Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:47
Subject: Re:At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
My two teens met my BF before I did as they were caddies at his golf club. He was always very helpful and generous with them and they told him about me and that I had been divorced for a couple of years. I picked the boys up one day and met him and we started dating without them knowing it. It was about six months later that I told them and they weren't surprised. Until we are both empty nesters we'll just continue dating given blended family and custody confusion isn't very appealing to us. Prior to meeting him I'd had a couple of relationships but they never met my sons.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:47
Subject: Re:At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
I mean my father introduced me to his AP as a teen. I was cool about it though, as I hated my step mother and knew he wanted a divorce (she cheated first and was abusive)
It's all subjective.
It's all subjective.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:39
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.
I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.
Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.
I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.
I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.
Eye roll. You definitely can have too much change in a short period of time. And you definitely can have too many people foisted into your home when you don't want them there. Call that love if you want, I call it annoying.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:38
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.
I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.
Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.
I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.
I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.
I’m of the belief that your kids don’t need too many people to love them. They need you to love them; they don’t need their mother to have a boyfriend to love them.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:30
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.
I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.
Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.
I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.
I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.
So you are a single mom?
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:29
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!
And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".
It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.
Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.
I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.
Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.
Don’t rotate people through your life.
Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.
Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.
Lol because they aren’t even divorced yet. 1st and only… you can’t promise that…. Plus add dad’s girlfriends, that’s multiple people.
Of course she thinks they will live happily ever after but I doubt it and I doubt he agrees. If it’s serious get engaged.
Really, would you get engaged to be married to someone whose children you have never met?
Absolutely… I’d question a dude who is introducing women to his kids without the intention of marriage.
You have every other weekend to see each other.
Then do a year engagement to make sure your kids can handle being around them,
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:29
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.
I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.
My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.
And if I were the kids, I would tell him to kick rocks.
+1000
A "BF" has zero place "on the team."
I’m married and I haven’t been a teen for a long time. Still, I can’t remember a single person who was happy about having to deal with their mom or dad’s dating life when they were in high school.
If you care about your kids, go see your boyfriend when they’re with their dad. I promise you, no kid wants mom’s boyfriend helping with algebra homework or dad’s girlfriend driving to cheer practice.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:26
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
OP, DCUM hates dating moms. You’re not going to get a realistic answer on this.
I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.
Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.
I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.
I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.
I’d say as soon as you think the kids are comfortable knowing you’re dating. I’d mention that first in a theoretical way, like “how would you feel if Mom had a boyfriend?” and talk about that first.
Your kids are teens with their own lives but still need a stable adult and a role model. So how you act in your relationship is setting them up to see how relationships should be.
I’m 41 and dating and the only way I could spend time with my boyfriend on the weekends was to introduce them. I also wanted to see how he was around them. My kids adore him. I am clear that he has his own place, that I still put my kids first, and we have a very healthy relationship - no fighting and we both go to therapy. I am very stable and don’t drag the kids around to boyfriend’s things, it’s the other way around where boyfriend does family things with me and the kids.
I’m of the belief you can’t have too many people love your kids.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:25
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!
And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".
It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.
Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.
I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.
Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.
Don’t rotate people through your life.
Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.
Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.
Lol because they aren’t even divorced yet. 1st and only… you can’t promise that…. Plus add dad’s girlfriends, that’s multiple people.
Of course she thinks they will live happily ever after but I doubt it and I doubt he agrees. If it’s serious get engaged.
Really, would you get engaged to be married to someone whose children you have never met?
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:23
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!
And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".
It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.
Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.
I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.
Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.
Don’t rotate people through your life.
Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.
Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.
Lol because they aren’t even divorced yet. 1st and only… you can’t promise that…. Plus add dad’s girlfriends, that’s multiple people.
Of course she thinks they will live happily ever after but I doubt it and I doubt he agrees. If it’s serious get engaged.
Ummm how about if it’s serious, get divorced from the other guy first!
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:22
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.
I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.
My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.
And if I were the kids, I would tell him to kick rocks.
+1000
A "BF" has zero place "on the team."
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:21
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Gross.
Not a second before your divorce is final.
Not a second before your divorce is final.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:18
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Not until you are divorced, and you should be seeing the person for a minimum of six months, maybe longer, with the mutual intention of going forward in a permanent way.
Otherwise, don't be bringing people into your kids' lives. Just don't do it.
--ask me how I know
Otherwise, don't be bringing people into your kids' lives. Just don't do it.
--ask me how I know
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:09
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Unless BF wants to be a dad to your kids, wait until your kids go to college.
I don't know what to say...your kids are teenagers and almost out of the house, and I would have no interest in being their father.
My kids have a dad. But BF is definitely interested in being "on the team," helping with logistics, homework, similar pastimes, and eventually combining households.
And if I were the kids, I would tell him to kick rocks.
Exactly… my kids are forced to be around boyfriends/girlfriends when visiting friends homes and it always odd/weird/bizarre.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:08
Subject: At what point would you introduce serious BF to kids?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Not until you're divorced FFS!
And the boyfriend has to actually be divorced too. 100% divorced. Not "separated".
It really depends on the circumstances, but I see very little benefit to introducing. Are you planning to insert this person into their home lives and make them spend time with this person? Expect pushback.
Why? Unless you were a total jerk to their other parent, most teenagers can understand that relationships end, and new ones start.
I'd want to be sure my kids had time to process the split, but once it's done, it's done. Expecting your parents to not move on is unhealthy in and of itself.
Feel free to move on but don’t expect them to live with your boyfriend. Just like you don’t want your child’s boyfriend shacking up at your house.
Don’t rotate people through your life.
Nobody wants a new dude in their life. You are welcome to have one but children don’t want to be around them.
Why are you assuming a rotation? OP said this is the first and only person they would be meeting, and it sounds like "serious" here means the BF/GF is interested in participating in all aspects of their joint lives.
Lol because they aren’t even divorced yet. 1st and only… you can’t promise that…. Plus add dad’s girlfriends, that’s multiple people.
Of course she thinks they will live happily ever after but I doubt it and I doubt he agrees. If it’s serious get engaged.