Anonymous
02/11/2024 09:37
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Good morning. Thank you to everyone for your advice. It is immensely helpful. I greatly appreciate your perspectives and the time you’ve taken to share them.
To clarify, she no longer sees them weekly. Yes, we were doing this at first when they first moved back. This is how it had always happily been and we were just resuming that after a 3-year break. No one thought twice about it. But after she expressed it felt like too much, we scaled it back. We haven’t made her come with us every time since and the last few times they were over, she wasn’t even home. Yesterday was the first visit in a few weeks and she had spent Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and half of Saturday with her friends. I felt like I honored my part of the deal: less frequent visits for her and she had just been with friends for half the weekend so she certainly had her own time.
We will have to discuss again and I’ll try to understand what she’s feeling. As one PP said, I love the idea of expressing that she’s wanted there because we enjoy her and she is part of this family. I also do feel there is a bigger lesson here as well about manners and conduct, too. I hope we can find the balance. As I mentioned, she’s my first teen and the family’s first teen so I don’t even have a template to model. These years are far harder than I ever expected and I sometimes feel very ill equipped.
The rudeness is really the only thing I would address. Since she is the oldest I would make sure she knows she’s welcome to hang with the adults as well as with her cousins. Not every teen enjoys being around young kids, especially several of them at a time. Rudeness is not okay but she may do better if she’s only expected to be with the young cousins for small spurts.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 09:30
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:Her acting rude is not acceptable, but EVERY weekend is TOO much. Once a month seems more reasonable.
+1
Anonymous
02/11/2024 09:28
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Op here. Good morning. Thank you to everyone for your advice. It is immensely helpful. I greatly appreciate your perspectives and the time you’ve taken to share them.
To clarify, she no longer sees them weekly. Yes, we were doing this at first when they first moved back. This is how it had always happily been and we were just resuming that after a 3-year break. No one thought twice about it. But after she expressed it felt like too much, we scaled it back. We haven’t made her come with us every time since and the last few times they were over, she wasn’t even home. Yesterday was the first visit in a few weeks and she had spent Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and half of Saturday with her friends. I felt like I honored my part of the deal: less frequent visits for her and she had just been with friends for half the weekend so she certainly had her own time.
We will have to discuss again and I’ll try to understand what she’s feeling. As one PP said, I love the idea of expressing that she’s wanted there because we enjoy her and she is part of this family. I also do feel there is a bigger lesson here as well about manners and conduct, too. I hope we can find the balance. As I mentioned, she’s my first teen and the family’s first teen so I don’t even have a template to model. These years are far harder than I ever expected and I sometimes feel very ill equipped.
To clarify, she no longer sees them weekly. Yes, we were doing this at first when they first moved back. This is how it had always happily been and we were just resuming that after a 3-year break. No one thought twice about it. But after she expressed it felt like too much, we scaled it back. We haven’t made her come with us every time since and the last few times they were over, she wasn’t even home. Yesterday was the first visit in a few weeks and she had spent Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and half of Saturday with her friends. I felt like I honored my part of the deal: less frequent visits for her and she had just been with friends for half the weekend so she certainly had her own time.
We will have to discuss again and I’ll try to understand what she’s feeling. As one PP said, I love the idea of expressing that she’s wanted there because we enjoy her and she is part of this family. I also do feel there is a bigger lesson here as well about manners and conduct, too. I hope we can find the balance. As I mentioned, she’s my first teen and the family’s first teen so I don’t even have a template to model. These years are far harder than I ever expected and I sometimes feel very ill equipped.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 09:13
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.
Two things strike me. First, every weekend is a lot. Second, if they were gone for three years, that means that something else had to be taken out of her life to fit these every weekend gatherings in.
Personally, I wouldn’t require so much time from my kids. I’d let them skip or drop in for a short period of time rather than the whole event. I would expect polite and cordial behavior while there. But would (and do when we are in this situation) understand why it would be miserable for my kid and I would accommodate my kid especially with the frequency your family gathers.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 08:15
Subject: Re:So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:Using the excuse that all the cousins are younger is not acceptable. Somebody will always be oldest and always be youngest. In our family the kids range from age 3 to 17, and after 17 is a 14 yr old. When they are present, their electronics are put away, they are engaged, kind, helpful, playing, etc.
Tell your kid that from now on she'll need to attend every event since clearly she needs practice on how to mingle and socialize even when she doesn't feel like it. This is FAMILY.
The age does matter.
It’s not age appropriate to expect a 15 year old to spend all weekend with little cousins and extended family.
That's too much. Also, the threat that she’ll have to attend every event doesn’t change anything. It’s their normal. OP says they see extended family at least once a week and sometimes multiple times in the weekend. The teen NEVER gets to what she wants.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 08:08
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Every week is excessive.
I would have a conversation with her about expectations and behavior. For reference, ask her how often she wants to spend time with family. The expectation should be that if they’re at your house she comes downstairs says hello politely and then she’s free to leave. Give her a code word if she needs your help to get out — for example she has to start on a research paper or study for algebra. She shouldn’t have to go to outings and dinners every week. That’s way too much.
Make it clear that she is expected to participate fully in outings once a month. Tell her exactly what that looks like. She has to have manners and engage. If she doesn’t want to hang out with the kids she has to talk to the adults.
Once a month is reasonable. Every week (or multiple times a week!) is not.
I would have a conversation with her about expectations and behavior. For reference, ask her how often she wants to spend time with family. The expectation should be that if they’re at your house she comes downstairs says hello politely and then she’s free to leave. Give her a code word if she needs your help to get out — for example she has to start on a research paper or study for algebra. She shouldn’t have to go to outings and dinners every week. That’s way too much.
Make it clear that she is expected to participate fully in outings once a month. Tell her exactly what that looks like. She has to have manners and engage. If she doesn’t want to hang out with the kids she has to talk to the adults.
Once a month is reasonable. Every week (or multiple times a week!) is not.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:37
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
^ I would think about the next outing and let her hang with the adults for a while. (damn autocorrect)
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:36
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
I don't think it's acceptable behavior at all. But as others have suggested, I would allow think about the next outing at let her hang with the adults for a while. Have a trusted aunt or uncle ready with open ended questions to ask her while everyone is making lunch, etc.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:31
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:My DD is 15, her local boy cousins are 7 and 10 and she has a 13 year old brother in between. She loves being with them for a while and then she likes to do her own thing and then comes back to them. Part of that is the gender difference, part age, and part is just letting her make some decisions about her own time. A few years ago, around 12/13 we had a stretch of only wanting to be on electronics and not okay with her cousins. We redirected that and showed her what balance looks like. An hour of play, 20 minute break. It’s pretty much held and she’s never resented being the oldest and having to hang out with younger kids. We don’t get together as often or for the length of time you do, so it probably feels more special when they’re together. But I get where you are coming from, it’s hard.
Now flip younger cousins for her grandma with dementia in a nursing home and we got the sour and bad behavior in spades recently. That we had a real hard conversation with her about her rudeness and how outright embarrassing her behavior was. We told her she needed 15 minutes of friendliness where she asked full sentence questions and gave full sentence answers. And it got better. But boy was I shocked the first time that happened.
This does not sound fun for anyone. Why should a 15 year old have to play with a seven year old? Why is she at the "kids table" at that age? Re grandma, maybe she's grieving. You should stay curious and ask what she is feeling. Pretending to be positive is a learned skill. The reality is you do want her to fake it, so be upfront about that and reduce how often you make her do it.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:25
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
I don't think she should be expected to hang out with extended family more than once every 4-6 weeks. Seeing extended family every weekend is A LOT!! I would tell her that she should come every 4-6 weeks, and not be rude when she does. Let her pick when to attend (unless there's a significant event like birthay dinner, etc.). But going for a walk with extended family on a Saturday for a 15 year old sound like torture, honestly. You're expecting too much.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:23
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Navigating teen behavior, especially during family gatherings, requires a balance between understanding their need for independence and teaching respect and engagement. It's important to continue open and honest conversations with your teen about their feelings and the impact of their behavior on others. Setting clear expectations for behavior, along with consequences for not meeting them, can be effective. Also, involving your teen in planning family activities might increase their interest in participating. Consider seeking guidance from a family therapist for strategies tailored to your family's dynamics.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 06:00
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Her acting rude is not acceptable, but EVERY weekend is TOO much. Once a month seems more reasonable.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 00:40
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.
It's normal.
Being rude is unacceptable. Normal is a weak excuse.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 00:38
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:How does she make it miserable? Just ignore her.
This. You give her too much power. Let her sit there and sulk while the rest of you enjoy the day.
Anonymous
02/11/2024 00:25
Subject: So at a loss with teen’s rudeness
Anonymous wrote:Teens need their peers and space. I would only push them for holiday or milestone to be with extended family. The pulling away is natural and the harder you fight it the longer it will be before they circle back after ‘finding themselves’ after college.
+1
Every weekend with extended family is a lot.