Anonymous wrote:I think the fact my mother takes on this sweet, gentle persona with everyone else reveals she is hiding her ugly true self. I feel like saying to her when she goes to her big $1,000 dollar charity dinners, I hope the teenagers behave or else you’ll hold them down and pour beer in their mouths like you did to my brother when he was 16 and hid booze you found. Oh, and it didn’t work, he still drinks.

+1. I hate the fact that people think my parents are so sweet, so great, such good grandparents. I know the truth. I know the ugly truth. I know they are capable of beating children, screaming at them every day, deliberately “losing” them for an hour in an amusement park to teach them a lesson, deliberately ruining birthday plans for literally no reason, kicking them out of cars to walk home, laughing at their pain over the loss of a pet.

I think the fact my mother takes on this sweet, gentle persona with everyone else reveals she is hiding her ugly true self. I feel like saying to her when she goes to her big $1,000 dollar charity dinners, I hope the teenagers behave or else you’ll hold them down and pour beer in their mouths like you did to my brother when he was 16 and hid booze you found. Oh, and it didn’t work, he still drinks.

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

If yours weren’t abusive then you have nothing to add to this thread. You don’t understand.

My father asked for forgiveness on his death bed. Literally. But I honestly think this was more because he didn’t want to go to hell than because he was sorry that he hurt us - if that makes sense. The apology was for him not us.

My parents rewrote history and claimed that they never hit us. I am not angry at them anymore, it was occasionally and at that time it was “acceptable”.

My DH experienced emotional and physical abuse and he even has marks in his body as a result. When he confronted his mother about it (I was there) she said that she was not a bad parent to him that she was bad with his sister, but not him. I just couldn’t believe how she forgot all the abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

When I became a parent, I realized how bad and toxic my parents were and still are.

Same. OP here. This is it for me. I was “fine” until my kids reached the age where I can remember being harshly “disciplined,” ignored, laughed at, diminished, etc. The big moment for me lately that has caused me so much pain is that my youngest daughter needs eye drops for pink eye, and it’s been quite the process to get the drops in her eye. We’ve talked it through, I’ve been patient and caring, and we’ve worked out a system. There was a second me almost hovering over me during this loving, patient process, realizing that my eyes would have been forced open while I was held down. And there would have been tons of screaming.

This is exactly it, PP, the longer I’ve been a parent, the more I realize what was wrong when I was a kid. It’s hard.

Me three. When I look back at the photos of myself from childhood, and look at my own children, I cannot fathom how my mom could have abused and neglected her children like she did. I can't imagine screaming at them for getting hurt, calling them fat, never giving them proper meals, letting them live in a home with cat feces on the floor, etc.

I do know that my mom tried. I understand better how difficult having kids is. As I have gotten older and more distanced from her, and really understood how bad her mental illness is, I can give her a lot more grace and my anger is gone. But she's no longer being toxic toward me and that sure helps.

My mom gave me the best I could have asked for from hers. She said, "I know I was a bad mom and failed you guys, and I am really sorry."

For years before that her response to comments about our childhoods were: "well your dad never helped," "you try raising five kids and let's see how well you do," and "at least I did better than my parents." Honestly I have to give her a lot of credit for that last one; the stories she and my aunt have of their childhood are absolutely horrific.

But yeah, after some time I think she was able to acknowledge that she failed in a lot of ways. It showed me that she cared about me and how I felt and the pain I carried. Our relationship is much better now.

Oddly, my dad's lack of an apology hurts a lot even though he wasn't abusive. He heavily criticized his first five kids for not being well-behaved and said that thinking about how hard the past was is a disease. How you can expect kids who have been through such extreme trauma to have no behavioral issues is beyond me. He's a little dense. But I still love him.

Anonymous wrote:Your parents did right by you minus the driving drunk of course. This new generation is going to be destroyed. We , the kids who got beaten and screamed at are the greatest generation. Yet somehow we have decided to parent different and not yell or hit or shame. It’s like we turned our backs and want an apology for what made us great to begin with. If you spare the rod you spoil the child and that’s a sin .

Screw off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

When I became a parent, I realized how bad and toxic my parents were and still are.

Same. OP here. This is it for me. I was “fine” until my kids reached the age where I can remember being harshly “disciplined,” ignored, laughed at, diminished, etc. The big moment for me lately that has caused me so much pain is that my youngest daughter needs eye drops for pink eye, and it’s been quite the process to get the drops in her eye. We’ve talked it through, I’ve been patient and caring, and we’ve worked out a system. There was a second me almost hovering over me during this loving, patient process, realizing that my eyes would have been forced open while I was held down. And there would have been tons of screaming.

This is exactly it, PP, the longer I’ve been a parent, the more I realize what was wrong when I was a kid. It’s hard.

Anonymous wrote:Your parents did right by you minus the driving drunk of course. This new generation is going to be destroyed. We , the kids who got beaten and screamed at are the greatest generation. Yet somehow we have decided to parent different and not yell or hit or shame. It’s like we turned our backs and want an apology for what made us great to begin with. If you spare the rod you spoil the child and that’s a sin .

the rod is the word of god, not a tool to beat your kids with. spare the rod means if you don't teach your kid abut god, they'll go bad (spoil) and not find their way to heaven. Christ loves children and I guarantee would not approve of abusing them.

Anonymous wrote:Your parents did right by you minus the driving drunk of course. This new generation is going to be destroyed. We , the kids who got beaten and screamed at are the greatest generation. Yet somehow we have decided to parent different and not yell or hit or shame. It’s like we turned our backs and want an apology for what made us great to begin with. If you spare the rod you spoil the child and that’s a sin .

The rod is to guide sheep, not hit them. The Bible tells you to guide your children, the meaning of discipline is teaching. You aren’t supposed to hit them. I guess you won’t be apologizing to your kids.

Your parents did right by you minus the driving drunk of course. This new generation is going to be destroyed. We , the kids who got beaten and screamed at are the greatest generation. Yet somehow we have decided to parent different and not yell or hit or shame. It’s like we turned our backs and want an apology for what made us great to begin with. If you spare the rod you spoil the child and that’s a sin .

Anonymous wrote:I guess I feel differently. When I became a parent I saw how ridiculously hard it was and I forgave my parents a lot. I saw how hard they had it too. Mine weren’t abusive but definitely parented differently than I do

When I became a parent, I realized how bad and toxic my parents were and still are.

I got a rushed one sentence apology. I told him I’d already forgiven him. 15 years later he demanded DNA evidence of paternity (I was 45) and hasn’t spoken to me since. He also cut off his mother for 7 years (no reason- she was a literal saint), and his much younger half sister he cut off when she was 21ish, also no reason. He won’t have an opportunity to reconcile with her since a drunk driver killed her, and he’s never met his six nieces and nephews. So that’s who he is.

I got one that was just bad as the abuse. Basically, it was "I am sorry I did...x,y.z, but you are a (insult, insult, insult)" so the implication is it was deserved. She also brags to people she is the bigger person and did apologize for her transgressions. I am pretty sure at this point her heart is made of stone and the tiny spec of working empathy center she had in brain has rotted.