Anonymous wrote:It’s how I was raised. As an adult I find it exhausting to be around other people who do this, so I am actively and earnestly trying to change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

I'm the same. I recently have made a point of not doing that. Age I think is a big part of it. I bite my tongue. I'm trying to be more optimistic and bite my sarcastic, pessimistic tongue.

I really made great strides this year. I think in part, stress is lifting as my kids approach college--almost to empty nest. It's just a good time. I actively re-frame my mindset. My husband is naturally more optimistic and I try to feed off that instead of bringing him to my side.

Anonymous wrote:I complain or discuss negative aspects of my life more than others. I asked my therapist about it. She saw no issue. She says I grew up in an east coast culture that does it more. I was living and interacting with more western-US people who don’t.

I told her I think my culture does it more because ‘that’s the interesting stuff.’ So I have a good life, so I want to talk about the stuff that isn’t. That’s where there’s interest and nuance and questions to mull over with other people.

I wish others would do it more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

This!

On side note I'm not annoyed by complaining. I get very annoyed by people who complain and don't act - like if you don't vote don't F#*$ing complain about the elected officials. It's your fault they got in. If you did vote for them and don't like them now, then yeah, fair to complain they weren't who they said they were going to be. Same for everything else. Don't like your house? What steps do you take to move or make it better. If none, just keep your pie hole shut.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are literally complaining about people who complain.

Like you, sometimes people feel frustrated or mad about something they don't have a ton of control over. When other people complain to you, it impacts you but you can't just make them stop without being considered rude, plus even if you didn't care about being rude, they might push back. So you came to DCUM to complain about it because it annoys you, but it's not something you feel you can fix.

Well that's how other people feel about the stuff they complain about. Also someone might be going through something that makes them feel more irritable, of r more powerless, than usual. So they might complain more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here and thanks for all the responses. Really eye opening, especially the cultural part of it.

I have lived on the west coast and also the east coast, and I agree there is a vast difference in complaining culture. And making a massive generalization here, but I felt that on the west coast, there was this laid back vibe that everything was groovy, all positive and love and light, and yet you could always sense this undercurrent of unhappiness/loneliness/shallowness. And on the east coast, you get a much more prickly and negative vibe on the surface, but in general there was a lot more substance underneath that, which had a more holistic acceptance of their unhappiness, but allowed for a much deeper connection with others.

Having come from a repressive household where I was not allowed a voice to complain, and then marrying someone who really loves to complain, almost treating it like a favorite past time, and comes from a family of complainers has been hard to reconcile at times.

In defense of west coast positivity -- it's not fake. It is profoundly shaped by activist culture and self-help culture, both of which say that if something isn't good, you should act to change it. Either get angry and fix it, or find peace and accept it, but don't stew in negativity.

Also, outdoorsy people (who are not exclusive to the west, but prevalent there) have a culture of vocal appreciation for small things -- a great view, a favorite tree -- and of shrugging off disappointment, since you can't fight weather. All the most negative people I know are people who have zero exposure to outdoorsy culture.

That said, the tech boom has changed the west very rapidly and there are a lot of tensions between the culture of people who grew up there in actual "love and light" culture, and the fact you can't afford housing anymore: I'm not surprised you found unhappy people, as I moved away myself. But it's also very simplistic to pretend that happy people are shallow and negative people are deep.

Anonymous wrote:op here and thanks for all the responses. Really eye opening, especially the cultural part of it.

I have lived on the west coast and also the east coast, and I agree there is a vast difference in complaining culture. And making a massive generalization here, but I felt that on the west coast, there was this laid back vibe that everything was groovy, all positive and love and light, and yet you could always sense this undercurrent of unhappiness/loneliness/shallowness. And on the east coast, you get a much more prickly and negative vibe on the surface, but in general there was a lot more substance underneath that, which had a more holistic acceptance of their unhappiness, but allowed for a much deeper connection with others.

Having come from a repressive household where I was not allowed a voice to complain, and then marrying someone who really loves to complain, almost treating it like a favorite past time, and comes from a family of complainers has been hard to reconcile at times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get frustrated around people who are constantly negative. They treat it like an Olympic sport. It’s okay to have negative feelings and it’s okay to express them. But when your whole personality is tied to competition complaining…you’re just going to perpetuate the cycle, you’ll always look for the bad things before you see the good.

Well that's something different. I am completely fine with complaining from people but I can't stand competition complaining. But I dislike one-upping in any form, whether it's bragging or complaining. People who do this are impossible to talk to because any conversation only has one destination -- them. But it's not the complaining, per se, that bugs me. It's the one-upping, especially when it takes the form of "you should be GRATEFUL you don't have it as BAD as ME."

But if someone just wants to kvetch about stuff in their life, I am great with that. I'm a pretty naturally empathetic person and good at just listening and validating. I also think I'm good at not being infected by someone else's negativity. I can listen to someone complain about their job or family or neighbor and it doesn't bring me down. If I have the same problem, I'll feel good like "oh, I'm not the only one." And if I don't have the same problem, I will feel grateful not to be going through something hard like that.