Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture. They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.

A man wants to teach his kids how to fish. If they learn, great! If they don't, oh well, they are adults and will figure it out. Mothers, otoh, want to feed their kids fish throughout the kids' lives. That mindset difference manifests in different ways including the one you describe.

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

I think this is an okay way to think about it when your kids are minors--they still need caring for and your DH will be tied to being their father in every day life -- and your kids will grow up in a life without you, but one where you financially ensured their well-being through childhood the best you could.
But once your kids are adults, out on their own, that's where it gets trickier. If your DH remarries, the needs of the person nearest to him--the new spouse--just will likely to tend to loom larger than his memories of what you would have wished for your kids. And your kids will be adults, hopefully reasonably financially secure and not in your DHs daily life as much as the new wife. This will be true if she's a decent, loving person who is similar to him in financial resources and makes his life better--but it will be even more true if this is a person--decent or otherwise-- who purposefully entered his life to gain financial security and has genuine financial needs.

And like another poster mentioned, though women have traditionally been less likely to die first, less likely to remarry and even less likely to disinherit their adult kids on purpose in favor of a new spouse, they can fall prey to all sorts of influences that wreak havoc on their assets. We're all going to be declining cognitively too--so we can't extrapolate from our thinking now to how we will act in old age.

Upshot is, once your kids are adults, make a deal with your spouse on how you can each leave some assets to your kids directly if you have the financial means to do so. Then with the remainder do the best you can with a trust and an estate planner to protect the assets.

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Fathers almost never protect their adult kids financially when a new spouse comes into the picture. They might put trusts in place, but they are easily accessed by the new wife.

Anonymous wrote:I have a trust and the trust specifically states no money that was earned during our marriage can go to anyone who is not born from the marriage.

But your husband and his new wife can spend it *while he's alive* so it's still not protected for just your kids. The only way around this is to leave assets directly to your kids without your spouse being able to access it while he's alive, which isn't feasible for most people. If you have some set up that's different from the options the rest of us were told, then please share.

I have a trust and the trust specifically states no money that was earned during our marriage can go to anyone who is not born from the marriage.

I'm surprised this isn't on more people's radar. I've seen it play out nearly every time a wife dies first. Wife dies first, her husband remarries a woman 5-10 years younger, then the husband dies and wife lives another 20+ years. 2 bad scenarios here- new wife spends all the money on her old age (some of which was the first wife's money that she wanted to go to kids), or new wife designates her own kids as heirs and completely cuts off the old kids. I think a lot of you are too young to see it, but there's husband hunters out there in retirement communities. A lot of women made no money and didn't save for retirements and they're looking for a man to provide.

I love my dh and would want my money to go to him in old age, but definitely not to a new wife. My dh is a great guy, so I know he'd remarry. I also want my kids to get the money when we die and not when some younger stepmom dies 20 years after their dad. My will has my insurance and 50% retirement going to my kids. Also, the money I inherited will go to my kids.

I have never seen a man die first and his money go to the new husband's kids. I'm sure it happens, but it can't happen often. My grandpa's step grandchildren inherited millions that came from my ancestors and their grandma wasn't even married long to my grandpa.

Anonymous wrote:We each have a revocable living trust and our assets are divided amongst the two trusts. In the event either of us passes, the other becomes the executor of the other's trust. In the event both of us pass, the trusts will be inherited by the children in even shares. If the children are past their majority, they will inherit their shares. If they are not, all assets are put in the trusts and my spouse's brother becomes the executor. If he is not available, then my brother becomes the executor. Even if one of us remarries, they cannot will any of the assets in the trusts to a new spouse. They would have to withdraw assets from the trusts in order to be able to pass the assets on to a future spouse. The trusts are in the names of the children. Each spouse has executor rights to the access the full amount, but does no have the right to bequeath the trust assets as those are already written in to benefit the children.

You should talk to your lawyer about setting up a revocable living trust that can be inherited by your children, but that your spouse has full access to use the assets in the trust.

We have the same, but if I die or divorce then nothing stops DH's second wife from spending down the money while he's alive. Plus she'd get whatever he earns or buys that isn't in the trust.

This is actually a big concern for me. Men tend to take care of the woman they're with as the priority. That's usually fine when it's the first wife and the children they have together because women tend to look out for their own kids. Adding in second spouses gets very messy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set up a trust. Designate kids as beneficiaries. Talk to your lawyer.

I would be super pissed of DH did this and died and left me with 1/2 what we had before.

Why?!

I don't think anybody philosophically has a problem with what OP is trying to achieve, but I can see a lot of pissed-off spouses based on the way one of the spouses achieves this.

I think everyone is trying to achieve some structure such that the surviving spouse is able to fully utilize 100% of the estate...I mean, it is quite possible they never marry again, so now you just restricted a ton of $$$s that in theory you collectively accumulated...but provides some $$$s protection for the kids if you remarry.

Maybe I am crazy...but if I were to remarry, it is likely someone with similar age and finances. I just don't see a "gold digger" situation as being the norm.

DP:
It's not necessarily a gold-digger situation--but IME a lot of older guys remarry someone slightly younger if their wife dies first and they often leave the money to the new wife who then leaves it to her kids. The older guy is just statistically likelier to die before the new wife both by gender and age and he's just mentally more oriented to caring for her than his adult children at that point. But his late first wife probably would have preferred her portion of the money go to her kids. Most of the women I know whose spouses died, either don't remarry or still leave the money from their first marriage to their kids rather than their new spouse. Maybe this will shift as people who grew up under different gender dynamics age, but as a woman who has earned half the money in my marriage, I want to make sure my spouse is well-taken care of AND that my kids get their share too if I were to die first.

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put all of your share of the assets into a trust. You leave directions on how you want your trust allocated. You may choose to make provisions for your husband AND your children. As opposed to giving it all to him and you don't know what he or his next wife will do.

How specific does this need to get? In our case, outside of retirement accounts and primary residence, we have about $4.5, most of which is in DH's name or the name, say $4M. How would I identify my share? A generic 'half of all accounts' type language or do I have to liquidate or transfer specific assets (that are currently in DH's name) into the newly created Trust? How will this be accomplished without pissing off DH assuming he's not in agreement? I can see this being worth it if you have 10s of millions (in which case the other spouse may actually think it's a good idea and the costs may be worth it) or the money was inherited by one of the parties.

Not sure you understand. Your trust can have whatever language you want. But you actually have to retitle the account or asset into the trust either during your lifetime or by beneficiary designation. Otherwise the trust is just a pretty piece of ineffective paper. It’s not about specifying specific accounts as much as shares of your overall trust. And it’s up to you to make sure your trust eventually holds all of the assets you think it should.

This is really complicated stuff that involves an estate planning attorney and, if one is in the picture, a financial planner or asset manager.

You need to talk with an estate attorney. This varies a lot by the state you live in.

Anonymous wrote:I assume one person can set up a revocable trust without the consent of their spouse? Most of my assets are in our home (joint tenants with right of survivorship) and retirement account (goes to spouse), but I also have separate accounts that I started before I was married, some of which I've added to since marriage, and I think I want them to go directly to my kids, as DH also has significant assets under his own control and doesn't need them, and like OP, I can see DH remarrying if I die. So, go solo to an attorney and set them up? I assume as long as DH gets at least 50% of my estate after I die, he couldn't contest it?

For the accounts that you started before marriage, all you have to do is to name your children as beneficiaries. Exclude the husband. On your death, they get those accounts regardless of what will might say. The house and retirement accounts will go to DH.

Anonymous wrote:Put all of your share of the assets into a trust. You leave directions on how you want your trust allocated. You may choose to make provisions for your husband AND your children. As opposed to giving it all to him and you don't know what he or his next wife will do.

How specific does this need to get? In our case, outside of retirement accounts and primary residence, we have about $4.5, most of which is in DH's name or the name, say $4M. How would I identify my share? A generic 'half of all accounts' type language or do I have to liquidate or transfer specific assets (that are currently in DH's name) into the newly created Trust? How will this be accomplished without pissing off DH assuming he's not in agreement? I can see this being worth it if you have 10s of millions (in which case the other spouse may actually think it's a good idea and the costs may be worth it) or the money was inherited by one of the parties.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set up a trust. Designate kids as beneficiaries. Talk to your lawyer.

I would be super pissed of DH did this and died and left me with 1/2 what we had before.

Why?!

I don't think anybody philosophically has a problem with what OP is trying to achieve, but I can see a lot of pissed-off spouses based on the way one of the spouses achieves this.

I think everyone is trying to achieve some structure such that the surviving spouse is able to fully utilize 100% of the estate...I mean, it is quite possible they never marry again, so now you just restricted a ton of $$$s that in theory you collectively accumulated...but provides some $$$s protection for the kids if you remarry.

Maybe I am crazy...but if I were to remarry, it is likely someone with similar age and finances. I just don't see a "gold digger" situation as being the norm.

My spouse and I came to our marriage with roughly equal assets. The difference between us is that I had parents to take care of, and his family is wealthy. So we both have somewhat complicated trusts set up. What I REALLY didn't want is for us to say, get into a bad car accident, and me pass away a day before he did, effectively leaving all of my assets to his already wealthy family and leaving my parents destitute. But I want my spouse to have enough assets to not have to worry if I just happen to die suddenly. A lot of if/then/else in the trusts on both sides. Obviously he can change his will/trusts in the future, but my parents and kid will always be provided for in mine.

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

Obviously you don't know anyone whose had their inheritance stolen. My MIL had her inheritance stolen by her step siblings who weren't even half siblings--the kids of the woman he remarried. The father died. And the executor of the will died and that step mom lived another decade at least. It was a mess. My MIL has next to nothing. It isn't about trusting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust my DH to ensure our children were cared for. I think it’s much more important to worry about this after divorce with possible remarriages on the horizon. But death I guess is possible too.

But we don’t have millions, so if I died I’d want DH to have access to all of it to make sure the kids could be provided for. I guess if I was going to get a a big inheritance I’d maybe put that in a trust on my death to go to my kids. But. I trust my DH with this.

This is hard because you really can’t trust the spouse to ensure the kids are taken care of. Case in point my XH remarried, got himself a step-son in the process and started having more kids with the new wife. Our shared kids are almost adults and it’s been made very clear to them that once his financial obligations are over they shouldn’t expect anything more from him in the future.

I know this is a divorce situation but if could have just as easily been as the result of the death of a spouse.

Any inheritance they will receive needs to come from me. I have a trust set up for them, and my new husband has a trust set up for his kids. I would have hoped my XH would have done the same, or at least considered his first kids as equals as opposed to a burden he will soon be free of.

This is my XH as well. Met new girlfriend with kids from 2 previous relationships so essentially has 3 new people to provide for in addition to our kids. Not sure what he was thinking or if he was even thinking. They’re not married… yet. But I don’t know how they would raise the kids in a non marriage cohabiting relationship and not treat them equally, so I figure my kids’ resources and inheritance from their father is now divided across all the kids and I need to save and prepare for them on my own. I wouldn’t marry unless it made financial sense for me due to this.