Anonymous wrote:Do the significant needs of your child mean that they will continue to need a high level of support and be living with parent(s) into adulthood? There is a difference between an arrangement that lasts for 12 more years vs. the rest of your lives.
Perhaps couples counseling, so the two of you have a space to try to really define what the arrangement will be.

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Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I don't want a divorce. I think it would make things harder for everyone.

I guess my more specific problem is that every month or two, usually after talking with her therapist, she seems to go through a phase where she wants something closer to a traditional marriage. It is hard to say exactly what it is she wants, though, because she will also acknowledge at those times that that is not going to happen.

I mean, you're saying this, but you are also saying that you find her physical presence unbearable. I think when you say you don't want a divorce you mean that you still want to co-parent with no expectation of a marital relationship.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but in your situation it seems like the arrangement where the kids stay in the same house and the parents rotate to an apartment might work (is that nesting?). Or if the house is big enough one of you leaves the marital bedroom and you basically separate while under the same roof. This can work. You just have to both be committed to the parenting relationship above all else.

Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say.

We've had separate bedrooms for a long time. The nesting concept wouldn't work for both financial and logistical reasons. As I've said, the one child's support needs are significant.

The issue is getting more complete acceptance that the marital relationship is gone and never coming back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard for me to say anything because I don’t know what kind of conflicts led you to this place. At some point you loved this person and married, and you have a special needs child which makes divorce harder.

What positive outcomes do you think are going to come out of a divorce?

I can’t comment on your situation either without knowing what kinds of conflicts happened and if reasonable or not to come back from.

Stress and anger, neglect and ignorance, black & white thinkers versus gray, lack of empathy vs empathy.

Simply put, even if our situation were possible to come back from, I'm not interested in that.

Ok, you might not *want* to return your marriage to a loving place, but it seems like maybe in your circumstance you actually need to.

Look, a lot of us sort of dragged ourselves through the process of reconciling with our miserable spouses. It's not easy but for the sake of our kids it was something we felt we had to do. You might have to do the same.

I guess I don't understand why someone would find attempting to force that desirable compared to accepting a non-loving coparenting marriage.

Anonymous wrote:It’s really hard to know what you want. It sounds like you have made up your mind and you avoid your wife as much as possible already. Are you hoping for a different relationship at the same time (open marriage?) because it sounds like things are pretty much what you are resigned to already?

I have a child with SN (though I’m guessing they are milder than your child’s based on your description) and there were periods of time I really didn’t think our marriage was going to make it. It is really hard to pour yourself into your kids so intensely and have anything left for your spouse. But I think it’s kind of BS to stay married and live together and give up entirely on the marriage. It’s terrible for your kids to see you stay with someone who you feel repulsed by. I wonder if the medication you are taking is affecting you sexually (?) and that is leading to repulsion? Not saying you should go off them, obviously, just that your reactions sound really extreme.

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Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Did you provide emotional support before?

Some, although that has admittedly always been a source of conflict. Once the kids came along I lost whatever energy I had for dealing with that. And now I simply do not care.

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Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

Is this about looks?

Anonymous wrote:Married 10 years, with two kids under the of 8, one with significant special needs.

The marriage has been in a downward spiral since the pressures/stresses with the kids, with a pretty strep decline during the pandemic. After a failed attempt at marriage therapy, we fell into mode where we effectively became cordial roommates for the last couple years. We give each other space at home, but things are well enough that we can go out with friends and do some family outings.

But the love is gone. I recoil at physical proxity, much less touch, and even find the voice difficult to listen to.

Divorce would be financially and logistically distasterous. And given the significant support needs of one of our kids, it's hard to imagine one person being able to care for the kids. So. either of us views divorce as a plausible option.

In our discussions, we both seem to acknowledge that things gone far enough that there's no going back. I'm of the opinion we double-down on that and accept this is what is sometimes called a parenting marriage. My spouse, not so much, but doesn't have much of an alternative to offer.

I don't really know where to go from here. I've been pretty clear I'd agree to a divorce, but that I don't think either of us could handle it logistically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any living situation can work, if you are both on the same page.
You seem to want the roommate/coparent option, which is valid. I’m not getting g what spouse wants - you say you both have ruled out divorce - to work towards getting back to a real relationship?
I guess you can talk more to diss out if spouse wants something. Maybe they are on the same page as you are, but are just grieving the loss of relationship/options.

Yes, they want some sort of relationship, but again, they acknowledge things have gone too far to ever be like a traditional, loving marriage. I guess they still want some degree of intimacy and emotional support that I'm unable, or at least unwilling, to provide.

Can you fake it? Just to make the marriage more bearable since you don't want a divorce.

We can fake it fine in front of others, but I physically recoil at her touch, and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. I can't fake any actual feelings of emotional connection to her beyond resentment.

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.

Anonymous wrote:Do you blame the special needs on her behavior or her genetics? Did her physical appearance change?

You're stating contradictory things: you can hardly stand her physical presence and you can't bear the sound of her voice, but you're cordial roommates who can sometimes even go out jointly with friends? How does this compute? Doesn't sound cordial.

Are you in therapy, OP? The PP who suggested a depression screening is not wrong. Antidepressants can be a total game changer. SN is very hard on the parents and on the marriage, I really empathize as a SN parent. But you can't let that implode everything forever, by and by you gotta be able to dig yourself out.

Acknowledge to her that she wants something else. Tell her you're not in a place to provide that. Tell her what you're willing to do to improve things, even if it's 5% of what she wants.