No advice, but some commiseration.

My inlaws have made terrible financial decisions. FIL owns his own business which tanked during covid (now recovering), and DH was helping out with the business quite a bit, unpaid. I told him, I dont care if you are helping, thats fine, but if you ever give them money without talking to me, that is financial infidelity. My BIL is married to a big law partner and they make prob 3x what we make. He started "contributing" to their finances, and I think his wife snapped him out of it. They live in a 5 bedroom house as empty nesters. They cant use the stairs, so we installed a chair lift for them. They can't go down to the basement. But they WILL NOT sell the house and downsize. They keep saying how they owe a double mortgage on the house, but their mortgage is much less than what the house would be valued for. I dont understand why they would rather keep paying this off piece meal with interest, rather than selling and buying a small apartment. I think MIL and FIL actually hate each other so that's probably one reason lol. They like having a big house so they can just stay separate.
Anyways. That's not even as bad as your situation, as we do own our own home. But you need to have a come to jesus talk with him asap. Otherwise it will end up snowballing and soon he will bank roll their entire life.

No, your goals must come first and you should not trade them off. They need to sell the house and find a way to live off the equity by renting. The service your husband can provide is to help them manage whatever money they will have including social security.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

Oh there is no getting this woman out of poverty. She is extremely mentally ill and could never be employed and financially stable. She cannot hold down a job and spends money on crazy things as soon as she gets it. Also, we pay her taxes on her house (which is paid off) and give her more money here and there when she asks for it (the 400 is on auto pay), and I have siblings who help out too. She will never be homeless or anything but she will also never be the type who can put away money for a rainy day. Believe me I agonized about this for a long time but there is only so much you can do for people who are mentally ill. If you have a mentally parent, you know how it is!

We have separated finances over these issues. My kids' college savings are more important than my in-law's expenses, some of which included golfing and vacations to see DH's other siblings. Now, we have to account for things in a way that I dislike, but it was the only way to stop the bleeding. DH pays his share of our household expenses and then does what he does with what's leftover. It means he's been under-saving for his retirement, but at least I'm not under-saving, and my kids have money for college.

Anonymous wrote:If there is an option for them to downsize and afford their lifestyle that should be the number one option. You should not sacrifice your goals for home ownership so that they can live a certain lifestyle. If you do end up giving them money it should be documented as a loan so that you can get the money back from the estate some day.

OP, this is SUPER important, especially if DH has other siblings. A friend of mine is paying her mom's property taxes and told me, "well, I will get it back when we sell after she dies." The reality is that she has two other siblings with whom she has fairly fractious relations. I have suggested on more than one occasion that she needs to document each payment along with an official letter from her mom/written into will that the latter wants this daughter to be reimbursed by the estate for these expenses. She still hasn't done it and I am not optimistic about how this is gonna go down in the end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

That wasn't the OP talking about making 725k.

Yeah, OP doesn’t seemed to have returned which makes me thing this is a troll.

Anonymous wrote:By paying their mortgage so they do not have to move out of their home and into a cheaper apartment.

It is a decent chunk of our monthly expenses, but doable. However, it sets us up to not save for a down payment on our own home (we are renting) and college savings for our DC.

There are more details to share, but I am such a mix of negative emotions. Of course, it is his parents, and he has to help him if that is the right thing to do. But I am feeling selfish about the whole thing-- more so that we have to take on the burden of his parents not managing their money. The whole thing is really just sad on so many levels.

He isn't doing the right thing. He is doing the emotional thing.
His parents should move to an apartment because they are at the stage to downsize. Or they could buy a small condo. There is nothing shameful or bad about this and it's normal.
He needs to stop and consider the future costs that might occur - medical care, nursing care, etc. Spending the money now on a mortgage that you can't truly afford to carry only harms both of you in the long run.

Yes, I understand this is emotional issue but how he could approach is you will start planning them with now so in the spring the house can go on the market and they can move. Moving in winter is blah and kind of depressing but everything looks different come spring. Don't make it like a loss make it the natural progression of things. It's sad to say goodbye to a long time home but it doesn't mean you don't do it.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a good egg.

No he's not. He is taking care of his parents before his own family. And the parents have an asset. They can sell their home. OP and her DH rent. Won't be able to save for kid's college or their own retirement. That does not make him a good egg.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is a good egg.

He's a bad egg, because poor financial decisions don't make you good, they make you stupid.

He is enabling his parents' warped sense of entitlement (a modest apartment is perfectly fine), and he is sabotaging his own wealth-building, and also that of his children's.

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. HE IS PRETERNATURALLY STUPID.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

DP but maybe this is what's needed. My father helped my mother's sisters and mother in a similar manner, knowing small amounts add up and it was several people asking for handouts. Also, my mother had been bullied mercilessly by her mother and siblings when she was little, so there wasn't exactly any love lost. My parents weren't going to significantly impact their bottom line for these people. You don't know this poster's family circumstances. Don't immediately jump to conclusions.

I think this is OK ONLY to the extent they don't fall behind on their mortgage as the figure out how to downsize. Long term it is not workable as a solution (unless you take over ownership of the house and move in).

Your DH is a good egg.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

That wasn't the OP talking about making 725k.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not unless you get ownership of their home.

That's the other solution, but only if it's an easily accessible area, otherwise maintenance and travel are going to cost you.

The first solution is downsizing and selling the home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. We support my mom and I think it’s just the right thing to do because she is struggling and we are not. But she is literally poor, we give her only 400 dollars a month, and our HHI is 725K.

When I read the title I thought “you should support them” but no, I changed my mind. No. They can live in a smaller place! I would put my foot down for sure, OP.

OP’s DH is ridiculous but so are you. You could easily afford to triple that amount to get her out of poverty. Cheapo

+1. This is pretty shocking.