Anonymous
01/30/2024 00:16
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.
I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....
I don't want to single anyone out here but I have questions for those with ADHD. How do you feel about have problems like this and how does it make you feel? I'm honestly curious and not trying to be rude or snarky or anything like that at all.
Well, when I was growing up, I felt awful and like I couldn’t get anything together. As a young adult, prior to diagnosis, I sometimes felt worthless. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do things that other people could. I attempted suicide at one point.
Like others, I was diagnosed when my child was diagnosed. A light bulb went off. I started to read about it and understand myself and my child better and was able to explain myself to other people better. I wrote above that I always make sure to tell my friends to call me if they are bored. I will likely want to make plans that day!
I hope my kids don’t have the experience that I did growing up.
+1 - but not a suicide attempt.
So much self-loathing. I finally don’t feel like a lazy PoS because I gave up on one career path after earring a PhD for another career that required another graduate degree as well as my PhD. Despite succeeding at that second career, I always felt like I was a loser because I didn’t have what it took for the first one. Until I realized, no, that first career would have been a horrible fit for someone with ADHD.
OMG. I’ve never before on DCUM felt compelled to write “I could have written that” but I feel so seen. (((Hugs))) to you and PP. Wish we could all meet up for a coffee and talk about this stuff.
Anonymous
01/30/2024 00:11
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.
They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.
That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.
I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.
Yup, and refuse to join any type of community. I know someone who's DS is ASD and both refused to join any parents autism groups because "they didn't want to be one of those militant autism parents". And refused to actually, you know, raise their kids.
Maybe they feel like they’d be rejecting or negating the way their own parents taught them to love, and the sacrifices their parents made to keep up with the NT world.
And since the “normal” way is ALWAYS hard, it’s incredibly difficult to tell when you’re making things “unnecessarily complicated,” and difficult to stop even when you realize it. So you just opt out of stuff completely for your sanity and survival, because well, that’s not bad for the kids either, to have parents who don’t take on more than they can manage. I’m mostly offering my take on how my parents may have felt, but I see this in myself as well. I believe the rigidity also helped them to be consistent with structure and disciplining.
As for my family now, we’re not a double-diagnosis family bc DH is NT, but I often feel like we are bc he has a lot of the “learned/weaponized incompetence” -type behaviors around the house. I just do not have the bandwidth to pick up the slack, so things are unhappily chaotic as described by others above. We have very uneven earning power as well (similar to others, I too am comically, ludicrously underemployed…didn’t know that was a thing), so I often feel stressed and ashamed about the fact that I’m not picking up the slack at home.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 21:03
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.
I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....
I don't want to single anyone out here but I have questions for those with ADHD. How do you feel about have problems like this and how does it make you feel? I'm honestly curious and not trying to be rude or snarky or anything like that at all.
Well, when I was growing up, I felt awful and like I couldn’t get anything together. As a young adult, prior to diagnosis, I sometimes felt worthless. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do things that other people could. I attempted suicide at one point.
Like others, I was diagnosed when my child was diagnosed. A light bulb went off. I started to read about it and understand myself and my child better and was able to explain myself to other people better. I wrote above that I always make sure to tell my friends to call me if they are bored. I will likely want to make plans that day!
I hope my kids don’t have the experience that I did growing up.
+1 - but not a suicide attempt.
So much self-loathing. I finally don’t feel like a lazy PoS because I gave up on one career path after earring a PhD for another career that required another graduate degree as well as my PhD. Despite succeeding at that second career, I always felt like I was a loser because I didn’t have what it took for the first one. Until I realized, no, that first career would have been a horrible fit for someone with ADHD.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 20:38
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.
I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....
I don't want to single anyone out here but I have questions for those with ADHD. How do you feel about have problems like this and how does it make you feel? I'm honestly curious and not trying to be rude or snarky or anything like that at all.
Well, when I was growing up, I felt awful and like I couldn’t get anything together. As a young adult, prior to diagnosis, I sometimes felt worthless. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do things that other people could. I attempted suicide at one point.
Like others, I was diagnosed when my child was diagnosed. A light bulb went off. I started to read about it and understand myself and my child better and was able to explain myself to other people better. I wrote above that I always make sure to tell my friends to call me if they are bored. I will likely want to make plans that day!
I hope my kids don’t have the experience that I did growing up.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 20:31
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
+1
I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.
We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.
I had no idea not everyone lives like this.
It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.
This is fascinating. How did you live your life not realizing there are other ways? And what prompted you to get treatment? How do you feel about it now?
I should have revised that - I didn’t realize that other people could manage that stuff without it being EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Like, a habit of putting your keys in the same place or putting dishes directly in the dishwasher. I always thought the people who habitually do that, remembered it every time and I was just ‘lazy’ for not being able to do that.
I got treatment because work was impossible for me - my job was easier than my previous job, but it was hard for me to get anything done unless it was last minute. I had a friend who was diagnosed as an adult because her son was diagnosed and she had been talking about adult ADHD, and it was like a lightbulb. Turns out, my last job, which was 70% putting out metaphorical fires someone else caused, was perfect for someone like me. It’s an emergency and a new problem we haven’t seen before - I can hyper focus and get something done in record time. Make me responsible for self-motivating in a day to day management of a project, though? Impossible.
Now I’m much more forgiving. I realize that I have limitations on how I can handle things and do things, especially around the house, so I set up systems that mostly work and try not to beat myself up when they don’t. And redundancies redundancies redundancies. If there wasn’t autopay, my credit score would tank, if I couldn’t have a calendar in my pocket, on my computer, and on the kitchen counter, with reminders on when to leave, we’d never do anything.
I am so thankful for auto-pay!
When I was growing up, my UMC parents would forget to pay the bills sometimes, and the electricity would go out or the cable would stop. I’m SO SO grateful that I don’t have to worry about this.
I have found ways to make my ADD work for me at work too. I take on a lot of last minute stuff, which works well for me. It doesn’t feel any different to me to schedule something far in advance or at the last minute. It’s very appreciated and highly compensated.
I’ve also learned to tell friends that it’s easier for me to schedule things at the last minute. I do schedule things in advance, but I definitely prefer the, “what are you guys doing today?” phone call.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 20:30
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.
I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....
I don't want to single anyone out here but I have questions for those with ADHD. How do you feel about have problems like this and how does it make you feel? I'm honestly curious and not trying to be rude or snarky or anything like that at all.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 19:14
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
I have ADD and never really thought of the vacation planning as an ADD thing. I always thought it was a me thing.
Question: Do you like planning your vacations far in advance?
I mean, I do it. I have my kids enrolled in summer camps and vacations planned for June and August.
But it doesn’t feel real too me. That time is so far in the future, I can’t really wrap my head around it. So, my subjective experience of planning vacations months in advance is more like making my will or doing taxes or something like that. It’s kind of an arduous task.
It’s miles away from the joyful experience of planning something fun in the near future.
Do you feel like that? Or not?
I feel like that far-ahead planning is an American thing. My European (Northern Europe) cousin could not believe I was booking a kid's birthday venue in early March for a late April party. And I was worried I was late.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 18:28
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
+1
I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.
We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.
I had no idea not everyone lives like this.
It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.
I appreciate the honesty. This likely means your parent(s) have it as well, as they never ID'd it in you or got your executive functioning help - from them or school or a coach tutor. Glad you got Dx and got some new methods!
My father did, my mom did all his executive functioning, and did the same for us kids. My mom is so used to it she likely thinks (but doesn’t say) that this is just normal, and I’m making a bigger deal out of it than necessary- because I’m a successful adult.
I’m also a woman, so when I was a girl in the 80s/90s, ADHD was boys who couldn’t sit still in class and ddi poorly on tests, I was a chatterbox, who couldn’t make friends with kids my own age, could spend hours reading, and did very well in school, but only when I liked the subject.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 18:23
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
+1
I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.
We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.
I had no idea not everyone lives like this.
It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.
This is fascinating. How did you live your life not realizing there are other ways? And what prompted you to get treatment? How do you feel about it now?
I should have revised that - I didn’t realize that other people could manage that stuff without it being EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. Like, a habit of putting your keys in the same place or putting dishes directly in the dishwasher. I always thought the people who habitually do that, remembered it every time and I was just ‘lazy’ for not being able to do that.
I got treatment because work was impossible for me - my job was easier than my previous job, but it was hard for me to get anything done unless it was last minute. I had a friend who was diagnosed as an adult because her son was diagnosed and she had been talking about adult ADHD, and it was like a lightbulb. Turns out, my last job, which was 70% putting out metaphorical fires someone else caused, was perfect for someone like me. It’s an emergency and a new problem we haven’t seen before - I can hyper focus and get something done in record time. Make me responsible for self-motivating in a day to day management of a project, though? Impossible.
Now I’m much more forgiving. I realize that I have limitations on how I can handle things and do things, especially around the house, so I set up systems that mostly work and try not to beat myself up when they don’t. And redundancies redundancies redundancies. If there wasn’t autopay, my credit score would tank, if I couldn’t have a calendar in my pocket, on my computer, and on the kitchen counter, with reminders on when to leave, we’d never do anything.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 18:13
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
I have ADD and never really thought of the vacation planning as an ADD thing. I always thought it was a me thing.
Question: Do you like planning your vacations far in advance?
I mean, I do it. I have my kids enrolled in summer camps and vacations planned for June and August.
But it doesn’t feel real too me. That time is so far in the future, I can’t really wrap my head around it. So, my subjective experience of planning vacations months in advance is more like making my will or doing taxes or something like that. It’s kind of an arduous task.
It’s miles away from the joyful experience of planning something fun in the near future.
Do you feel like that? Or not?
I feel like time far in the future is equally as real and equally as joyful, or maybe just slightly less real. I wouldn't say I really enjoy planning vacations-- I don't do it to get my jollies from the planning. I plan vacations because I'm going to enjoy the vacation itself, and I don't find the planning "arduous". It's just not that fun in itself. Planning months in advance means getting better deals on flights and hotels, it makes it possible to plan with other people who need to plan in advance, and for things that sell out, it's the only way the experience can happen at all. Paying extra for stuff because you planned late is what people mean by the "ADD Tax".
Not being able to really process the distant future is definitely an ADD thing.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 18:13
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I’m starting to wonder….do I fall under the “I had no idea not everyone lives like this” column?! I honestly can’t tell what is because our life is crazy/busy, and what could be because of something like this. Hm. Reading some of these is eye-opening…!
Gut check: would you guys say it’s normal / not an ADHD thing for us to constantly be struggling with mess / clutter / disorganization? I assumed that was just ….life with young kids, but can never figure out why other people’s cars aren’t insane and mine always is
My house is messy but my car is not. I don't allow regular eating in the car. Toddlers could have plain Cheerios and only water. On long road trips, grapes, crackers, peanuts, bananas are o.k. but all trash is immediately thrown out at next stop. It helps a lot.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 18:04
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.
They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.
That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.
Do these introverts also have ADD?
I’m not really following.
Yes.
3 of the 4 for sure and diagnosed. The mother after 50 years of it is a shell of a person, but eventually kept life very simple for them and for her. Basically stayed home and read books, minimal toys or clothes or trips. She believes everyone should live like that.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 17:56
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.
They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.
That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.
Do these introverts also have ADD?
I’m not really following.
Anonymous
01/29/2024 17:54
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Have too many kids and wonder why they can't get anything done because the babies are so cute to cuddle with. Not plan for the future
Anonymous
01/29/2024 17:53
Subject: tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level
+1.
All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.
This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.
I have ADD and never really thought of the vacation planning as an ADD thing. I always thought it was a me thing.
Question: Do you like planning your vacations far in advance?
I mean, I do it. I have my kids enrolled in summer camps and vacations planned for June and August.
But it doesn’t feel real too me. That time is so far in the future, I can’t really wrap my head around it. So, my subjective experience of planning vacations months in advance is more like making my will or doing taxes or something like that. It’s kind of an arduous task.
It’s miles away from the joyful experience of planning something fun in the near future.
Do you feel like that? Or not?