When a spouse has an addiction, to booze, drugs, risky behaviors, sugar, processed food, everyday life feels like watching them play Russian roulette with not only their life but the marriage and family bonds too, and finances as so many have raised.

Whether it's undiagnosed mental illness, trauma, dopamine issues, etc. it all gets avoided by life shortening behaviors.

I know this is taking a toll on all of us who are loved ones.

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminds me so much of talking to old ladies partnered with men who have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s.

I know that it’s hard and scary, but maybe sometimes men get sick and you don’t have to blame them and yell at them about it.

OP isn't yelling at her husband, nor is anyone suggesting she do that in this thread. Don't project your own issues, please.

This thread reminds me so much of talking to old ladies partnered with men who have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s.

I know that it’s hard and scary, but maybe sometimes men get sick and you don’t have to blame them and yell at them about it.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes. My DH had two heart attacks and stents put in, and still did not change. Then he had a stroke and is now permanently brain damaged as well as partially paralyzed. Your husband needs to prioritize his health. He is a ticking time bomb and if he winds up with a serious health outcome, your life and your children’s lives could be ruined. Your DH is shirking a serious responsibility to his family. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have divorced. In your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum. [/quote]


I’m sorry, pp. That sounds like a lot to go through.

Do you think that your husband would have had better medical care if he had been thinner or had a better job?

[/quote]

The PP here. He had a well paid job with excellent benefits. If he’d taken better care of himself, his blood pressure would’ve been under control. If he had the stroke anyway, his recovery would’ve been easier. He was under good medical care but just didn’t do what he needed to do. He thought if it came down to it he’d just have a heart attack and die, or die in his sleep. I warned him he could have a stroke and live in a condition he would hate, with paralysis and/or brain damage. And very sadly, that’s exactly what happened. And it has ruined his family’s lives as well as his own.

Anonymous wrote:Wait, an occasional nicotine habit? Like, he started smoking?

Doesn’t that seem a lot worse, both in terms of his health and his attractiveness?

OP. He's very careful but I found nicotine products in his car and tucked away elsewhere. Smokeless nicotine but still. He and I had an argument about it bc nicotine is so bad for hesrt and endothelial function. He told me I'm not his mother and he only uses nicotine once or twice a week. Sigh....nicotine is just so bad for cardiac patients. It is baffling bc he's smart, educated, accomplished in his field. I honestly don't understand.

Wait, an occasional nicotine habit? Like, he started smoking?

Doesn’t that seem a lot worse, both in terms of his health and his attractiveness?

I agree with PPs - your DH seems like an ideal candidate for Wegovy or Ozempic -- for health reasons.

He doesn't have the impulse control to do it on his own. I'm not excusing that, just seeing all the time you have put in and how long this has gone on. Trying a new option like this could change things.

I have trouble with these sorts of things and I want to say, having taken meds that change the equation, your DH may be different than you -- I am like a different person on these meds -- it's humbling to experience.

Good luck to you both. And no, you are not a bad person for being frustrated at the situation, either.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m sorry, OP. I’ve been in your shoes. My DH had two heart attacks and stents put in, and still did not change. Then he had a stroke and is now permanently brain damaged as well as partially paralyzed. Your husband needs to prioritize his health. He is a ticking time bomb and if he winds up with a serious health outcome, your life and your children’s lives could be ruined. Your DH is shirking a serious responsibility to his family. If I’d known then what I know now, I would have divorced. In your shoes I’d give him an ultimatum. [/quote]


I’m sorry, pp. That sounds like a lot to go through.

Do you think that your husband would have had better medical care if he had been thinner or had a better job?

OP here. He has a very well compensated job and we have excellent health insurance. Doctors are fine. Unfortunately it's him that won't change. Very sad and worrying. I really thought the cardiac issues would be a big huge wakeup.




[/quote]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

I am sorry, OP, I am in the same situation, except that my husband has all of the conditions you mentioned and he does not exercise or take medications. It has been like this for decades too. He got a life policy some time ago for only 10 years (because his plan was to get a cheaper policy after losing weight--it didn't happen, obviously) and it will expire in a couple of years, and of course now it is even more expensive to get. His eating habits are also way off and are affecting the family eating habits--what's available for kids to see and eat. I am not happy. I do not have solutions anymore. Our insurance will even cover weight loss program and he does not want it!!!!!!!!! I am at my wits' end.

He will be a lot healthier and happier if you let go of the weight loss and just focus on taking prescribed medication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

Family bonds are about more than just $. The kids are grown, per OP.

Ah, I missed that the kids are grown! Great to hear it
She still doesn’t want to squander money on his care…

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, at this point most overweight spouses will not change no matter what. My wife is 40lb overweight and has high cholesterol and close to high blood sugar. Doctors have told her to change her ways. She has been eating a little better, but still won't work out even though she's a SAHM and our one kid is in school.

She keeps talking about losing weight and how looks are important, but she won't change and after years I've accepted that she will not.

I am under 10% body fat because I run and road bike regularly. This is also reason it's hard for me because she's overweight and I'm not. Also, it sets a very bad example for our kid. I wish she would change but she won't.

OP, at your point you need to accept it.

Makes me sad thinking about all the good looking women you could have in bed with you
I am a woman fwiw and not too good looking so I have no vested interest in saying that

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing you can do. My close co-worker's husband (late 40s) just had a heart attack due to his lifestyle. it's put pressure on her to continue caring for their two young children (9 and 5, I believe) and she's really irritated about it. She's had to miss work, stretch herself, and take a financial hit since he is an hourly worker (electrician). There is impact to you. Hopefully you have life insurance on him from when you were younger.

The only advice I have is to share how this impacts YOU. Ultimately, though, he has to want to change. I'm sorry, it sucks.

How could you possibly know what caused your coworker’s husband’s heart attack?

So relatable except my dh needs to lose 100lbs, and yes, heart disease, stents, high blood pressure, cholesterol, all the usual conditions. But fret not, he spends hundreds of dollars a year on useless herbs/vitamins. So he’s wasting his health and his money. Nothing you can do, help where you can but it’s in their heads where the work truly needs done and that leaves you out. It was after his mother died the weight really came on. Ruining today’s relationships while ruminating about past ones. Fun times. I’m thinking divorce at this point but I’m selfish and most of my life is good, why implode it? Side note, yes we have sex, limited positions and it’s physically difficult for me, that’s a lot of weight I’m dealing with, if those complications won’t motivate action nothing will!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the heat attack thing never works bc the person can easily observe reality - tons of people who are carrying an extra 50 pounds are just fine

If you find him unattractive bc you view home as lazy or weak for being overweight you need to accept that and deal with your feelings

OP here. He is on three medications for his heart and lipids. He is at very high risk for HA / MI. Per his cardiologist. He had a great deal of plaque and multivessel disease. He found out about this three years ago when he turned 50. I thought this would be a wake up call. It wasn't. He just gained weight and i forgot to mention, picked up an occasional nicotine habit. Its bad.. I'm upset and angry. He does exercise a lot though.

I am sorry, OP, I am in the same situation, except that my husband has all of the conditions you mentioned and he does not exercise or take medications. It has been like this for decades too. He got a life policy some time ago for only 10 years (because his plan was to get a cheaper policy after losing weight--it didn't happen, obviously) and it will expire in a couple of years, and of course now it is even more expensive to get. His eating habits are also way off and are affecting the family eating habits--what's available for kids to see and eat. I am not happy. I do not have solutions anymore. Our insurance will even cover weight loss program and he does not want it!!!!!!!!! I am at my wits' end.

Anonymous wrote:Look let’s not beat around the bush with all the “bmi can be wrong” and “obesity can be attractive” stuff and see it for what it is.
The husband is an adult and the wife can’t tell him what to do.
Her responsibility is to shield herself and the kids from the fallout.
She needs to make sure they are financially protected in case of his demise.

Family bonds are about more than just $. The kids are grown, per OP.