My mother would do this too. Except she wouldn't tell us until after the surgery had occurred and she required extensive help and rehab. She would make no provisions for anything and then would call ambulances or my sister at work. She became very self-centered as she aged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...she said you don't need to be there.

Also, it's very possible that it was scheduled by the dr/surgical center. My mom has shoulder replacement surgery scheduled for Good Friday-I was like, they do that on that day? Anyhow, she didn't get to choose, unless she wanted to wait much longer-and she's in pain, so that's not ok.

Ask her directly what her plans for care after the surgery are.

Also, she probably doesn't have your kids' spring break schedule memorized. I sure don't. cut her some slack.

no i told her many many many times.
it seems insane to not go. but.... i guess? my dad will be there and then they will have help. But feels v wrong and bad.

Your dad is there, the WTF is your issue. I recently had surgery and the only reason some other person came to help was because my husband was on business travel. Is your father missing limbs or a brain that his assistance is not sufficient?

??
Not op but elderly spouse is often not adequate to help after major surgery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...she said you don't need to be there.

Also, it's very possible that it was scheduled by the dr/surgical center. My mom has shoulder replacement surgery scheduled for Good Friday-I was like, they do that on that day? Anyhow, she didn't get to choose, unless she wanted to wait much longer-and she's in pain, so that's not ok.

Ask her directly what her plans for care after the surgery are.

Also, she probably doesn't have your kids' spring break schedule memorized. I sure don't. cut her some slack.

no i told her many many many times.
it seems insane to not go. but.... i guess? my dad will be there and then they will have help. But feels v wrong and bad.

Your dad is there, the WTF is your issue. I recently had surgery and the only reason some other person came to help was because my husband was on business travel. Is your father missing limbs or a brain that his assistance is not sufficient?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't always get much say in when your surgery can be scheduled, it's up to the surgeon's and the facility's schedules.

What?!? You say “no, I’m sorry, that day will not work for me.” Then they pick another day.

LOL!
I guess you have never had surgery. You can say that and it may be months before they get you in. As a matter of fact, they can schedule you but a more urgent operation bumps you. This is not a hair appointment smarty pants. If you have to surgery, you go when they can take you.

If she’ll be in for weeks, go visit after spring break. Your dad will be very ready for a break.

Maybe she wants more privacy. Or, honestly, maybe you're not as helpful as you think you are.

Anonymous wrote:op - it's major enough surgery that it would be very weird if i weren't there.
of course she is saying 'dont worry you dont need to be there' - but that feels very bizarre. her saying 'you dont need to be there' feels more like a ridiculous comment you'd make bc you dont want to change the date, rather than a real reflection of what's needed.

If it's too much, don't go. Make sure she has hired a professionals to help her. It's good for her to find a place she likes. There will be times your kids need you, your mom has an issue, your MIL is in the hospital and you have to have backup plans. This will likely be a marathon. I have been at this for close to a decade and the only way to survive is for them not to expect you to be there for everything and for you to give yourself permission to guard your sanity.

If she were demanding you be there, it is rude. If she has a plan, then you need to let her go forward with that plan and have her own free will. If this is just manipulation and her "no need to bother" really means"you better come" then that is on her.

She needs to change the date so you can be there to help, unless of course she has another willing caregiver who can sub in. We had a similar situation with my MIL. My husband talked to her and explained to her there was no way in hell she wouldn’t be needing a ton of help post-surgery. (She was planning to stay with us post-surgery but didn’t think she’d need much help. And didnt consult us on the surgery date). She changed the surgery date so she could stay with us and we could help her out. Which was 100% needed as the surgery ended up being more extensive than she (or her surgeon) had anticipated.

OP,

Sometimes you don’t choose your surgery date, and it can be difficult to reschedule.

Or -
She might be one of those people with social anxiety who are afraid of offending, so she won’t call and ask, and will claim to you she can do without a visit.

OP, if she's going to be in the hospital for weeks, go as soon as spring break is over. Your dad will be ready for a break.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP...she said you don't need to be there.

Also, it's very possible that it was scheduled by the dr/surgical center. My mom has shoulder replacement surgery scheduled for Good Friday-I was like, they do that on that day? Anyhow, she didn't get to choose, unless she wanted to wait much longer-and she's in pain, so that's not ok.

Ask her directly what her plans for care after the surgery are.

Also, she probably doesn't have your kids' spring break schedule memorized. I sure don't. cut her some slack.

no i told her many many many times.
it seems insane to not go. but.... i guess? my dad will be there and then they will have help. But feels v wrong and bad.

Oh, so this is actually your problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had a surgery scheduled on a very inconvenient date. My other option was to wait another six months.

Sometimes you don't have a choice.

+1! I'm the pp whose mom is having her shoulder done on Good Friday. The next available date was in May! My mom can barely sleep with the pain. AND she's my dad's caretaker ( I have arranged respite for him and I took FMLA to care for her after the surgery). OP, your mom has your dad and other help you said? Sounds like she's set. I'd maybe send some meal delivery and FaceTime her.

I just got my date for my bilateral mastectomy. Of all the people required to in the operating room, my schedule was the least considered.

Anonymous wrote:What kind of elective surgery keeps a person in the hospital for weeks?

That's what I want to know. There was much speculation about Kate Middleton and the various bowel surgeries she might have had. Is it something like that?