Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

I'm a very self-reflective person, but at my core, I'm a "satisficer" vs. an "optimizer". These are economic terms that describe how people purchase things... do you have a minimum criteria that, when met, you make a purchase? Or do you spend a ton of time researching and finding the absolute best product before purchasing?

I feel like there is a similar dichotomy with parenting. I hold myself to a standard, but it's not the highest standard. I'm not in the business of optimization here, and beating myself up when I fail to live up to this perfect ideal.

I can do this because I actually think that my kids are better off because of this attitude. It makes me calmer, less anxious etc, and I'm not passing on to them that we should aim for perfection.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

Most of these people probably suck at parenting, and personing in general, because they don't spend a whole lot of effort to self-analyze, which makes it hard to self-correct.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

I never feel like a bad parent. Raising my kids well is the one thing I have confidence in. I don't compare myself to others and I don't care what others may think of my parenting choices. I struggle with self doubt in other areas of my life and I have a negative inner voice. I suffered abuse and neglect as a child. I vowed to never yell at, hit or neglect my kids and to raise them knowing they are valued, loved and worthy. It's surprisingly easy to do, which makes me wonder how my parents could've gotten it so wrong. The fact that most of the posters here question how they are doing as parents should be evidence that you all are doing a good job. You care, that's what matters the most.

We had another fight and then the police took him away in handcuffs and I didn't see him until he was released from residential a couple months later. That was a bad time.

At least I don't waste a lot of time answering questions from people about how to be a good mom. Everyone knows our story.

I occasionally feel like a bad mom when my younger kid wants to do something and I say I'm too tired or that I want to finish my book.

I often wish I was a better mom - I wish I was more skilled at getting my teen to share things with me.

But I know that my kids know that they are loved and that they always have a safe harbor so at the end of the day I'm what they need.

Only when I get take out.

My kid is not a great student. He's not flunking out of high school or anything, but gets maybe one A, with the rest being Bs and Cs in a high performing school where everyone seems to be killing it (I know this can't be true but it feels this way). He doesn't seem to really like school or care very much about improving his grades. All of this makes me feel like a bad mom. Why can't I help him more? Why can't I get him to be more invested, etc. I wish it wasn't true but there it is. Bad grades=bad mom.

My niece and nephew are polite, perfectly behaved and eat everything put in front of them. My kids are the same age and ...not. they are great at school but fight eating good food, one of them has anxiety that manifests as quietness which the family interprets as rude, the other one is wild....and my sister was always better in every way, including parenting apparently! So I feel ok until there is an extended family gathering, then I collapse in self loathing.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

I basically never have thoughts like these. I’ve never felt like a bad mom. I don’t crush all areas of life but I am a good mom and I know it. I think most people would agree. My own parents left a lot to be desired and it has always been important to me to be much better in that regard.

I wonder about these confident posters who do not doubt themselves. Are you like this in general? Do you find most people would agree with that assessment? What were your parents like?
I'm a little jealous and want to know what it's like not to second guess

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

Of course, I feel like a bad mom here and there. There is always this picture perfect version of my life that I am holding onto and comparing to. I never measure up and it sucks bc it's just not realistic!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

You have a lot to deal with which is out of your control (cancer recovery, parent's health issues). What is within your control is your framing of how you are parenting. Childhood is short. Please don't allow your self assessments and harsh self judgement diminish the enjoyment of your time with your children. Their childhood goes so fast.

op - this is part of the problem. I feel like i'm not doing a good job, not enjoying parenting enough - then get walloped with a giant existential crisis of how fast it's going and want to burst into tears with frustration that it isn't like i want it to be, and the reason is me.

You're going through a lot. Hug your kids and be kind to yourself. You are doing better than you think raising your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bad mom at least once a day. Is that normal?
My kids are 8 and 10. And I have really high expectations of myself. But in reality I fall so far short. I work crazy hours, I had cancer in 2022 and still being monitored which throws me for a loop; my mother is super sick - but everyone has things. I feel awful about myself because I let the things get in the way of being the mom I want to be and be present. Plus - honestly - like any kid, my kids often wear me down so that all my best intentions fly out the window. How often do others feel this? How do you make peace with it?

You have a lot to deal with which is out of your control (cancer recovery, parent's health issues). What is within your control is your framing of how you are parenting. Childhood is short. Please don't allow your self assessments and harsh self judgement diminish the enjoyment of your time with your children. Their childhood goes so fast.

op - this is part of the problem. I feel like i'm not doing a good job, not enjoying parenting enough - then get walloped with a giant existential crisis of how fast it's going and want to burst into tears with frustration that it isn't like i want it to be, and the reason is me.

Like once a year. Last year I was late picking up my kid from an activity because I got sucked into talking to someone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dailyish, but I remind myself that this job sucks and wasn't designed with moms in mind and then I get over it.

There's no way to be a "good mom" all the time. From the moment you conceive, you're doing it wrong in someone else's eyes.

Lower your personal standards for what motherhood is supposed to be/mean, and maybe do some therapy about where you found those beliefs and whether or not they serve you.

But remember: this job is a scam, in our culture it's largely built on the idea that enslaved people would do the work, and there's literally no way to do it "right". So if you're doing it wrong, you're completely normal (and in good company, whether or not the DCUMommies admit it).

Pp, can you say more about the bolded? I’m not trying to start a fight or a debate, I’ve just never heard this and want to understand what you mean.

Your post really resonates with me except I view it through the lens of the patriarchy. Like no matter what happens with my kids it’s always and forever my fault, whereas all my husband has to do is literally exist and not hit them and is a HERO DAD.

Pretty straightforward, really. In slave-based capitalism, a lot of the "drudgework" was the burden of enslaved people, allowing slave-owning people recreational time to pursue other activities/work. Several of what we now call motherhood's burdens, like cooking, cleaning, even nursing babies, were often assigned to enslaved people. The work still needed to get done when slavery was made illegal, and now it's lumped under the umbrella term of "motherhood" (or, if you're trying to be more gender-neutral, "parenting", though many studies show there's still a pretty significant gender divide here in hetero relationships). This is why you're catching the patriarchy part, and that part has deeper roots, like most systems here.

The job of mother was never designed to be done solely by one person. We still have the adage "it takes a village..." but not the village. You can thank colonialism for that, too.