OP here; wow, thank you all for all your input and perspectives, good and bad. I take everything I read here with an open mind and heart. My ex undermines my parenting by always coming to take her away when she calls him when I am mad at her. She used to call me to be picked up when she fought with her father, but I wanted to respect his space for parenting, so I rarely did. I know exactly how exasperated he must be feeling, and I know he needed to parent in his own way. His insecurities about parenting are at the root of all this, so he needs to feel like a "hero" protecting his daughter. Also, regarding the therapist, I don't know if my ex knew she would call the CPS when he asked her to see my dd to talk about what happened. I want to think he didn't and was surprised as much as me. The therapist is young and inexperienced. She probably went by the book and could not see the nuances of the actual need at that moment, which was to bring the family together instead of the knee-jerk reaction. She only reacted to the corporeal punishment (slap) and could not see the bigger picture. In my book, she failed as a therapist because she ultimately caused more harm than good. Lastly, I am reading mixed advice about CPS. It has been over 48 hours and no visit. I want to think they dropped the case, but should I not talk to them if they do visit?

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP, sounds like a miserable experience for everyone.

Advice for the future - once things get heated, shut it down. Once things are escalated, you should not be arguing, trading f bombs, etc. Remove yourself, say the conversation is over until everyone can take a breath, whatever you have to do.

Other parents will disagree with me on this one - think of punishments other than the phone. 13 yr olds are all about the phone, that is their life. Your goal with punishment is to make DC remorseful, not to feel like they have nothing to lose. If you can, think of other things you may have as a punishment - you have to do extra chores, no video games for the wk, they are grounded & can’t meet friends over the weekend - something like that. Lower stakes so they feel the pain but don’t lose their crap.

And think about what proceeding the water throwing - what dynamic is going on? Were you all arguing at dinner? Was she arguing with sibling? What was she reacting to? Something made her feel really angry at dinner - can you talk to her about that, to help see what’s going on & how she can deal with her emotions more constructively?

This is great advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the phone company and shut off the phone. Get her stuff and give her to dad. She will do it to him soon enough.

This.

+1

I’m sorry OP, sounds like a miserable experience for everyone.

Advice for the future - once things get heated, shut it down. Once things are escalated, you should not be arguing, trading f bombs, etc. Remove yourself, say the conversation is over until everyone can take a breath, whatever you have to do.

Other parents will disagree with me on this one - think of punishments other than the phone. 13 yr olds are all about the phone, that is their life. Your goal with punishment is to make DC remorseful, not to feel like they have nothing to lose. If you can, think of other things you may have as a punishment - you have to do extra chores, no video games for the wk, they are grounded & can’t meet friends over the weekend - something like that. Lower stakes so they feel the pain but don’t lose their crap.

And think about what proceeding the water throwing - what dynamic is going on? Were you all arguing at dinner? Was she arguing with sibling? What was she reacting to? Something made her feel really angry at dinner - can you talk to her about that, to help see what’s going on & how she can deal with her emotions more constructively?

Anonymous wrote:CPD will almost certainly not do anything. In the unlikely event they reach out, don't cooperate. If they continue to push it, get a lawyer.

+1. I doubt they contact you but if they do, do not speak with them. Get an attorney.

Tell her you are going to the crisis center or calling the police to come to the house next time she acts this way

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oppositional defiant disorder, OP.

This. Seek treatment for your DD asap as it will only get worse if you don’t.

It sounds like the DD is already in therapy.

CPD will almost certainly not do anything. In the unlikely event they reach out, don't cooperate. If they continue to push it, get a lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:Deal with your own issues quickly.

I’m sorry! BFD! Get your anger and control issues dealt with.

It’s amazing how teen becomes less of a nightmare when their mother stops being a psycho.

This!

Anonymous wrote:Oppositional defiant disorder, OP.

This. Seek treatment for your DD asap as it will only get worse if you don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oppositional defiant disorder, OP.

This.

And returning violence in this situation will only escalate her ODD.

It’s not uncommon with kids who have split families. It happens in other situations as well. It’s fairly common but it doesn’t have to be a permanent condition.

Guys she is a teenager! No need to diagnose - that is the likely diagnosis.

CPS wants families together. If you aren't already getting therapy, get therapy. That will be important to them. I would also give yourself as break from her and have your ex take her a little longer so you get a break to regroup.

CPS won’t do anything unless your slap left a mark.

You were wrong and your know that. You also know your daughter is a huge problem. I’m not sure how you solve this. But I do know
CPS can be a nightmare. I would consult your attorney about this and how to proceed if/when they make contact with you.

Anonymous wrote:What you did was entirely unnecessary understandable, OP. You have my sympathy.

CPS isn’t going to do a darn thing.

Her father and the therapist acted correctly in this situation.

Learn some psychology to outwit your difficult teen, and hang in there!

No, Dad and therapist did not act correctly. If there is no mark or injury, it's not considered abuse and Dad is manipulating the therapist into custody and hurting this child by focusing on mom's behavior vs. the child's behavior. They probably distorted the behavior.

The appropriate thing to do was listen to daughter/dad and have a call with mom privately and then do a session with all three of them and work with the parents on co-parenting.

A one time incident happens to all of us. This is not CPS worthy. If it was, almost all teens would be in foster care. They rarely will take a teen except in extreme situations as placements are near impossible.

Dad is a huge problem.

Mom isn't going to be able to parent this child effectively without dad on board. That's never going to happen.