No. Sorry. I had a very sick dad with cancer my entire high school life and I did *not* treat him or my mom badly. Neither did my younger siblings (2 and 4 years younger). We knew we were important parts of the family unit, and how we all pulled together affected everyone. If anything, we did too much for our parents (and went a bit crazy in college). But when your mom has cancer is not the time to be selfish..

We give teens too wide a berth nowadays. It's not okay to be rude. They *are* capable of compassion of responsibility.

Tell your spouse to back you up 100%. Then take privileges away.

I wonder if OP is like my mom. She constantly told me she hoped I didnt give her a heart attack (she has fairly benign heart issues but she always made it seem like they were severe). I'm sure I got a few I hate yous as well. My dad often did stick up for me, only because my mom's reactions were so over the top. Anyways, you can imagine what my relationship with my mom is like now.

OP, it is indeed possible to hate someone/anyone and love them at the same time. And sometimes they deserve it. You are being real and honest about your feelings, but you can continue to love and give room and pathways for repair and love to flourish. If DD wants to bring the heat, tell her bring it; and if DH isn't on your side, he too can take a long walk off a short pier. Life is too short...

I had one teen who was a real challenge. I never told me I hated him but he knew I didn't care for him. I was happy when he left for college. Our relationship improved. Last year at age 21 he apologized for how awful he was to me. We're close now. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel awful. And the fact that you’re using the cancer to try to turn yourself into the victim is manipulative and disgusting. No wonder your husband has had enough and is trying to support your DC.

This really stuck out to me too. The "i dont want to get sick again". What does that have to do with anything? Your daughter being a jerk and stressing you out isnt going to bring your cancer back. I sure hope you're not insinuating that to her.

Clearly OP is in a state of trauma and blaming her daughter for her cancer.

She needs deep and intense therapy.

Totally agree, and I was scrolling looking for this comment. I can't imagine how it feels to be dealing with cancer and parenting a teen at the same time. Hell, if I even get a cold I find myself yelling at my kids more. But that's a me problem, not a them problem.

DCUM is an anonymous, safe space so it's OK that OP wanted to vent about all of it at once, but I do hope she takes a step back to think about why these two separate issues are so intrinsically tied in her mind. My heart really goes out to her but I do think that diving more deeply into that might help her manage her feelings around her daughter (and possibly her health) differently.

Also can you imagine the trauma a teen is going through with a mom going through chemotherapy.

I hope they are both in therapy.

There is a lot of healing that needs to happen here.

OP, I'm so sorry. This sounds like a very difficult situation all around. Would it be possible to plan a vacation for your DH and DD (and any other kids)? It would give you time to rest and and get a break from DH and DD.

Abusive behavior. Control yourself, you are the adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel awful. And the fact that you’re using the cancer to try to turn yourself into the victim is manipulative and disgusting. No wonder your husband has had enough and is trying to support your DC.

This really stuck out to me too. The "i dont want to get sick again". What does that have to do with anything? Your daughter being a jerk and stressing you out isnt going to bring your cancer back. I sure hope you're not insinuating that to her.

Clearly OP is in a state of trauma and blaming her daughter for her cancer.

She needs deep and intense therapy.

Totally agree, and I was scrolling looking for this comment. I can't imagine how it feels to be dealing with cancer and parenting a teen at the same time. Hell, if I even get a cold I find myself yelling at my kids more. But that's a me problem, not a them problem.

DCUM is an anonymous, safe space so it's OK that OP wanted to vent about all of it at once, but I do hope she takes a step back to think about why these two separate issues are so intrinsically tied in her mind. My heart really goes out to her but I do think that diving more deeply into that might help her manage her feelings around her daughter (and possibly her health) differently.

OP, you are human and dealing with teens can be so, so hard. And the fact that you feel unsupported by your husband adds to the challenge. BUT - as PP said - please do not EVER insinuate that your DD’s behavior will put you at risk for a cancer recurrence. That could be very, very harmful to your DD, long after her teen years - for life.

All of this sucks, but your medical condition and your DD’s behavior are completely separate. It’s very important to work on stress management; that will only benefit your overall health. But your DD is not going to cause your cancer to return.

Anonymous wrote:You don’t hate her, you hate the situation. You need yo clarify. Went through this with my DS. Time to have a conversation with her, maybe ask her what she wants the relationship to look like. Cancer is scary for her too. Good luck.

Agree. I do think you need to apologize for your choice of words and letting emotions cloud your judgment. Don’t grovel, but a sincere and succinct apology is in order. You are human, it was a mistake. I don’t have answers on how to force a rude teen into being respectful. For now, in the short term, I think I would ignore and say nothing instead of fighting, yelling, or saying words in heated moments you later regret. Then work on ways to have more positive interactions and times together vs trying to be fix the negatives.

Feelings can change

My 73 year old mother remembers the day her mother slapped her and told her she didn't love her; that she was never meant to be born, and that she expected a son.

Words matter.

I've been very sick. My best friends have been very sick (one has two different cancers at the same time). We have never said that to our difficult teens. All three of us have teens with clinical diagnoses: ADHD, autism, and one has an oppositional disorder. All three of us have had issues with our husbands and I've considered divorce. Middle age with disease, teens and midlife crises was always going to be a totally shit time!!!

I hope you will never say that again, and that one day, you will tell her you love her. Because she's going to remember your words forever. My mother contributed very little to her mother's eldercare, while her sister did a lot more. There comes a point where the bond breaks and can never be repaired.

Best wishes for your recovery, OP. Hugs to you and your teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should feel awful. And the fact that you’re using the cancer to try to turn yourself into the victim is manipulative and disgusting. No wonder your husband has had enough and is trying to support your DC.

This really stuck out to me too. The "i dont want to get sick again". What does that have to do with anything? Your daughter being a jerk and stressing you out isnt going to bring your cancer back. I sure hope you're not insinuating that to her.

Clearly OP is in a state of trauma and blaming her daughter for her cancer.

She needs deep and intense therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds. like this is a big problem with your husband. The two of you need to be a united front in your parenting, and he needs to come down hard on her when she's disrespectful to you. Work on your issues with your DH.

This 100%

- 100%

Nobody should support someone who tell a child they hate them.

You should really examine why your husband is siding with your daughter.