Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

Anonymous wrote:They go on welfare like everyone else who didn’t plan for their future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

No, most people can’t live exactly where or how they would like to live on social security alone but it is certainly still a viable option as evidenced by the fact that millions of people successfully do so each year.

It may require significantly downsizing relocating to a low COL/less desirable area and/or applying for income based government assistance, but there are almost always alternatives to homelessness that don’t require adult children/extended family members to sacrifice their own financial futures.

I understand that as a rational person who makes good, sound choices. I have done that for housing myself, as many people do. The issue is really with people who put themselves in that situation in the first place: They don't make good choices, they don't relocate, they refuse to hear about relocation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

How do you let go of the guilt in all this though, if they beg for money?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Having lived this for the past twenty years with my poor, hapless in-laws, I wish someone had given DH and me the advice above. In retrospect, I would say your moral obligation is to your own family and building financial stability for your future so your kids aren't faced with the same problem. If you own a home, have your kid's college accounts funded and your retirement on its way, then at that point you can think in terms of viewing your in-laws as your charity. But you are NOT obligated to bankrupt or otherwise set yourself way back financially in order to bail them out.

Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs both live off of social security and the choices they made as adults. It is not my job as their IL or offspring to inflate their lifestyle to their current desires.

No more than it was their responsibility to pay for college or every financial setback that you and your spouse have weathered.

Rinse, wash, repeat.

So wdyd if the choice is homelessness? Because most people can't live on just social security.

No, most people can’t live exactly where or how they would like to live on social security alone but it is certainly still a viable option as evidenced by the fact that millions of people successfully do so each year.

It may require significantly downsizing relocating to a low COL/less desirable area and/or applying for income based government assistance, but there are almost always alternatives to homelessness that don’t require adult children/extended family members to sacrifice their own financial futures.

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling very overwhelmed. My dh's grandma died a month ago and now his grandpa died. Everyone on dh's side is entirely broke. Dh's grandma had saved for her funeral expenses, that was used up. Now there is no more money. My in-laws can barely afford the cost of going to the funeral out of state. Dh's grandpa does not have a plot bc they sold that plot since he is a veteran and they figured he can be buried through the VA (I don't know how much cheaper that is). I am sort of in a panic about it all, we can help with these costs, but what next? My in-laws are not old yet, and will need so many costs covered as well moving forward, just as our kids are going to go to college. We have saved but we are not rich. I guess I am just venting and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws were buried for free at Quantico Cemetary in Virginia because FIL was a vet. It included outdoor shelter for the service, headstone, burial fee, gun salute. It was very nice and no cost to the family.

Check into VA death benefits.