Anonymous wrote:Sally, I forgot to mention that your posts made me cry because they were so genuine and loving, like a tight hug from a friend. I hope everyone in your life appreciates you, thank you so much. <3 op

I got you, OP. Anyone who has anything rude, judgmental or ‘well whatabout’ will have to go through me first. You deserve time and space to go through this process. I’m thinking of you, I’m praying for you, and you have every right to the complex feelings you have. The only way through it is through it. I wish you well as you go through it. There’s a book called “Radical Acceptance” that helped me go through a hard time. The basic premise is to feel all your feelings with no judgment, just acknowledge them and don’t fight them or try to “fix” them.

OP, hugs. Anger is a part of the grief process, and very normal. You have been through a lot. Just know that your anger is real, valid, but also partly rooted in your loss. It is an early stage of the grief process and will pass with time. Let yourself grieve however you need to, and don’t feel bad about it.

Sally, I forgot to mention that your posts made me cry because they were so genuine and loving, like a tight hug from a friend. I hope everyone in your life appreciates you, thank you so much. <3 op

Anonymous wrote:This is op and I’m overwhelmed by the caring responses and understanding. Thank you all so much for allowing me grace to say the hateful things and offering a judgment free zone. I’m trying to step back from my mom, and be there for my daughter and son in law. The proverbial straw was when I told her I couldn’t wait with her at the doc office because my family needed me, she said “I am your family”. That she couldn’t muster restraint to overlook my word choice shone a spotlight on the selfishness I’ve always known was there. My sister has severed her relationship, and my brothers are all out of state, pretty much useless. I do feel obligated, as the oldest child, to help her. Thank you for the condolences.

I’m rooting for you to put yourself and your adult child first, OP. Your mom can either figure it out, or call her sons for help. You’ve done more than enough.

-Sally

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here to listen to anything you want to share, any thought you want to get out. I 100% understand why you need to think, feel, and voice these feelings, whether they are “right” or not. I promise, I personally will not argue, play devil’s advocate, or chastise you for any feeling you want to share.

For the purposes of this forum, I will sign as “Sally.” Others may try to talk you out of feeling your feelings, but I won’t. I will just listen, receive, and understand. Because you deserve to be heard right now.

-Sally

Hey Sally

Why assume we are all monsters?

To the op
I am so sorry for your loss. I would feel the very same way and honestly I would take a break from helping your mom. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.

Do what you can to get the support you need.

I knew at least 1 or 2 arseholes would show up and would go after OP, and I was right. Did you not read the thread? I’ve been here long enough to get out ahead of it. You cannot pretend like people did not, as predicted, go after OP. How odd that you would post this; did you not read the thread? -Sally

This is op and I’m overwhelmed by the caring responses and understanding. Thank you all so much for allowing me grace to say the hateful things and offering a judgment free zone. I’m trying to step back from my mom, and be there for my daughter and son in law. The proverbial straw was when I told her I couldn’t wait with her at the doc office because my family needed me, she said “I am your family”. That she couldn’t muster restraint to overlook my word choice shone a spotlight on the selfishness I’ve always known was there. My sister has severed her relationship, and my brothers are all out of state, pretty much useless. I do feel obligated, as the oldest child, to help her. Thank you for the condolences.

I’m so sorry for your tragic loss, OP. It’s a terrible thing when a child loses their life, it’s not the natural order of things.

Your mother sounds very selfish. As a longtime elder caregiver, I know that *sometimes* that is dementia, but oftentimes it is the exacerbation of a personality trait that has always been there. Only you know which is true of your mother, so please disregard the strangers on this board excusing her behavior and attacking you for having feelings about it.

I also sympathize deeply with your frustrations about your mother’s lack of care for herself and demanding sympathy now from you and others when she is suffering the foreseeable consequences of her own poor choices. My mother suffered for years and then died from COPD, and she whined and demanded sympathy from the people who had begged her for decades to quit smoking - including me, who had begun begging her at age 10 and every year asked her to just please quit smoking as my birthday or Xmas present. She would never even try, not even for one day.

It’s natural and entirely okay to be angry at someone who sabotaged their own health and then demands you feel sorry for them. That’s a narcissist’s mentality and normal people can see the massive hypocrisy in it.

My deep condolences again on the loss of your grandson and the loss of time with him due to his great grandmother’s selfishness. Please be gentle with yourself and feel whatever you want to feel, any decent person would not judge you for it.

OP I am so sorry for your loss and you have every right to feel this way about your mom. For me it took tragedy after tragedy, including my own at the time serious illness to set major boundaries and detach.

My mother was always selfish and entitled, but with age any graces faded. I was in the hospital, post surgery and she called hysterical about things she needed me for and maybe I could send my husband? This woman has buckets of money and could easily hire. After years of helping her when dad was ill and then trying to be there for her after I was too exhausted and ill to take any more of her demands. It finally became clear the only reason she didn't want me to die is because it would be an inconvenience to her.

Some on here will say you are a good girl for setting yourself on fire to keep her warm and others will tell you that you are a fool to get sucked in. I liked the advice on here it's better to be a good elder than a good daughter. I focused on my own healing and my family I created and I stopped caring if mommy thought I was a good girl. She hated me when I helped and hated me I hired strangers, but I would not have had this significant health improvement if I had not decided to detach from her and just make sure she has hired support.

So sorry OP

She is not that elderly at 74. Not much older than Jill Biden. Either she has cognitive issues and has had no screening or has always been domineering and the child has always been a martyr. You could have said, sorry you have to stay for one month at the facility prior to surgery, I can't be with you, but didn't.

You won't change anything by going on a forum and complaining to random strangers. It will only get worse going forward.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this too shall pass.
Your mom will die and you will have another grandchild. You are only 53.
Signed,
-someone who hated her mother and was glad she died and let us all live life, finally

Dp. Are you saying a new grandchild will replace the grandchild who died? That's not cool. Another grandchild is a blessing but that child can never replace and is their own person.

This is very sad and I’m sorry for your loss, OP

You need to establish boundaries. This woman didn’t hold a gun to your head. Figure out what you can handle and don’t do any more. Some of this is on you. An elderly sick person is going to take all they can from you out of desperation. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here to listen to anything you want to share, any thought you want to get out. I 100% understand why you need to think, feel, and voice these feelings, whether they are “right” or not. I promise, I personally will not argue, play devil’s advocate, or chastise you for any feeling you want to share.

For the purposes of this forum, I will sign as “Sally.” Others may try to talk you out of feeling your feelings, but I won’t. I will just listen, receive, and understand. Because you deserve to be heard right now.

-Sally

Hey Sally

Why assume we are all monsters?

To the op
I am so sorry for your loss. I would feel the very same way and honestly I would take a break from helping your mom. Your mom sounds like a narcissist.

Do what you can to get the support you need.

On your side, OP! You need to walk away. At least for a while. You actually owe her nothing. Even if you loved her, you would owe her nothing. With all that said, what about your grandson's parents? I think one thing that will help you tremendously is to turn your caring to them (is your child a daugther? The mother of the child? Father?) Their grief is unimaginable compared to yours, so see what you can do for them and put the hatred for your mother aside. It's just wasteless energy in this moment.