Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 20:43     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag


I feel like I wrote this! My daughter picks a fight with me every day I pick her up. The other day she mentioned two girls who go competitively ride horses (she does not ride - and I don’t really know these girls - I’m just listening). So, I’m trying to be a good parent and let her talk - ‘oh, are they friends?’ This made her jump straight down my throat shouting at me - ‘no they’re such different people! How could you imagine they are friends’ etc. I respond - ‘well, they both ride at the same place, attend the same small school and church, and their parents travel in the same social circles’. Again, I’m met with hostility. So finally I say - ‘let’s not talk. I don’t like the way you treat me. Honestly, I don’t care about what two kids I barely know do for their extracurriculars or if they are friends, and I was just letting you talk and that’s what you brought up. I am tired of this happening on repeat about very mundane topics every day. If you cannot treat me with respect, don’t talk to me.’. This is probably the wrong approach, but after a very busy day, honestly this is the last thing I need. Especially since I pick her up and drive to the elementary school to get her little sister and nearly everyday she picks a fight with her sister too. Generally, she’s a sweet kid, but he has MOODS! and I always get the sh!+ end of the mood stick. I’m done. She only treats me like this in the 2 hour window after I pick her up from school. I will avoid talking to her in the time from now on.


Let me know how it works out! I have tried this from time to time - but then she gets hurt/offended and then things escalate. I must be doing it wrong.


hmm- I usually hand my phone to her so that she can pick music and everyone spends like an hour decompressing when we get home, by ourselves. After this I usually have to start pushing dinner time, hw time, practice. ive spiced that they are kind and nice to talk to at bedtime just like the cleaves- so I try to set aside time to talk to each kid before heading to bed myself. It doesn't always work but I jut want them to enjoy life again and stop being so mean to me!
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 19:21     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:This was a good thread for me to read. I take the vents in stride and remember doing the same to my mom.

But my husband absolutely takes it on and takes it personally. He cannot understand it and it upsets him that she’s upset. The mood swings the venting. He just doesn’t get it. He takes on her mood and emotions. Seeing others say they do this has given me some good perspective because I really do just view the venting as a normal age appropriate thing and move on.


I think it’s great that you could see other perspectives that help you better understand what your husband may be experiencing. That’s the best of what a site like this should be.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 19:05     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
This was a good thread for me to read. I take the vents in stride and remember doing the same to my mom.

But my husband absolutely takes it on and takes it personally. He cannot understand it and it upsets him that she’s upset. The mood swings the venting. He just doesn’t get it. He takes on her mood and emotions. Seeing others say they do this has given me some good perspective because I really do just view the venting as a normal age appropriate thing and move on.
Anonymous
Post 02/15/2024 18:25     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:Immediate PP.
But, speaking of validating:
I also get yelled at when I try to understand, "oh, it sounds really frustrating that XYZ"
NO MOM YOU DON"T GET IT IT"S THIS!!


Original empath PP here. I like your suggestions. I’m going to try especially asking if it’s me or the situation. Rhetorical question I think, but one she may really not consider unless prompted. This is so good.

Also, regarding the quoted comment. Gosh yes. As an empath I have always been innately good at understanding where someone is coming from, even giving words to feelings they may be struggling to articulate. I’ve always been the person friends come to in those tough moments for support. And in my work today, I’m usually right on target in getting it & saying the right thing with all different kinds of people that I encounter. But with my own dd, apparently I am always wrong?! I don’t get it and I say the wrong thing. Frustrating in the moment, sad in thinking about the mother/daughter connection, and also just totally a first for me!
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 10:54     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
This is what I do.

Listen quietly. Let her vent. Take mental notes to bring up LATER when she’s not in venting mode.

Interrupting to make points/teach lessons or even ask questions usually ends up twisted. BUT I can bring it up after dinner while walking the dog and it’s much better received. But after school during the vent session? Just listen and show her you’re listening with mmm hmm and eye contact, etc.

Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 10:07     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.


This is good advice.


Np. I like the idea of having some positive things to focus on, but I think telling my dd that her feelings made me sad or upset would make her upset and then not come to me when things are hard. I remember stopping telling my mom things because she worried too much. Still now I feel constrained to keep our conversations positive to spare her feelings, but it makes for a much less honest and open relationship.


Yes I do not advise telling your kids their vents make you sad.


Find a word that is appropriate for your specific teens so they know their parents are human and not cyborgs.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 10:05     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:Highly recommend reading or listening to Emotional lives of Teenagers. This unloading is a hallmark coping mechanism for teens and listening to the author break it down helped me a lot. Reframing it as (1) normal and (2) healthy for my child has helped me respond more appropriately or more accurately helped me not let it bother me as much. But it is hard! Good luck.


Here is a video

https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=-hyE_m_tkYc-YLce&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&source_ve_path=MTM5MTE3LDE2NDk5LDI4NjY0LDE2NDUwNg&feature=emb_share&v=GO4TjlNBB_s

Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 10:04     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.


This is good advice.


Np. I like the idea of having some positive things to focus on, but I think telling my dd that her feelings made me sad or upset would make her upset and then not come to me when things are hard. I remember stopping telling my mom things because she worried too much. Still now I feel constrained to keep our conversations positive to spare her feelings, but it makes for a much less honest and open relationship.


Yes I do not advise telling your kids their vents make you sad.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 09:55     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.


This is good advice.


Np. I like the idea of having some positive things to focus on, but I think telling my dd that her feelings made me sad or upset would make her upset and then not come to me when things are hard. I remember stopping telling my mom things because she worried too much. Still now I feel constrained to keep our conversations positive to spare her feelings, but it makes for a much less honest and open relationship.


You can say that. But you’re transitioning from parenting a child to a young adult and you have to trust that she also cares about your feelings…. And perhaps at 16 she doesn’t but by 23 she will… but it’s a process.

It’s okay for you to also have feelings, your children need to know you are human

Don’t have this discussion during a vent

Say, I fear you will stop confiding in me by telling you this, but I’m also sure you are mature enough to understand what I’m about to tell you and still trust me and come to me.

Also, in the future, you will want to vent to your BF/spouse and I would like to model a positive way to do that.

We are parents, we feel our kids pain. Thats okay, but we also need to have boundaries to feel pain, and joy, and be treated as a feeling human.

Maybe even ask for a hug after the vent to counteract the negative.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 09:41     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
Highly recommend reading or listening to Emotional lives of Teenagers. This unloading is a hallmark coping mechanism for teens and listening to the author break it down helped me a lot. Reframing it as (1) normal and (2) healthy for my child has helped me respond more appropriately or more accurately helped me not let it bother me as much. But it is hard! Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 09:29     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
I also can really relate to this and in fact went to a therapist about it. My child's daily ups and downs and moods were consuming me. It was TERRIBLE.

Things that were useful for me, so might be useful to others:

-Something is probably triggering you from your own adolescence. So think it through and figure out those connections.
-You really don't need to be so in the weeds on every detail of their lives. Listen, but don't ask follow up questions. Redirect when it's all negative.
-Trust yourself that you know your child and are connected to your child and if something is REALLY going on with your kid, you will see and know and respond appropriately. I think a lot of us don't want to shut down this emotional vampire routine because we fear this means we will miss something or the relationship won't be "open" or "good" or "close" or whatever value you're putting on it. Shift your thinking. What you are doing is not healthy for you and therefore you can't show up and be the parent they need when they really do need you.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 08:16     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
I would stop offering solutions unless she asks for them. Listen for a reasonable time, and tell her you are sorry to hear that, and when the car ride is over, go about your own business in the house.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 08:10     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.


This is good advice.


Np. I like the idea of having some positive things to focus on, but I think telling my dd that her feelings made me sad or upset would make her upset and then not come to me when things are hard. I remember stopping telling my mom things because she worried too much. Still now I feel constrained to keep our conversations positive to spare her feelings, but it makes for a much less honest and open relationship.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 08:03     Subject: Re:I'm sick of being the punching bag
Anonymous wrote:The problem is not that she vents to you, the problem is that you can't listen without taking on the emotions of the vent.

You would like to label her behavior as wrong, which is wrong.

You need to be honest with yourself and her and say, I don't know why but when you vent it makes me sad/upset. I want you to be able to come to me but it's too much to always only hear the negative.

At the end of every negative vent, try saying 3 positive things... or 3 things you that you are grateful for.

Also, work on not feeling her emotions.


This is good advice.
Anonymous
Post 02/14/2024 07:52     Subject: I'm sick of being the punching bag
I find that the best way to handle with my kids is to chime in minimally with empathy, say I get it, it sounds tough... Dor dd who likes hugs I give a hug, for ds a pat on the back, I make them a nice snack. I don't talk much and let them feel heard. Then I notice they are a LOT calmer. It's hard to do and requires really detaching emotionally in my head to actually not feel too much empathy or worry: they can sense my anxiousness when I am anxious and feed off of it.