Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To my DH, the “seemingly minor” transgression was saying he’d drop me off at the hospital when I was about to give birth. He’d come back after work, he said, so what’s the big deal?

I no longer trust his judgement, and yes, I hold a grudge.

And you find it healthy to hold on to this for years, letting it live rent free in your head, and not let it go and moving ahead?

Have you addressed that with your husband? If so, has he shown good faith efforts to be a better person to you?

Of course it’s not healthy, but it’s there in my head! Yes, I’ve addressed it, even with unhelpful therapy, and no, he has not shown good faith efforts to be a better person to me. Instead he doubles down to explain why his adolescent behavior should be justified.

In general I think he’s a decent person but a crappy husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of a marriage like this. But the person I'm close to doesn't want to get out because they don't want to have a second divorce. But they are also miserable a lot of the time because their partner is rigid, demanding, belittling, and controlling.

I know my friend love their spouse, but they also reallllly dislike their spouse. It's easy to see from the outside that the marriage should not be salvaged because one of the people in the marriage is not interested in working on themself or compromising.

Sounds like my FIL. His second wife is a b——h but he won’t admit he made a mistake.

I know several couples like this, sadly.

Who knew living with a ManChild results in them being treated like a 250 pound toddler?!
Shocking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know of a marriage like this. But the person I'm close to doesn't want to get out because they don't want to have a second divorce. But they are also miserable a lot of the time because their partner is rigid, demanding, belittling, and controlling.

I know my friend love their spouse, but they also reallllly dislike their spouse. It's easy to see from the outside that the marriage should not be salvaged because one of the people in the marriage is not interested in working on themself or compromising.

Sounds like my FIL. His second wife is a b——h but he won’t admit he made a mistake.

I know several couples like this, sadly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it’s awesome, as a man, and I know it sounds sexist, but let’s be real if we are going by most broad indicators and measures, that I can simply move ahead in life unburdened by the need to hold a long term grudge the way women do. Like it’s incredibly freeing. Why even do it? Why dwell? Is it nature or nurture that causes this phenomena? Either way, I just love being able to kind of charge ahead and face the future less encumbered by useless emotional baggage like that.

terrible english and sentence structure. not clear what your point is. Can you redo your first long sentence so it makes sense in English.

Capitalize your first sentence and I will fix my post and then we can all live in harmony.

The poster also wrote in sentence fragments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it’s awesome, as a man, and I know it sounds sexist, but let’s be real if we are going by most broad indicators and measures, that I can simply move ahead in life unburdened by the need to hold a long term grudge the way women do. Like it’s incredibly freeing. Why even do it? Why dwell? Is it nature or nurture that causes this phenomena? Either way, I just love being able to kind of charge ahead and face the future less encumbered by useless emotional baggage like that.

terrible english and sentence structure. not clear what your point is. Can you redo your first long sentence so it makes sense in English.

Capitalize your first sentence and I will fix my post and then we can all live in harmony.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it’s awesome, as a man, and I know it sounds sexist, but let’s be real if we are going by most broad indicators and measures, that I can simply move ahead in life unburdened by the need to hold a long term grudge the way women do. Like it’s incredibly freeing. Why even do it? Why dwell? Is it nature or nurture that causes this phenomena? Either way, I just love being able to kind of charge ahead and face the future less encumbered by useless emotional baggage like that.

terrible english and sentence structure. not clear what your point is. Can you redo your first long sentence so it makes sense in English.

Anonymous wrote:To my DH, the “seemingly minor” transgression was saying he’d drop me off at the hospital when I was about to give birth. He’d come back after work, he said, so what’s the big deal?

I no longer trust his judgement, and yes, I hold a grudge.

agree. similar "minor transgressions" that showed spouse's true capabilities and judgement.

I feel like it’s awesome, as a man, and I know it sounds sexist, but let’s be real if we are going by most broad indicators and measures, that I can simply move ahead in life unburdened by the need to hold a long term grudge the way women do. Like it’s incredibly freeing. Why even do it? Why dwell? Is it nature or nurture that causes this phenomena? Either way, I just love being able to kind of charge ahead and face the future less encumbered by useless emotional baggage like that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constant criticisms for seemingly minor transgressions? 10 year grudge holding? Rude comments? Who else lives this way? With a dominant personality partner who is unreasonable.

Everyone with untreated ADHD or ASD lives this way. Constant mishaps followed by questions and comments automatically deemed rude.

Unfortunate truth. they double down on their ADHD/ASD guffaws with defiance and arguments. Just own up, fix it and everyone moves on. wouldn't even be here talking about it if that mature of a response was happening half the time.

*narcissistic

Yes- I divorced my carcasses ex husband. In his 40s he added alcoholism to his resume and the abuse skyrocketed.

It’s been six years of pain but living abuse free is a gift. He will continue to heckle you in court but I’m no longer tied to a giant stone around my neck- the kids rarely see him anymore as he’s just an angry incoherent belligerent failure of a man.

Anonymous wrote:I divorced an extremely passive/ aggressive wife who had problems seeing her fault in anything.
She still complains to our mutual friends and says I was the one who was too critical. I've never regretted my break up decision.

Sorry, I guess you just move on and there will never be real closure on that. I mean it’s impossible to ever truly be able to fully agree with one side or another in this type of amorphous, subjective decision. No one is ever fully right or fully wrong.

One one hand I see a lot of controlling, nagging, anxious, critical wives who pester their husbands, but it’s because the wife is unhappy and she is venting it in an unhealthy, relationship harming way.

Then I see a lot of shlub husbands who don’t pull their weight or help or they are sexist.

The whole institution of marriage is a head fk. I feel like the only answer is there is no answer. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

I divorced an extremely passive/ aggressive wife who had problems seeing her fault in anything.
She still complains to our mutual friends and says I was the one who was too critical. I've never regretted my break up decision.

Anonymous wrote:To my DH, the “seemingly minor” transgression was saying he’d drop me off at the hospital when I was about to give birth. He’d come back after work, he said, so what’s the big deal?

I no longer trust his judgement, and yes, I hold a grudge.

And you find it healthy to hold on to this for years, letting it live rent free in your head, and not let it go and moving ahead?

Have you addressed that with your husband? If so, has he shown good faith efforts to be a better person to you?

To my DH, the “seemingly minor” transgression was saying he’d drop me off at the hospital when I was about to give birth. He’d come back after work, he said, so what’s the big deal?

I no longer trust his judgement, and yes, I hold a grudge.