees, an appetizer, and a dessert every time we pay the restaurant bill?

My husband and I are both feds and make a nice living but live pretty frugally since we have two kids with lots of expenses. Every time we visit our father in law who lives across the country or when he visits here, FIL insists we pay for everything. I find this annoying because FIL is wealthy (my husband has seen his financial records) and he brags about things like never flying economy when he visits Europe (which happens at least once a year).

FIL rarely pays for anything, ever except maybe the occasional fast food lunch where won’t let the kids order happy meals because they’re “too expensive”. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. I have never seen anyone order two entrees at once. Is this normal? No he’s not fat, just chubby.

Anonymous wrote:Am I a jerk for getting annoyed that FIL orders two entrees, an appetizer, and a dessert every time we pay the restaurant bill?

My husband and I are both feds and make a nice living but live pretty frugally since we have two kids with lots of expenses. Every time we visit our father in law who lives across the country or when he visits here, FIL insists we pay for everything. I find this annoying because FIL is wealthy (my husband has seen his financial records) and he brags about things like never flying economy when he visits Europe (which happens at least once a year).

FIL rarely pays for anything, ever except maybe the occasional fast food lunch where won’t let the kids order happy meals because they’re “too expensive”. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. I have never seen anyone order two entrees at once. Is this normal? No he’s not fat, just chubby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, I've been through this so many times. My DH and I always pay when out with his two sisters and their families. The big expensive dinner we end up paying for on the regular is Christmas Eve in a restaurant. SIL #1 and her young adult daughter and young adult son, and SIL #2 and her DH and two teenage sons and they often bring a friend of the teen sons along (which I thought was weird, but whatever). We are also feds, but have more money than my SILs. Well, more money than one of them anyway. The truth is, it's fair that we always pay for this meal because the SILs have Christmas and Thanksgiving at their homes, and we hae never hosted because we are in a smallish apartment and they have houses. Also, you all know how this labor falls on the women of a family, and this dynamic was in place before I came along and hell if I was going to start cooking huge holiday meals for DH's family and DH can't cook anything beyond chicken nuggets in the air fryer. So ... Christmas Eve is always in a restaurant and we pay. We meet in restaurants a couple of other times per year as well, sometimes for birthdays, etc., or on their mother's birthday (she passed before I met him) and DH and I always pay.

So...the annoying part. SIL #2, or, more precisely her DH and teenage sons, order everything under the sun. The DH starts with a manhattan cocktail of all things, then he and his sons order like 5 appetizers which are presumably for the table but they choose them with no input and they eat them up. Then the DH and the teenage boys without fail order one of the top most expensive items on the menu. Every damn time. Then, when everyone is over it and ready to go home and the server is going to bring the check, one of the teenage boys always asks for dessert and coffee. And we all have to sit there and watch him eat it, which adds 20 damn minutes on when we were dying to get out of there.

But here's the cake topper. When SIL #2's DH doesn't come, which is about half the time, she orders him an entire meal, appetizers and all, to go -- on our dime. It's always filet mignon. This annoys the hell out of me.

Can we afford all of this? Yes. Does it annoy me? Yes. Not because of the money, but because it is antithetical to how I was brought up. So I'm projecting my WASPy values onto them and getting pissed off. But I can't help it. I might have less vitriol over this if the teenage boys weren't clearly stoned out of their minds and acting weird every single damn time.

op here. This would make me crazy as well. Sure we can afford it all. Sure it’s fine. He’s a sad old man who won’t stop bragging about his stock portfolio and first class travel, and your possibly high nephews and friend of nephews are all driving us nuts. It’s the principle of it all and my WASPy values just drives me into a shame spiral where I’m secondhand ashamed of their rudeness and at the same time ashamed of my less than charitable feelings. Just know next year that there is another lady in the DC area that’s gritting her teeth as well.

Anonymous wrote:Lol, I've been through this so many times. My DH and I always pay when out with his two sisters and their families. The big expensive dinner we end up paying for on the regular is Christmas Eve in a restaurant. SIL #1 and her young adult daughter and young adult son, and SIL #2 and her DH and two teenage sons and they often bring a friend of the teen sons along (which I thought was weird, but whatever). We are also feds, but have more money than my SILs. Well, more money than one of them anyway. The truth is, it's fair that we always pay for this meal because the SILs have Christmas and Thanksgiving at their homes, and we hae never hosted because we are in a smallish apartment and they have houses. Also, you all know how this labor falls on the women of a family, and this dynamic was in place before I came along and hell if I was going to start cooking huge holiday meals for DH's family and DH can't cook anything beyond chicken nuggets in the air fryer. So ... Christmas Eve is always in a restaurant and we pay. We meet in restaurants a couple of other times per year as well, sometimes for birthdays, etc., or on their mother's birthday (she passed before I met him) and DH and I always pay.

So...the annoying part. SIL #2, or, more precisely her DH and teenage sons, order everything under the sun. The DH starts with a manhattan cocktail of all things, then he and his sons order like 5 appetizers which are presumably for the table but they choose them with no input and they eat them up. Then the DH and the teenage boys without fail order one of the top most expensive items on the menu. Every damn time. Then, when everyone is over it and ready to go home and the server is going to bring the check, one of the teenage boys always asks for dessert and coffee. And we all have to sit there and watch him eat it, which adds 20 damn minutes on when we were dying to get out of there.

But here's the cake topper. When SIL #2's DH doesn't come, which is about half the time, she orders him an entire meal, appetizers and all, to go -- on our dime. It's always filet mignon. This annoys the hell out of me.

Can we afford all of this? Yes. Does it annoy me? Yes. Not because of the money, but because it is antithetical to how I was brought up. So I'm projecting my WASPy values onto them and getting pissed off. But I can't help it. I might have less vitriol over this if the teenage boys weren't clearly stoned out of their minds and acting weird every single damn time.

Anonymous wrote:If he eats everything I’d let him order what he wants. If he doesn’t eat everything I’d give him lip about his eyes being bigger than his stomach.

My wealthy FIL took us out to eat for DD’s graduation years ago. The graduation girl ordered a steak, which was either the most expensive or nearly most expensive thing on the menu. But not way over other other entrees, which we all got. This was not a fancy steakhouse. Anyway, we still hear about how she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu almost every time we talk to him. He chastised her saying she should never do that on a date or she’ll get dumped. DD will never live it down, and it’s our family joke now.

So if he orders the most expensive things on the menu, you should bring it up forever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's rude but some rich people want constant proof that people aren't after their money. Making you treat, and ordering a bizarre amount of food, while bragging about first class international flights - it all seems like a test to me.

I'd let DH say something if something has to be said, but I'd probably just suck it up. Not because he's not rude (yes, of course he is) but because it's infrequent. He lives across the country; call it a quirk and decide not to be bothered.

Op here. This is really interesting. I never thought about it as a test. We expect to inherit absolutely nothing given the longevity in DH’s family. Furthermore, we are comfortable and just fine on our two fed salaries and don’t need anything really. I admit it would be great to fly first class but as long as I can afford to go on trips I’m ok being wedged into economy.

I am inclined to suck it up too. My FIL does not have a lot of joy in his life sadly, and if eating the pasta and the chicken makes him happy, fine I guess. I do silently feel annoyed though. I have to admit once the waiter returned when FIL was in the bathroom and just wanted to confirm FIL ordered two entrees. I canceled the second entree. I lived off that small victory for the remainder of his time at my house.

great move. What did he say???

Also, what does DH say about his father doing this to you guys? Does he just suck it up and pick up the check every time without a word?

Does FIL eat 2 entrees, or bring one home to eat as a lunch at your house?

No he eats his entire appetizer by himself, then slowly eats each entree side by side. Like one bite from his pizza and one bite from his pasta. Then he will make a big fuss about how he’s too full for dessert but since it’s a special occasion he’ll get some. What really annoys me is that we don’t let our kids have dessert regularly or order personal appetizers, but it feels weird to say no when FIL happily orders some. Once I had a whole debate with my oldest about how I would not let him order something called a “monster sundae”. When the waiter came back, he reluctantly ordered a small scoop of ice cream as did his sibling. Guess what father in law ordered? The monster sundae. I couldn’t believe it when he sat there and ate every bite in front of my son without offering him a taste or anything. And of course when the bill came, we paid because FIL hid in the bathroom.

DH is just as annoyed as I am about it. He silently seethed the whole way home from the restaurant. He brings it up about once every few weeks and then of course feels bad about it because as I said before FIL is a lonely old man. My husband’s family dynamic growing up was one where you didn’t question your parents choices. So I understand why he hasn’t called him out on it. But it also realllllllllllly annoys me.

As for the one time when I happily canceled the second entree, FIL asked the waiter about it right away. I told him that I didn’t realize he wanted TWO entrees since the restaurant was so expensive and it would set a bad example for the kids. He looked utterly wounded (this filled me with happiness) and said he was just “thinking of them” and had “ordered it for the table”.

That’s mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's rude but some rich people want constant proof that people aren't after their money. Making you treat, and ordering a bizarre amount of food, while bragging about first class international flights - it all seems like a test to me.

I'd let DH say something if something has to be said, but I'd probably just suck it up. Not because he's not rude (yes, of course he is) but because it's infrequent. He lives across the country; call it a quirk and decide not to be bothered.

Op here. This is really interesting. I never thought about it as a test. We expect to inherit absolutely nothing given the longevity in DH’s family. Furthermore, we are comfortable and just fine on our two fed salaries and don’t need anything really. I admit it would be great to fly first class but as long as I can afford to go on trips I’m ok being wedged into economy.

I am inclined to suck it up too. My FIL does not have a lot of joy in his life sadly, and if eating the pasta and the chicken makes him happy, fine I guess. I do silently feel annoyed though. I have to admit once the waiter returned when FIL was in the bathroom and just wanted to confirm FIL ordered two entrees. I canceled the second entree. I lived off that small victory for the remainder of his time at my house.

great move. What did he say???

Also, what does DH say about his father doing this to you guys? Does he just suck it up and pick up the check every time without a word?

Does FIL eat 2 entrees, or bring one home to eat as a lunch at your house?

No he eats his entire appetizer by himself, then slowly eats each entree side by side. Like one bite from his pizza and one bite from his pasta. Then he will make a big fuss about how he’s too full for dessert but since it’s a special occasion he’ll get some. What really annoys me is that we don’t let our kids have dessert regularly or order personal appetizers, but it feels weird to say no when FIL happily orders some. Once I had a whole debate with my oldest about how I would not let him order something called a “monster sundae”. When the waiter came back, he reluctantly ordered a small scoop of ice cream as did his sibling. Guess what father in law ordered? The monster sundae. I couldn’t believe it when he sat there and ate every bite in front of my son without offering him a taste or anything. And of course when the bill came, we paid because FIL hid in the bathroom.

DH is just as annoyed as I am about it. He silently seethed the whole way home from the restaurant. He brings it up about once every few weeks and then of course feels bad about it because as I said before FIL is a lonely old man. My husband’s family dynamic growing up was one where you didn’t question your parents choices. So I understand why he hasn’t called him out on it. But it also realllllllllllly annoys me.

As for the one time when I happily canceled the second entree, FIL asked the waiter about it right away. I told him that I didn’t realize he wanted TWO entrees since the restaurant was so expensive and it would set a bad example for the kids. He looked utterly wounded (this filled me with happiness) and said he was just “thinking of them” and had “ordered it for the table”.