This sucks OP and you probably can't do anything about it. They are together at home, which would make me feel a lot better.

They need to get in a routine of putting themselves to bed on those nights. Are you able to call them while they are there?

I would probably work on trying to support my kids through this.

You're divorced. What he does with his time while NOT entirely safe will not be frowned upon. Sorry.

When I was 11 I got my babysitting badge from Girl Scouts and was routinely watching little kids until 10/11pm at night.

Of course that was the 80s and kids were not so coddled then. It taught me responsibility and I went on to be a high achieving person.

Anonymous wrote:An 11 and 9 year old can be at home for a few hours. Also, those are not "night" time hours. It's evening just after dinner. Stop protecting your kids and let them grow and live.

They are inside the home. I assume they know. not to answer the phone or open the door. They are fine. Also, I'm betting there are cameras (or at least a Ring doorbell). So, what's the issue? Also, you DO NOT HAVE CONTROL over how your ex raises HIS KIDS. How would you like it if HE TOLD YOU how to raise your kids when they are with you? Leaving a couple of kids who are 11/9 for a few hours is not illegal or wrong parenting.

Think about that.

9:45 pm is night, not evening, especially for 9 and 11 yr olds. He's going out at 6. what time are they having dinner?

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t he do his activity on the nights he doesn’t have the kids?

I think it’s activities that require weekly
Commitment.

OP here. Thank you everyone. Some useful
Points.

For the record, no it’s not an apartment building with a front desk but a townhouse in a less than safe ( but cool!) neighborhood. I don’t think the neighbors know.

It’s so frustrating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.

Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.

That's not true under the law.

Depends on the jurisdiction whether it is neglect but it obviously reflects very badly on the dad’s willingness to parent. I would represent myself pro se to get custody adjusted.

The jurisdiction is DC, which OP stated quite clearly from the get go.

I recently re-did a custody agreement in DC. I would not do it again. They DGAF about kids well being. My ex, who is opposed to treatment for my mentally ill teenager (and would refuse medication adjustments when my child was being physically violent in my home) was going to get full joint legal and the ability to block medication adjustments. Instead, my teen lives with dad now, and dad has to deal with violence when meds need to be adjusted (I agree to med changes that make sense so it doesn't get that far now).

DC does NOT care about your children. They (and NY for that matter since I've had the pleasure of dealing with family court in both places) care far more about parental rights than they do about whether children "feel comfortable" with their parents decisions.

Be careful OP, because it could be twisted to make it look like YOU are making the children feel uncomfortable with the situation, and twisted to take away your time with the kids. The courts DO NOT CARE.

Anonymous wrote:You're not crazy. My 11 year old could not (and should not!) put my 9 year old to bed when they were that age.

I think the idea is that a 9 year old can put themselves to bed or stay up until dad comes home at 9:45.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s not much you can do about it.

Yes there is. 9 and 11 are too young to be left unattended at night. OP can ask to add this to the custody agreement.

Have you ever re-negotiated a custody arrangement? It can take well over a year, and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. And by the time it's resolved, the reason you went to court isn't a real reason anymore.

OP, you can consult an attorney - but take EVERYTHING they say with a grain of salt, because changing a custody agreement against one parents will is very challenging, time consuming, and may not go the way you think.

I'd just ask him to hire a babysitter.

Not everything requires full-on lawyering up and going to court. She can send a letter and go to free mediation. That’s almost 1/4 of their week so I’d consider it worthwhile to pursue. Yes she can start out with a lower key approach like asking him to hire a babysitter or letting them stay with her those nights. His documented refusal will just make things look worse for him.

The first - That is ONLY if he agrees. Mediation requires BOTH parties to AGREE to something. My ex wasted time in mediation - time and money. Lots of time and money when he had no inclination to agree to anything.

The second bolded comment - requires filing a motion, and then getting to court (legal fee $$$$) AND having a sympathetic judge (because again, a mediator is NEUTRAL, they are trained not to take sides and will not use anything "against" the other parent). Sympathetic judges are few and far between - most are far more concerned with the 2yo's being left unsupervised than they are with an 11 and 9 year old putting themselves to bed twice a week.

Trying to change a custody agreement is expensive, time consuming, and doing it in a way that isn't expensive and time consuming requires a parent who gives a crap about what you think in the first place.

Can you give the kids a tablet and have them call you on it during this time? That's what I would try first.

Why can’t he do his activity on the nights he doesn’t have the kids?

I babysat neighbors' kid during the evenings at age 11. It's probably not illegal, depending on the state.

It's crappy of him but I wouldn't go to court over this

I would gather evidence before doing anything else. I don't know how you'd go about that in a legal way...maybe drive over to his house and take pictures to show his car is gone? Your could say the kids are lying and or confused and make you look like a psycho.

Anonymous wrote:I admittedly know nothing about custody rules, but why is everyone talking about legal rules? Having the kids eat cookies and soda for dinner every night and stay up until 1 am watching R-rated movies probably isn't illegal either, but if an ex-spouse was raising them like that I'd be concerned. The kids aren't physically in danger, but that is way too young to be left alone for 4 hours twice a week.

Because people understand that parenting differently isn’t cause to get custody modified. If the ex were feeding cookies/soda and OP didn’t like it, custody would not be modified. Nor should it be - when would it stop? If my ex hates fast food, can he take me to court bc we do chikfila every Friday?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check your local laws, but you can always call for a welfare check with the police who can inform him of the laws. You don't want to file a custody motion and then call CPS. They'll investigate you too, so decide what path you are taking (personally I'd call CPS or the police first because it won't cost me 30K)

DC doesn't have a lower age limit to be home alone, and even in Maryland it's 8. CFSA isn't going to do anything if the kids aren't left overnight.

False. In Maryland leaving an 11 year old alone until 10pm in circumstances she feels uncomfortable in could consititute neglect. There’s a lot of discretion. https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/mcfrs-info/tips/parents/childcare.html

Sorry, what part of that statute talks about “feeling uncomfortable?” This may not be the best parenting but “best parenting” is not actually required under the law (and is subjective, anyway).