Oops, immediate PP here. I thought this was the teen forum. My son is in 10th grade. (I have other younger children.) This is pretty advanced for ES and I would absolutely get the school administration involved.

Yes, my son (non-black but minority) has been asked by white kids if *he* can give them a pass. Um, ok. I see that his black friends use it in text messages with him and even call him that, in a “my…” way.

I’m just going to focus on my own child. We have been clear that he cannot say that word, ever. Not in a song, not if someone says he can, never. And it is completely up to black people if they want to use it. That is not my decision to make. I am just focused on my son knowing he cannot use it. He gets the history and I have been clear that I honestly don’t care about the F word etc, but this and a couple others related to women need to be forever off limits to him.

I respect that black parents can choose to deal with that word as they wish. (Although I honestly wish they would tell their kids not to use it in mixed company, because it gets confusing for kids who haven’t had a talk about it.)

And all white parents need to have a clear conversation about it. Not just “don’t be racist.” Clear - “you can do this, you can’t do this.” It is very apparent that parents still think being color blind rather than talking about tough topics is the way to go.

Anonymous wrote:Op. I told he school. They are going to deal with it.

Excellent. You did the right thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to guess this involves black kids giving their non-black friends permission to use the word (sort of like a “you’re invited to the cookout” type thing?).

My elementary kids have not brought this up, but I plan to tell them that even if said while singing a song, or a friend says it’s okay, it’s just not a good idea. You never know who is recording and you don’t want that to become a word that you are comfortable saying (it’s not like a curse word where an occasional slip will be forgiven). Out of all the words in the dictionary I know my white kids will survive if they just refrain from ever using this one.

I agree with a PP who said to notify the school admin. This needs to get addressed, I’d be worried these kids aren’t understanding the full gravity of its meaning.

Why would you assume that? My first assumption is that it’s probably a stupid Tik Tok challenge to get kids to use the N word.

I assumed that because it’s a “pass” like permission. Like “hall pass” being granted by a spouse (i.e. the person who could be harmed by the act). Stuff on TikTok is usually called a “challenge.”

i read about a kid selling these passes at school and making 1K

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Anonymous wrote:Wildly inappropriate. Nobody should be saying the n-word at all, except Black separatists. N-word is a consolation prize for being outside mainstream society.
Anyone who wants to be a part of mainstream society, Black or non-Black, shouldn't use it.

White parents are telling their kids not to use the n-word. What about black parents?

My kid said a friend gave him an “n-card” and it was so confusing for him because he felt like his friend had more say in it than we did because he was black.

Teach your child American history and about the black experience in America. If your child sees his peers as having more authority than you, then, added with him courting use of the n word, you have a serious problem on your hands.

We say “don’t use the n-word because it’s derogatory”.

Black friend says “you’re cool, it’s ok to use it”.

It’s confusing for young kids.

You need to impress upon him the seriousness of that word when uttered through a white person's mouth. I cannot believe that you have no way of conveying the seriousness of the situation. If your kid uses that word and someone (other than his stupid friend) hear it and takes offense, your kid could face a range of outcomes including, but not limited to, being labelled a racist, being the kids version of cancelled or even getting the beat down of a lifetime. Show him images of Emmit Till, victims of lynchings, KKK marches, crosses burning and help him connect the dots of why the n word is not acceptable for him to use.

No shit. It is still confusing for kids.

Right, that's why we, as parents, need to have a deeper understanding and patience to explain it to our kids.

It may not be popular in some circles now, but there are plenty of DEI type resources that explain it well. There's a book called "The N Word" that gives a decent history and analysis of it.

Obviously. 🙄

Apparently not obvious to all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only rappers can use it

I think of it similarly to wonen and the b word. With the right tone and connotation, it can be a term of endearment or friendly word. I can (kindly) call my girlfriend a b, but, if her boyfriend calls her that, he's history.

In this context when you get to that point in a relationship with a friend you won’t need a pass and folks will be old enough to understand all the nuance of when and when not to use such language.

In OP’s situation it’s going to be a hard NO. Tell the counselor or admin and nip this in the bud ASAP.

Op. I told he school. They are going to deal with it.

I wouldn’t trust that that person had my kid’s best interest at heart. There are people who keep track of others’ social media and behaviors who won’t hesitate to send all manner of screenshots and “evidence” to an internship or a college acceptance in the future to try to get a kid to lose an opportunity. And no degree of “oh my black friend said it was ok” is going to save them at that point.

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to guess this involves black kids giving their non-black friends permission to use the word (sort of like a “you’re invited to the cookout” type thing?).

My elementary kids have not brought this up, but I plan to tell them that even if said while singing a song, or a friend says it’s okay, it’s just not a good idea. You never know who is recording and you don’t want that to become a word that you are comfortable saying (it’s not like a curse word where an occasional slip will be forgiven). Out of all the words in the dictionary I know my white kids will survive if they just refrain from ever using this one.

I agree with a PP who said to notify the school admin. This needs to get addressed, I’d be worried these kids aren’t understanding the full gravity of its meaning.

Yes, my DS's best friend is black and once gave him a pass. We talked about how that may be a real thing in his friend's eyes, but not in the eye's of society. We talked about how when you become comfortable with a word, you let it slip in situations where it should never slip (ie: using it when it's in a song when you're singing alone and then doing it around friends).

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Anonymous wrote:Wildly inappropriate. Nobody should be saying the n-word at all, except Black separatists. N-word is a consolation prize for being outside mainstream society.
Anyone who wants to be a part of mainstream society, Black or non-Black, shouldn't use it.

You are saying this as a black parent, I presume?

DP. I have no idea why you would "presume" that? Aside from the fact that it is thoughtful. and white people aren't great at being thoughtful about racism?

White people shouldn’t speak for all black people.

Who in this thread is speaking for all Black people?

10:59

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wildly inappropriate. Nobody should be saying the n-word at all, except Black separatists. N-word is a consolation prize for being outside mainstream society.
Anyone who wants to be a part of mainstream society, Black or non-Black, shouldn't use it.

White parents are telling their kids not to use the n-word. What about black parents?

My kid said a friend gave him an “n-card” and it was so confusing for him because he felt like his friend had more say in it than we did because he was black.

Teach your child American history and about the black experience in America. If your child sees his peers as having more authority than you, then, added with him courting use of the n word, you have a serious problem on your hands.

We say “don’t use the n-word because it’s derogatory”.

Black friend says “you’re cool, it’s ok to use it”.

It’s confusing for young kids.

You need to impress upon him the seriousness of that word when uttered through a white person's mouth. I cannot believe that you have no way of conveying the seriousness of the situation. If your kid uses that word and someone (other than his stupid friend) hear it and takes offense, your kid could face a range of outcomes including, but not limited to, being labelled a racist, being the kids version of cancelled or even getting the beat down of a lifetime. Show him images of Emmit Till, victims of lynchings, KKK marches, crosses burning and help him connect the dots of why the n word is not acceptable for him to use.

No shit. It is still confusing for kids.

Right, that's why we, as parents, need to have a deeper understanding and patience to explain it to our kids.

It may not be popular in some circles now, but there are plenty of DEI type resources that explain it well. There's a book called "The N Word" that gives a decent history and analysis of it.

Obviously. 🙄

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wildly inappropriate. Nobody should be saying the n-word at all, except Black separatists. N-word is a consolation prize for being outside mainstream society.
Anyone who wants to be a part of mainstream society, Black or non-Black, shouldn't use it.

White parents are telling their kids not to use the n-word. What about black parents?

My kid said a friend gave him an “n-card” and it was so confusing for him because he felt like his friend had more say in it than we did because he was black.

Teach your child American history and about the black experience in America. If your child sees his peers as having more authority than you, then, added with him courting use of the n word, you have a serious problem on your hands.

We say “don’t use the n-word because it’s derogatory”.

Black friend says “you’re cool, it’s ok to use it”.

It’s confusing for young kids.

You need to impress upon him the seriousness of that word when uttered through a white person's mouth. I cannot believe that you have no way of conveying the seriousness of the situation. If your kid uses that word and someone (other than his stupid friend) hear it and takes offense, your kid could face a range of outcomes including, but not limited to, being labelled a racist, being the kids version of cancelled or even getting the beat down of a lifetime. Show him images of Emmit Till, victims of lynchings, KKK marches, crosses burning and help him connect the dots of why the n word is not acceptable for him to use.

No shit. It is still confusing for kids.

You are an adult who is, presumeably, not confused. Explain it to the kid.

I have. Stop being a dick about it.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wildly inappropriate. Nobody should be saying the n-word at all, except Black separatists. N-word is a consolation prize for being outside mainstream society.
Anyone who wants to be a part of mainstream society, Black or non-Black, shouldn't use it.

White parents are telling their kids not to use the n-word. What about black parents?

My kid said a friend gave him an “n-card” and it was so confusing for him because he felt like his friend had more say in it than we did because he was black.

Teach your child American history and about the black experience in America. If your child sees his peers as having more authority than you, then, added with him courting use of the n word, you have a serious problem on your hands.

We say “don’t use the n-word because it’s derogatory”.

Black friend says “you’re cool, it’s ok to use it”.

It’s confusing for young kids.

Troll score: 2 out of 5

Sadly, this actually is happening. And parents who don’t think their kids friends have more influence than parents by 6th grade are gravely mistaken.

Do your job and parent. Convince him not to use the word, by any means necessary.

Kind of bummed, but not surprised ya'll missed my Malcolm X quote.

If my child came to me, I would say DO NOT THAT WORD. It never sounds ok for a white person to say it even in context. I’d rather they be the dorky white kid who won’t say it than one who uses it ever