Anonymous
02/26/2024 15:14
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:This seems like a clear “no” to me
+1
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:24
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Op here. In a way, I actually think the SN makes me want another child more. We obviously have more challenges than a family raising two NT children. I hope my adhd child will be okay with time, intervention and maturity, and that his condition will be manageable to him as an adult. But in the case that it was (god forbid) always an issue, or in the event that a family has a child with more profound special needs, I am nervous about putting that experience on a lone sibling both growing up and in adulthood.
I had two close friends with very autistic siblings growing up and I know that, as an adult, there’s a particularly large burden on the one who has no other siblings. Of course it’s rolling the dice that the third child won’t be afflicted with profound special needs. I know it’s a difficult factor to consider, and I wish I didn’t have to think about this, but here we are.
It’s not the main reason I want a third child, but given the family I have, it’s become an unexpected consideration.
I’m not judging my husband for preferring to stop, but just not sure how to make this decision well- balancing my desires and his along with with what I think might be better for our family in the long run.
What if your new baby also turns out to have special needs?
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:23
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I would stop since you already have one special needs child. What if your next child also has needs?
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:13
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Op here. In a way, I actually think the SN makes me want another child more. We obviously have more challenges than a family raising two NT children. I hope my adhd child will be okay with time, intervention and maturity, and that his condition will be manageable to him as an adult. But in the case that it was (god forbid) always an issue, or in the event that a family has a child with more profound special needs, I am nervous about putting that experience on a lone sibling both growing up and in adulthood.
I had two close friends with very autistic siblings growing up and I know that, as an adult, there’s a particularly large burden on the one who has no other siblings. Of course it’s rolling the dice that the third child won’t be afflicted with profound special needs. I know it’s a difficult factor to consider, and I wish I didn’t have to think about this, but here we are.
It’s not the main reason I want a third child, but given the family I have, it’s become an unexpected consideration.
I’m not judging my husband for preferring to stop, but just not sure how to make this decision well- balancing my desires and his along with with what I think might be better for our family in the long run.
I am the PP immediately above this post who said I was in a similar situation and don't regret not having the third. I was concerned about this a lot and still am some days. But at the end of the day, I was nervous to potentially have another SN situation that is more serious. And the fact that my son's got some SN doesn't change my reasons I am glad we stuck at 2; in fact, it enhances them: more money for private therapy, more time, more mental and emotional bandwidth. But everyone's choices are different!!! Wishing you peace with whatever decision you come to.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:08
Subject: Re:Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I'd spend less time thinking about how your kids will interact with each other, none of which you have any control over and is all hypothetical, and more thinking about what kind of parent you and your DH will be and want to be. What is going to allow you, your DH, and your marriage to thrive and be the best versions of yourself that you can be. Could be 1 kid, could be 10 kids.
Having kids for other kids in the family is not a good reason.
Having kids for other kids in the family is not a good reason.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:08
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Op here. In a way, I actually think the SN makes me want another child more. We obviously have more challenges than a family raising two NT children. I hope my adhd child will be okay with time, intervention and maturity, and that his condition will be manageable to him as an adult. But in the case that it was (god forbid) always an issue, or in the event that a family has a child with more profound special needs, I am nervous about putting that experience on a lone sibling both growing up and in adulthood.
I had two close friends with very autistic siblings growing up and I know that, as an adult, there’s a particularly large burden on the one who has no other siblings. Of course it’s rolling the dice that the third child won’t be afflicted with profound special needs. I know it’s a difficult factor to consider, and I wish I didn’t have to think about this, but here we are.
It’s not the main reason I want a third child, but given the family I have, it’s become an unexpected consideration.
I’m not judging my husband for preferring to stop, but just not sure how to make this decision well- balancing my desires and his along with with what I think might be better for our family in the long run.
We have seen it the other way. Couple has another child and last child has SN. A SN child must be hard for any family but when one parent was on the fence, that spouse may feel extra resentment.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:04
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Op here. In a way, I actually think the SN makes me want another child more. We obviously have more challenges than a family raising two NT children. I hope my adhd child will be okay with time, intervention and maturity, and that his condition will be manageable to him as an adult. But in the case that it was (god forbid) always an issue, or in the event that a family has a child with more profound special needs, I am nervous about putting that experience on a lone sibling both growing up and in adulthood.
I had two close friends with very autistic siblings growing up and I know that, as an adult, there’s a particularly large burden on the one who has no other siblings. Of course it’s rolling the dice that the third child won’t be afflicted with profound special needs. I know it’s a difficult factor to consider, and I wish I didn’t have to think about this, but here we are.
It’s not the main reason I want a third child, but given the family I have, it’s become an unexpected consideration.
I’m not judging my husband for preferring to stop, but just not sure how to make this decision well- balancing my desires and his along with with what I think might be better for our family in the long run.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 13:03
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I was in a similar situation and we did not have the third. One of each, my son (2) has mild SN, we could afford it.
Now that they are school age, I am so glad we didn't. I don't think we would be able to adequately juggle their activities and school commitments without once of us stepping way back at work, which we couldn't do if we wanted to afford said kids. Also, my DS's SN have required more support as he has gotten older as far as presence during the day - think appointments, volunteering at school to see what is really going on, etc. Traveling as a family of four is easier. And my kids mostly play well together with no one left out. Particularly if we had had another girl, my neurodivergent DS would be very left out, I think.
I am one of three and always thought I would have three but honestly that dynamic wasn't great. I was the only girl and I felt very left out of my family from age 9-17 or so. It got better and some was normal teen stuff, I am sure but the three-kid dynamic didn't help.
Now that they are school age, I am so glad we didn't. I don't think we would be able to adequately juggle their activities and school commitments without once of us stepping way back at work, which we couldn't do if we wanted to afford said kids. Also, my DS's SN have required more support as he has gotten older as far as presence during the day - think appointments, volunteering at school to see what is really going on, etc. Traveling as a family of four is easier. And my kids mostly play well together with no one left out. Particularly if we had had another girl, my neurodivergent DS would be very left out, I think.
I am one of three and always thought I would have three but honestly that dynamic wasn't great. I was the only girl and I felt very left out of my family from age 9-17 or so. It got better and some was normal teen stuff, I am sure but the three-kid dynamic didn't help.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:57
Subject: Re:Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I will add to this conversation that older kids are so much more emotionally exhausting and logistics in some ways become more challenging in the 10-16 years (before they can drive but when they're starting to have more activities and interests you will likely want to support0. Sure they are physically independent but the types of issues that can come up are a lot more complex and challenging to handle.
I am so grateful I had only 2. I feel like more than that and the tween/teen years, I wouldn't have been a great parent to more than 2 kids.
I am so grateful I had only 2. I feel like more than that and the tween/teen years, I wouldn't have been a great parent to more than 2 kids.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:44
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I had two boys and wanted a third. DH thought two was enough. I wanted to go for the girl and he said no. I asked for another year and he eventually said we could try. I didn’t exactly twist his arm to have sex and we got pregnant and had our girl.
I think most families have one parent who wants more and one parent who doesn’t. It comes down to how much one party wants another and how much one party doesn’t.
I think most families have one parent who wants more and one parent who doesn’t. It comes down to how much one party wants another and how much one party doesn’t.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:43
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Anonymous wrote:I’m the youngest of three and generally not a fan of the three sibling dynamic. It can lead to a two vs one dynamic and unfortunately I’m usually the one.
I’m oldest of three and agree. Two were/are always fighting. Travel as a family of 5 is annoying because hotels are set up for four people in a room. As the oldest, I was always made to sleep on the floor because my parents wouldn’t spring for a larger room or roll away. And we traveled a LOT!
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:41
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
In your shoes yes, I would go for it. My answer wouldnt necessarily be the same if you didn’t already have the embryos but you do.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:35
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I would have said, "yes' but you mentioned SN. So, no. No more.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:32
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
I was in a similar situation except I wouldn’t necessarily say DH didn’t want a third. It was more that he felt happy and complete with 2, but he would also be ok with a third. He acknowledged the fact that it would be me having to go through another pregnancy/birth/nursing, so left it up to me if I was willing to do that again.
We ended up having our third and he is so happy we did. She is our only girl and he has such a sweet bond with her.
Our first 2 were school aged so it was hard going through the baby stage again, but not as hard as I expected. I think because I have more perspective now about how fast it all goes. My first is about to turn 10 and it’s just going at warp speed. He is already wanting to spend more time with friends and becoming more independent. In a way it’s nice to still have a sweet snuggly toddler.
And all the things you worried about during when your first two were little doesn’t seem such a big deal the third go round. I ended up nursing for 6 months, but also knew formula would be fine. I didn’t fret over every single milestone. If we get a bad night of sleep due to teething, I know this shall pass.
If your DH is open to it, I say go for it.
We ended up having our third and he is so happy we did. She is our only girl and he has such a sweet bond with her.
Our first 2 were school aged so it was hard going through the baby stage again, but not as hard as I expected. I think because I have more perspective now about how fast it all goes. My first is about to turn 10 and it’s just going at warp speed. He is already wanting to spend more time with friends and becoming more independent. In a way it’s nice to still have a sweet snuggly toddler.
And all the things you worried about during when your first two were little doesn’t seem such a big deal the third go round. I ended up nursing for 6 months, but also knew formula would be fine. I didn’t fret over every single milestone. If we get a bad night of sleep due to teething, I know this shall pass.
If your DH is open to it, I say go for it.
Anonymous
02/26/2024 12:11
Subject: Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to
Pushing someone who doesnt want to have another kid into having another kid is just going to breed resentment.
This kid isnt even born and is already a burden.
This kid isnt even born and is already a burden.