Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aspergers husband thinks he needs to go to every he ever hears about. Flying. 3 degrees of separation. A neighbor they never spoke to. A coworkers spouse, they barely knew either.
No sense of judgment or appropriateness. Just guessing in the dark.

That actually sounds very kind.

Sounds more attention grabby.

"Look how many friends I have! I attend tons of funerals to support all my friends!"

You don't know many adults with autism, do you?

You are correct.

I dont see it as "kind" to attend random peoples funerals, especially ones that you dont even know.

What's even odder is investing in repeat posts about someone else's causal aside in a thread. That PP already knows it's weird -- that's why they posted it. Move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aspergers husband thinks he needs to go to every he ever hears about. Flying. 3 degrees of separation. A neighbor they never spoke to. A coworkers spouse, they barely knew either.
No sense of judgment or appropriateness. Just guessing in the dark.

That actually sounds very kind.

Sounds more attention grabby.

"Look how many friends I have! I attend tons of funerals to support all my friends!"

Np. If one foes not share on social media is it still attention grabby?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

This will be in my future with my father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. And I have good reasons for it. He's in poor health yet, like most awful people, is hanging on and sucking the life out of those around him. His wife occasionally contacts me to re-start communication but no thank you.

I have thought long and hard about what I'd do and I will not be going. I mourned the father I had, and the one I wished I had and saw in other families, decades ago. I feel nothing towards him and don't feel like paying respects to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sounds harsh but, if you knew him and how he treats people, it's not.

This is me except with my mom and virtually every single person on her side of my family. They’re evangelicals and I’m trans.

Similar circumstances with my parents and their reaction to my adult child being trans, along with a lifetime of physical and emotional abuse they hurled at my sister and me.

My sister asks occasionally if I would go visit them on their deathbed or to help with end of life care. I try to explain to her that of course it will be emotional for me to hear about a terminal illness or death of my parents, but I already lost them in my life and I’ve mourned that loss, along with the loss of ever having the parents I needed or wanted. I can’t imagine an apology or way to make amends that would be worth the emotional trauma of dealing with them and being afraid of them hurting me and my family again. I can’t trust them.

She’s also estranged from them, but I think she’d go running to them if they asked for her to visit in their final days. I know she expects to go to their funeral someday. My feeling is that if she wants that, she should just reconcile with them now and get on with it. Why cut off contact if your plan is to make nice at the end of life or the funeral when it’s too late?

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are about the living, not the dead person. You might go to express condolences if you know/care about survivors. There might be other people there you like and could spend time with. Or you could send a card and wake up with suspiciously covid-like symptoms the day of the event.

In general, that’s how I look at it but there can be more extreme/definitive circumstances. I have an uncle I’m estranged from because of how he abused his immediate family (that they all hid from us for many years 😔 ). I refuse to be in the same room with him while living and won’t stoop to gloat in public over his passing so I will not attend his funeral. The entire family knows my position on it so I have no explaining to do. I am close with his son/my cousin and make arrangements to catch up with him and his lovely wife whenever they return home…and will do the same with them when that time comes too.

Make a decision, OP, and be able to live with it (and have no guilt either way). Funerals aren’t RSVP so no need to provide an excuse. Just go. Or don’t.

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

If I'm in town then yes, not flying out for someone I don't have a personal connection with.

I wouldn't go. Why not have a get together with family but without the dead person around. I hope my last one was my last one.

Funerals are for the living. You go if you can to support the people grieving or if it brings some sense of closure or comfort for you. Those are the only reasons to attend.

I’d go to support people I cared about who were upset about his passing, but only if he wasn’t abusive.

My mother is super abusive. My siblings are I will not plan or attend her funeral. We are going out to a nice steak dinner. If her husband and friends want to have a funeral, more power to them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

This will be in my future with my father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. And I have good reasons for it. He's in poor health yet, like most awful people, is hanging on and sucking the life out of those around him. His wife occasionally contacts me to re-start communication but no thank you.

I have thought long and hard about what I'd do and I will not be going. I mourned the father I had, and the one I wished I had and saw in other families, decades ago. I feel nothing towards him and don't feel like paying respects to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sounds harsh but, if you knew him and how he treats people, it's not.

This is me except with my mom and virtually every single person on her side of my family. They’re evangelicals and I’m trans.

If you have to get on a plane, no. But a few hour drive? Yes! Taking the high road with families is often a smart thing assuming you like the other family members. If you can’t go, make sure you send your condolences.

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

This will be in my future with my father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. And I have good reasons for it. He's in poor health yet, like most awful people, is hanging on and sucking the life out of those around him. His wife occasionally contacts me to re-start communication but no thank you.

I have thought long and hard about what I'd do and I will not be going. I mourned the father I had, and the one I wished I had and saw in other families, decades ago. I feel nothing towards him and don't feel like paying respects to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sounds harsh but, if you knew him and how he treats people, it's not.

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

I have a sister and we have not spoken, unless forced to so, in 20 years. I will not attend her funeral and I am certain that if I die first that she will not attend mine. Why bother to attend his funeral with crocodile tears!

Depends on reason for estrangement, how close you are w the deceased’s other loved ones, and logistics of attending. If you’re “estranged” just bc you didn’t have much in common and lost touch but you’re still close w other relatives of the deceased and the funeral is local? Yes, you should go. If you’re actually estranged due to abuse or addiction or a big fight you had or something like that or if you are not close w the deceased’s loved ones or if the funeral is far away…don’t go.

If you feel you should go (to avoid drama, out of duty, etc), but really didn’t like the guy or whatever the situation may be, you can be one of those people who show up late—aim for halfway through. I think that’s a good compromise.

You’d be going to support your other family members. But if you don’t go, lie and say you had covid.