Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extract the lessons and let it go. Stewing over it now is not serving you. You made a mistake. You now know better. Move on. No one should be thanking you.

+1
You made a crappy decision and want to blame someone else for it. No one owes you a thank you.

+1 No one plans a wedding thinking about every invitee's finances. I would describe this as normal as opposed to inconsiderate, which is how you seem to feel. If you couldn't go, you should have said so.

My family of origin is like that—they’ll grudgingly agree and then complain about it passive aggressively. No one forced you to go.

Anonymous wrote:An invitation is not a summons. Your resentment is misplaced. Why are you blaming someone else for a choice you made?

Not OP, but in some families it is a summons and there is hell to pay when you decline. I took the other route and had boundaries. it was the best choice for us, we have no debt and the people who were pissed off and harbored a grudge (one to this day) showed their true colors, but it was not easy upsetting people. I am glad we had boundaries, but it was tough in my 20s to decide we would live within our means and not get sucked into the huge money blow of weddings unless we were very close and they were kind enough to consider the fact not everyone they invited had massive amounts of money to spend. We eloped and had a party months later. No pressure to come and many friends and family were in town. If you chose to come from out of town, we provided dinner the night before and the hotel offered free breakfast and an insanely good discount rate for rooms. We provided a snack gift basket in your hotel room with fruit, muffins, seeds or nuts, etc. Attending the party was the gift, no gifts expected. None of my friends had to buy some hideous dress to wear down an aisle and make me look good. I'm all about budget friendly because I was so stressed about money then too.

You need to think of this any time you struggle to set boundaries. You either disappoint someone else or feel resentment. You now see the resentment can last many years.

I would recognize it as a learning opportunity and use this when your own children are faced with something similar

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people are recommending therapy for this! It is in the past. You made a decision, that in retrospect, may not have been the best for you at that time. If this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, please consider yourself lucky.
You did not owe it to them to attend their wedding. Or perhaps you could’ve gone but done it a little cheaper and that would have been better in the long run. But other than a thank you to all who traveled to their destination wedding, they don’t owe you anything either.Just. Move. On.

I think people are recommending therapy b/c 20 years of bitterness is an outsized reaction to a choice the OP and her spouse made. I would assume that in 20 years at some point "move on" crossed her mind in some form or fashion. And honestly if this is demonstrative of her ability to misascribe fault and carry bitterness towards others for her own choices, chances are she does this over other issues and in other relationships as well.