Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Did anything come across as accusatory? It was a genuine question.

I'm picking up a judgmental tone here that because friends are chosen and family isn't, that it is somehow better.

Same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

So you don’t have any addicts or narcissists or just general a*^&holes in your family? Genuine follow-up question.

Sure one or two but not all. Surely you know not every family is dysfunctional, right? Is this news to you?

So what happens if someone in your chosen family becomes an addict? You drop them? Many (not all) blood families would try to help them where many friends, unless very close, would move on. And honestly, until something bad happens, you dont know which friends are fair weather or there for anything. It’s the same with family, but there are more connections where maybe there is a better understanding of how people will respond.

I don't care about extended family at all. I am sure they are nice people but they live far away and I rarely, if ever, see them so there's no real point in trying to build a relationship. I might feel differently if I grew up near them and formed a relationship during my childhood but as an adult I am really busy with work/kids so I just don't have the time to add more to my plate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Did anything come across as accusatory? It was a genuine question.

DP and I agree with the PP (and also come from an abusive, dysfunctional family so I get it). I think either OP knows why people from functional families think family is so important, or is being a bit myopic and assuming everyone everyone's family is like theirs.

It can be painful when you are from a bad family to be around functional, good families, but I have also learned a lot from those experiences and totally understand why many people put their families first. I hope my own kids one day feel that way, and that I've done enough to change the course of our family to that kind of mutually supportive and functional system, compared to how I grew up.

I think rather than asking why family is important to people, which I think should be somewhat self-evident, OP could instead ask what makes some families work and others not. That is a question I asked myself and it helped me create a family that works after growing up in one that didn't.

OP, I hear you. I have spent years of my life contemplating this question. I come from a highly dysfunctional family, and I suspect that only people from dysfunctional families ask this question. I am very happy for you, OP, that you have found chosen family.

For most of human history, family was your lifeline and essential for survival. Thinking about the hardships humans have endured, on your own, you just would not survive. So I think it has an evolutionary basis - those who are here today are largely the descendants of those who had strong family ties.

I am jealous of people who have caring, loving, functional families. I wish I had that! But I don't, and never have. It's a huge source of sadness for me, and I feel alone all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Did anything come across as accusatory? It was a genuine question.

I'm picking up a judgmental tone here that because friends are chosen and family isn't, that it is somehow better.

Anonymous wrote:People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Of course we understand that.

Anonymous wrote:People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Did anything come across as accusatory? It was a genuine question.

Op I understand I have little family and the family I do have has abused me and treated me horribly.

People from good, supportive, generally functional families tend to feel this way. It is no mystery to me at all. I do wish they’d understand that not all of us have that, however. Many of the lucky ones can be very judgmental of those who have tough relationships with family or lots of family problems. I get where you are coming from, but surely you can understand that some actually come from good families they want to spend time with? It isn’t their fault that your family (or mine, or many others) is not so great.

Anonymous wrote:Unconditional love and acceptance
Familiarity
Duty and responsibility
Shared histories
Flesh and Blood

That is why my own family (nuclear and extended) is important to me. Nobody else in the world I share those things with in that way.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

How old are you?

Are you beautiful?

Did your parents care for you as a child, or were you an orphan?

And are you in the demographics that high status strangers prefer to treat well and befriend?

45
No, but used to be.
I had parents. Did they care for me appropriately is up for debate.
I don’t know how to answer the last question. Am I powerful or famous or wealthy? No.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't have to like all your family members, and some friends can be your "family". But generally, as the saying goes, "blood is thicker than water", and generally, in most families, family members are the ones to be there till the end.

Exactly. We have close friends we spend weekends and vacations with, and we help each other out for small things and call ourselves “family.” But if there’s a situation where we need a lot of help, especially financial, they’re not going to be there for us and we won’t for them.

+1 Most people feel a duty and need to help out blood relatives that they simply don’t for friends, even close ones.

I don’t think western culture has a “duty to “help out” blood relatives.” Only in emergencies and where people are not being taken advantage of.

I do. Agree to disagree I guess.

We never financially help out irresponsible family members.
We may point them to a counselor or job bank or treatment plan or govt assistance, but that’s it.
We can’t bail everyone out for their bad decisions. Time and time again. That’s dysfunctional enabling and codependency. And unhealthy for all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

+1

I love my healthy and functional family members. Luckily that’s all of them except a couple uncles who feel off the turnip truck early on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

How old are you?

Are you beautiful?

Did your parents care for you as a child, or were you an orphan?

And are you in the demographics that high status strangers prefer to treat well and befriend?

These are genuinely good questions.

I grew up in an abusive/neglectful home and when I was young (20s/early 30s) I might have agreed with OP because there was no unconditional love or even basic standard of care in my home. The only people who'd ever hit me or been very cruel to me were people who were related to me. I associated family with abuse.

But as I got older, two things happened: (1) I encountered people who were not related to me who were also abusive, including a scary neighbor who used to threaten me and scream at me, and a coworker who spread horrible false rumors about me and tried to destroy my reputation, and (2) I got married and had kids and discovered the value of having people who are in your corner no matter what.

So now I know better. And as I get older (and less attractive, and continue to just be middle class and have little social or political capital) the more I value these people who are on my side through thick and thin. People outside your family often need your to prove yourself over and over. My spouse and kids don't. This is such a relief. I love my friends too, but friends can come and go and are not always there for you when you really, really need help.

But I'm sympathetic to people who feel like OP because it's often a sign that their families were like mine and just utterly failed to create that safe haven for them. It sucks! Coming from abusive, neglectful, or highly dysfunctional families is such a challenge, and it follows you your whole life. I'm breaking that chain but it doesn't mean it's easy. Go make your own family, OP. It helps.