Anonymous wrote:Who can she call if she really needs something?

Yes, this. You can’t block her until you have set her up in a way that she is safe and cared for during the day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suggesting that an old person with Alzheimer’s learns how to use Google or Alexa is ludicrous. Tell me you haven’t had a parent with dementia without telling me you haven’t had a parent with dementia.

Op, you need a system in place to keep her fridge and cabinets stocked with food. She can’t do that for her self anymore. Order them online and get them delivered but she probably can’t be relied on to put them away.

Your teen kids should be more self sufficient than they sound assuming they aren’t special needs.

How are her finances? You could hire a part time home aid.

It’s hard to work with a 13 yo to manage their ADHD meds and appts.

ADHD falls within my definition of special needs in this context.

Anonymous wrote:

Spoken like someone who hasn’t had a parent with ALZ or dementia. There is NO learning new things. It’s the slow withering of already acquired skills and trying to implement anything new that they themselves are responsible for will fail.
The OP’s mom needs to be in memory care.

My mom has mis stage Alzheimer’s. I think I could probably track her progression by noting when she stopped being able to use anything technological. It started with the failure to learn to use a smartphone 3-4 years ago (I had hopes she could use Lyft etc). Then she stopped using her computer . Than the tv. Now she keeps turning off her answering machine by accident (there are only 2 buttons, one for on/off and one for play/erase). She also couldn’t remember how to make coffee.

Off topic but maybe relevant to OP

There's this thing called a GrandPad that I think was designed to address some of these elder issues.

https://www.grandpad.net/?utm_term=grandpad&utm_campaign=RA+%7C+SN+%7C+Branded&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=3189703085&hsa_cam=15176817987&hsa_grp=128923429109&hsa_ad=559335476077&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-312210932054&hsa_kw=grandpad&hsa_mt=b&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAw6yuBhDrARIsACf94RX5Kwgby4AqkaY4zM7uK5Zp37CIyD1sMPXEBjluTHGjZ9xZ9_PzEYEaAt1MEALw_wcB

What I did was hire independent aides through Care.com to care for my mom all day from 8am to 9pm every day. Interview them in person, check references carefully, etc. this is expensive but if you can afford it, necessary! It is less expensive than most nursing homes to do it this way and better care if you get good people since it is 1-1.

Spoken like someone who hasn’t had a parent with ALZ or dementia. There is NO learning new things. It’s the slow withering of already acquired skills and trying to implement anything new that they themselves are responsible for will fail.
The OP’s mom needs to be in memory care.

My mom has mis stage Alzheimer’s. I think I could probably track her progression by noting when she stopped being able to use anything technological. It started with the failure to learn to use a smartphone 3-4 years ago (I had hopes she could use Lyft etc). Then she stopped using her computer . Than the tv. Now she keeps turning off her answering machine by accident (there are only 2 buttons, one for on/off and one for play/erase). She also couldn’t remember how to make coffee.

Anyway op I’m also juggling my own family; health issues; complex job etc, and my one sibling is not involved beyond visiting 1-2x/year. Between assisted living and hiring someone to come in 3x/week she’s okay for now and can move to MC where she is if she needs to…Can your mom move up to assisted living where she is ? If not hire someone to stop by and do groceries etc a few times a week (and keep tabs on her for you) and plan move her soon to assisted living with memory care wing.

Anonymous wrote:You are a good daughter to be concerned about your mom's safety, well-being, and her emotional connection to you. I'm not sure being on call during working hours accomplishes keeping her safe. If she needs that level of support, the current situation is not working, you being on call for her 24/7 is not a solution, and you need to find another one to keep her safe (if you think that's really a concern). With her dementia, unfortunately, she is no longer able to make decisions about when to call, because she simply can't remember that she just called. I always think about what my own mother said when she was less demented, or what good etiquette and kindness demands of us - do not pick up if you can't talk right now. You can always talk after work, or if she needs groceries, during your lunch hour - one time. Address the safety, know in your own heart you are communicating with her when you can, and then do not pick up.

+1

I’m sorry, OP. Dementia is an awful, awful disease. My father had it, and it was so so tough on my mother, especially since he resisted everything and support was put in place far too late.

From that experience I’ve realized there are no good choices, only less awful ones, and it’s better to increase care levels into something you choose when it’s a little too early, rather than when you’re forced too when it’s too late.

It’s a good thing she’s already in an independent living facility - do they have assisted living? Something between memory care and independent? My father was in AL for about a year before memory care. It meant he had someone come in and check on him a few times a day.

When he went in memory care he called my mom constantly, it made both of them anxious. She eventually just stopped carrying her phone around and didn’t keep it near her at night so she didn’t have to ignore his calls every time. Even though he was hostile and agitated- he typically forgot that she didn’t answer.

If she’s not hostile, could you have someone come and sit with her for a few hours a day - to work on something like easy puzzles or anything that would help keep her mental pathways working and break up her day?

What about meds for anxiety?

I also think if she can’t remember why she’s calling, she might be okay if you don’t answer - maybe block her for a few hours at a time during the work day when you need to focus.

If it agitates her to not have someone answer - can you work with family to have someone “on call” at all times? I don’t know how the technology would work, but is there a way to have a phone number forward to different numbers at different times? One sibling takes 7am -11am, another 11am-3pm, a third 3pm-7pm or something like that?


Again, sorry you are going thru this. It’s exhausting.

No, Memory Care is not like a prison. It's an appropriate environment. I visited my Dad often in the Dementia Wing. My Mom visited him every day. Just because aging is sad, you can't ignore reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to be in a memory care facility.

Memory care is like a prison.

It is in a way, you are right. But how do you guarantee a person's safety once they are a danger to themselves?

You are a good daughter to be concerned about your mom's safety, well-being, and her emotional connection to you. I'm not sure being on call during working hours accomplishes keeping her safe. If she needs that level of support, the current situation is not working, you being on call for her 24/7 is not a solution, and you need to find another one to keep her safe (if you think that's really a concern). With her dementia, unfortunately, she is no longer able to make decisions about when to call, because she simply can't remember that she just called. I always think about what my own mother said when she was less demented, or what good etiquette and kindness demands of us - do not pick up if you can't talk right now. You can always talk after work, or if she needs groceries, during your lunch hour - one time. Address the safety, know in your own heart you are communicating with her when you can, and then do not pick up.

She can pay more to get all three meals. She will be less agitated when she has more on site assistance. You are treating the symptoms not the cause of your problem.

Yep, I had to block my dad. He would call at 5am to tell me the cafeteria in his memory care facility wasn't serving breakfast. At first, I had it set up so that he could 'break through' the block in an emergency, so the call would go through if he repeated called him. But I had to block him completely. It eventually stopped when he forgot how to use his phone. It is such a horrible disease.

It does sound like it’s time for at least assisted living. She’ll feel more comfortable if she has some help she can depend on.

And as someone who had to place my mom in memory care I don’t think of it as a prison. My mom is happy there and is busy and has friends and people to make sure she’s well taken care of. She’s finally relaxed and her anxiety is mostly gone. I think she finally feels safe.

It’s absolutely amazing how small their worlds get as they move the the progression of dementia.

Anonymous wrote:Suggesting that an old person with Alzheimer’s learns how to use Google or Alexa is ludicrous. Tell me you haven’t had a parent with dementia without telling me you haven’t had a parent with dementia.

Op, you need a system in place to keep her fridge and cabinets stocked with food. She can’t do that for her self anymore. Order them online and get them delivered but she probably can’t be relied on to put them away.

Your teen kids should be more self sufficient than they sound assuming they aren’t special needs.

How are her finances? You could hire a part time home aid.

It’s hard to work with a 13 yo to manage their ADHD meds and appts.

Anonymous wrote:If she is in independent living the block her calls during the day. Does she go eat meals in the dining room?

Just dinner.

Suggesting that an old person with Alzheimer’s learns how to use Google or Alexa is ludicrous. Tell me you haven’t had a parent with dementia without telling me you haven’t had a parent with dementia.

Op, you need a system in place to keep her fridge and cabinets stocked with food. She can’t do that for her self anymore. Order them online and get them delivered but she probably can’t be relied on to put them away.

Your teen kids should be more self sufficient than they sound assuming they aren’t special needs.

How are her finances? You could hire a part time home aid.