Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

DP. Totally the opposite. I lost both my parents by the time I was 32. I've been through it and know exactly what it's like.

Until it’s you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

This. 100% this.

There are clearly many sociopaths on this thread

I was so fortunate to have long lived grandparents and a couple of great grandparents as well as many cousins and uncles and aunts in those generations. And I’ve lost a parent, an uncle, and an aunt as well. We were very close, and over the last few years the die off has been terrible, and coincided with the loss of a close friend and the move aways of a couple of others.

It’s a profound change in my life to lose so many people that loved me, loved my children. That shared so many memories.

I think the way I’ve managed is to allow myself to grieve, but let it coexist with joy as much as I can. I’m a nature person, so I get out as much as I can. That’s something that really feeds me. I don’t think there is a magic solution; my aunt used to say, “There are some things in life you cannot go over, under, or around.” I think grief is one of those things.

People do get sick and die in middle age for random reasons that medicine doesn’t understand or can address in order to ensure health and survival. It’s part of life. I’m one of those people- 41- and I have faulty genes (diagnosed) that mean I can’t do what other people my age do and stay healthy. It remains to be seen if I will live into my 70s or 80s, but based on my 40s, I’m not expecting to.

Learn to accept that American culture sells us all a bill of goods that simple lifestyle choices will insure good health and longevity. It’s that false marketing premise that is causing you trauma, not reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We as a society need to flip the switch on how we view death and dying. Yes it’s horribly sad but it’s also the natural order of things. We are all born and we’re all going to die- those are the only things every single person walking this earth has in common with each other. I wish our society would focus on the quality of life over longevity. Maybe we shouldn’t treat every terminal illness aggressively.

I’m convinced that my dad, who died of metastatic lung cancer, would have had a much better end of life experience if he’d just let things progress instead of trying every treatment out there (all which kept him very sick his last two years of life). He was two years from diagnosis to death and I doubt any of the treatments prolonged anything.

Thanks for sharing this perspective on your dad. There's the idea that you have to "fight" against cancer or other health challenges, but I've often thought I wouldn't want to go through the expense or pain of treatment that might have minimal benefit. But I'm thinking that from the perspective of someone who hasn't received that kind of diagnosis, so who knows how I would feel if I did.

I think a lot depends on your age as well as your temperament. I assume it is easier to accept the inevitable if you are 82 than if you are 52.

I guess the other thing is that you don’t know in advance how the treatments will go. Some people really do beat the odds and get another 10 years cancer free. Others just suffer unnecessarily as a result of the treatment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm also in the stage of life where these things are surfacing frequently, so I get it.

I think what people are quibbling with, though, is probably use of the word "tragedy." Speaking as someone who's been through it (both parents gone by the time I was 30, plus losing several other, younger relatives to cancer), I also just view it as life.

If a younger person dying of cancer isn’t a tragedy then what is? Viewed through that lens, is not every death a part of life and every bad thing that happens? Do we need the word ‘tragedy’ at all by your measure?

If this is OP, your initial post references parents and friends' parents, rather than specifically mentioning younger people. Hence some of the responses you've gotten.

Anonymous wrote:How do you adjust to the time in your life, when your parents and your friend's parents start dying off at pace, and your family and friends get cancer, and all that?

It sounds counterintuitive, but you do everything you can to meet that time in your life with kindness, compassion, and grace to yourself and others. Grief and loss will come to us all.

I have lived through what felt like an “endless parade of tragedy.” I will spend the rest of my life trying to repay some of the kindness and compassion that was shown to me and to my family during that time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

This. 100% this.

Agree.

Don’t catastrophize it all and don’t be a drama queen. Manage your grief in private. You really don’t need other people to grieve with you. It’s a nice thing to have but not necessarily to cope.

Anonymous wrote:It’s just life and it’s what’s supposed to happen. What’s not supposed to happen is kids dying before their parents.

Isn’t that what op is describing in people dying in their 30s and 40s?
How do you decide what is and is not meant to happen?

It’s just life and it’s what’s supposed to happen. What’s not supposed to happen is kids dying before their parents.

It’s all part of life but some losses cut deeper than others. When you reach 70, as I have, if you are in good health the key is to be thankful for what you have.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm also in the stage of life where these things are surfacing frequently, so I get it.

I think what people are quibbling with, though, is probably use of the word "tragedy." Speaking as someone who's been through it (both parents gone by the time I was 30, plus losing several other, younger relatives to cancer), I also just view it as life.

If a younger person dying of cancer isn’t a tragedy then what is? Viewed through that lens, is not every death a part of life and every bad thing that happens? Do we need the word ‘tragedy’ at all by your measure?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

Here’s the problem with your pov:
- you’re asking people to be ‘ok’ with death and dying which is not natural or normal to be ok with regardless of age.
- you have dedicated your life to the dying so you can be expected to have a preternatural understanding of it which the read of us don’t have. You could use that power to give a more enlightened answer but your defense is just a repetition of how much dying you’ve experienced. I’m sorry for your loss but doing something over and over doesn’t actually make you good at helping others do it, although it ought to make you better at it than you are

Anonymous wrote:We as a society need to flip the switch on how we view death and dying. Yes it’s horribly sad but it’s also the natural order of things. We are all born and we’re all going to die- those are the only things every single person walking this earth has in common with each other. I wish our society would focus on the quality of life over longevity. Maybe we shouldn’t treat every terminal illness aggressively.

I’m convinced that my dad, who died of metastatic lung cancer, would have had a much better end of life experience if he’d just let things progress instead of trying every treatment out there (all which kept him very sick his last two years of life). He was two years from diagnosis to death and I doubt any of the treatments prolonged anything.

Thanks for sharing this perspective on your dad. There's the idea that you have to "fight" against cancer or other health challenges, but I've often thought I wouldn't want to go through the expense or pain of treatment that might have minimal benefit. But I'm thinking that from the perspective of someone who hasn't received that kind of diagnosis, so who knows how I would feel if I did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By accepting the natural order of things and not thinking of death of elders as tragedy.

Children with cancer are a tragedy; people in midlife and beyond with cancer are the natural order of things.

Either you are cold as ice or just have not lived through this yet.

Often these are vital people, hit out of the blue with terror and pain that you have to watch as they decline.

We are not talking about some folk song lyrics.

I guess you can't read, as I have just posted about the many early deaths I have suffered among family and friends. And I have spent a decade of my life as a hospice caregiver so there isn't anything YOU can tell me about helping people cope with impending death at any age.

DP. Maybe you need a break from caregiving. You sound burned out.

Thank you for caring. I'm done with hospice caregiving for the time being, and am now working with kindergartners and 1st graders - much more joy and hopefulness involved!