Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

Only a 1990s self-help book would have more aphorisms than you. Sheesh. How about nut up and work on your marriage.

I married an abuser, and can see why you'd want a spouse to keep going in that dynamic, no matter what. How about you nut up and mind your own fscking business instead of acting like you know the first thing about mine, eh dickbiscuit?

DP but holy sh!t! Are you sure your spouse was the only abuser in your marriage?

Anonymous wrote:Why not actually work on becoming the partners you want each other to be? Sit down, discuss it as third option and work on it.

THIS x infinity

And if he is not up for it (yet), work on yourself and becoming a good partner to him. Odds are that will inspire him to improve himself as well, but unfortunately you can only control yourself.

From my experience, this separation in place arrangement only works in two situations - 1) if at least one of the people involved is very unrealistic about what marriage is, and what they end up with is actually on the spectrum of “normal”, even though they are not a fairy tale version of a marriage or 2) if one of the people involved is highly dependent on the other (usually financially, but not always), and so they have a good reason to constantly remind themselves that it’s worth it. All other couples I know who tried it eventually divorced for real.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

I agree with others that this seems sad. Being wealthy makes it easier to leave. Why do you think spouse hates you? What happened that it went to an extreme?

I think you should make your basement your lady cave.

Set up some fitness equipment so you can workout, do yoga. Set up a desk so you can have your own office space. Buy a sofa(bed) so you can have a place when/if you need it.

Anonymous wrote:Can you make the basement your own room even if you don't sleep in it, or if you do so only occasionally?

Could you open up your marriage? Even if you don’t want a physical affair maybe it would improve his mood. And then it would allow you to have an emotional affair.

I’m happily married, but I wonder how people go about finding a partner if they are seeking an EA. For physical affairs there are lots of sites and apps. Or people can just go to a bar. What do people do when they just want to fall in love and never be physically intimate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and live in the same house.

All downside, no upside

Financial upside

Yeah for the man.

What? No, for both.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and live in the same house.

All downside, no upside

Financial upside

Yeah for the man.

I wouldn’t be in a good mood if I was married to you, op. You want your husband to work in an office while you work from home. That’s unfair. If he had to work in an office, fine, but he doesn’t. Why don’t you go work someplace with a physical location? Totally selfish of you when nobody is keeping you at your job.
As for divorce not being an option, your husband can divorce you anytime he’d like, as can you.
Your post reads like you want him gone so you can f***ck other men in your home. Don’t think your husband doesn’t know you don’t like him, even a puppy knows when he’s loved and wanted.
The alternative to divorce is you work on the marriage. Point out when he is in a bad mood, I do this with my husband and it does help.

I “get” how you can be in a great mood when your husband travels, he’s still willing and able to pay for stuff you want. If you are divorced.. another reason why it “is not an option” is because he won’t be doing that if you two are no longer married. The resources you get will go someplace else, physical (be home when the plumber is here” or financial “Let’s buy a new washing machine”
And what’s up with wanting two separate homes and seeing each other on weekends? I can’t understand why anybody would want to do this, 2 homes equals twice the drama. Kids would hate it because they don’t want to go from house to house especially if it messes up their plans for the weekend which usually involve wholesome activities with friends if you are doing your job right as a parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and live in the same house.

All downside, no upside

Financial upside

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

Only a 1990s self-help book would have more aphorisms than you. Sheesh. How about nut up and work on your marriage.

I married an abuser, and can see why you'd want a spouse to keep going in that dynamic, no matter what. How about you nut up and mind your own fscking business instead of acting like you know the first thing about mine, eh dickbiscuit?

Do you expect your children to have healthy romantic relationship after witnessing there parents live separate lives?

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

Why are you still married?

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and live in the same house.

All downside, no upside

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

This is so sad.

There are sadder things.